How to introduce the programme to a 7 year old? - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

How to introduce the programme to a 7 year old?

Luiza · Senior Member

BTW, she has been 'waiting' the whole day but she actually did some other stuff, played lots with friends, practised her instruments, went to a swimming lesson, did some homework etc, but in her head she was waiting for the time he would come home. I feel it is my fault I didn't say in the morning that she shouldn't hold he hope high.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gosh, Lisa, others will chime in on this but I think the best way right now to introduce the program to your daughter is to work it yourself and keep on doing the next right thing for you and for her. Much as I would have liked to do it, I couldn't protect my kids from disappointment or being stood up by their Dad. What I could do is listen to them, comfort them if appropriate, affirm how they were thinking and feeling and refuse to say things against their Dad to them. It's been many years since I've had to deal with this and if I had to do it over again, I would have pointed more to the roses in their lives than the thorns. I would have stopped trying to make their Dad be a Dad (something I did try to do outside of their hearing) and I would have let whatever would happen on his part, happen. I tried to force solutions back then for my kids and that was a mistake on my part. What I didn't do was try to keep them away from him (the courts wouldn't have allowed that anyway), and I do think that was wise based on what others told me whose parents had been divorced and the father was less than stellar in his behaviors with them. Today, I'd probably also request supervised visits although that wasn't really something that was done when I divorced to the degree it is today. It wasn't even an option my attorney said was available to me although he knew the whole story at the time. So for what it's worth - here's my e/s/h. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks _grateful_
I think I need to stop being in the middle. He has the habit to call my cell phone when he wants to talk to her and send me messages for me to pass onto her.
I think I will make a rule about him calling the home phone if he wants to talk to her and if we are out, then tough.
Because he uses me and my cell phone to communicate to her, I am always stuck in the middle and she asks me questions all the time: has he called again? what time did he say he is coming again? Every time someone calls me or messages me, she thinks it is her dad trying and get in touch with her. Also she asks me to call him and message him to, but I don't do it.
She is too young to have her own phone.

Yes, I agree, I should have handled today a lot better. Just hate seeing her so disappointed. I always keep my word to her as I know well how it feels, as a child, to be let down and disappointed by adult's promises. I guess I am hurt as she is sort of siding with her dad in seeing me as the bad guy who is breaking the family a part. She evens talks to me like he does sometimes, I can hear so much anger in her 7 year old little voice, she really needs some counselling. Obviously she doesn't understand the disease, so she can't fully understand why I don't get on with her dad anymore.
But anyway it is said and done. I don't need to repeat it to her.
Will try to listen, comfort, point out the roses next time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It is difficult to know the best way to handle things in any of these situations, Luiza. We all do the best we can do at any given time. This is a progress and not perfection program and there is no one here who can say they have reached perfection. You are at a place you have never been before. Mistakes, if you think you've made them, come with the territory of being alive and being human. We make them and if they don't work, we try something else. It took us a long time to get here and it takes most of us a long time to recover. Be gentle and kind towards yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

"What's Drunk Mommy" is great Alanon book for children. I would look into it and read it to her.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that when I was a child, my mother bad-mouthed my dad and told me what a loser he was. I had blocked out a lot of the early memories and since my mother and I didnt get along I actually decided my "poor dad" (who hadn't called or seen me from the time I was 4 until the time I was 16) was a long lost hero and if I could find him and go live with him my life would be so much better. FYI he's a psychopathic drunk/drug-addict and actually a really dangerous and scary person. But my mother said he was a loser and since I didn't LIKE my mother (which happens to most mother/daughter relationships at some stage, at least for a time, I believe) I imagined he was fantastic.
So i learnt from that, don't speak ill if my daughter's father no matter what. That doesn't mean I've always been able to stick to it; I've snapped and told her some unpleasant truths at times but as a general rule I try to just let her see for herself and encourage her to enjoy his good points. I work on the theory that she is MORE likely to blame me and dislike me and over-sympathise with her father if she hears me criticise or "pick on" him. Seems to have worked well, I don't feel she sides with him and ever really have felt that way, in fact even though he has money and they do cool stuff I could never afford, she seems to prefer to be home with me and that makes me feel good I must admit.

I agree about the not using your phone to pass messages etc, good move. I made the same boundary with my ex and didn't regret it.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 28th of September 2014 06:37:45 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right to protect her from this madness. I have seen people come to not allowing any plans at all with them. Only the sane parent knows. Not setting the kids up is so important. If he shows he does.

I would not say he is at a bar so did not come home. Kids think everything is their fault and we cannot change that. She will now think he would rather be at a bar than be with her. Which is not true, he is at the bar becuz he is an A.

kids are very sensitive, its our job to be very careful what we share with them. She does not need any negative words from you or anyone about her daddy. She will figure it all out for herself.

She needs to see you as safe for her to talk about him, your not responding negatively. like oh really, that is how you feel? or honey that is ok. not agreeing or disagreeing, just let her talk.

She needs you to just listen to her and assure her no matter what daddy loves you.

I am very protective of kids, I know how tender their hearts are. I was one of them...I still remember....

Luiza · Senior Member

I understand Deb and agree with you a part from the bit where you say he is at the bar because he in an A. He could have bought his beer and drink it at home whilst spending time with her like he did 1000000 times before. He chose to go to the bar instead of spending time with her, this is a fact. He chose to break his promise.
I know that from today he has 2 weeks off work and in his damaged brain breaking his promise was not a big deal since now he will be with her for the whole 2 weeks. I am afraid that in my (new) world, it is not acceptable. He knew he couldn't follow through the promise, it happened before, it wasn't the first time. I just have had enough to be honest. I am done. I will not let him mess up our lives anymore. I will take my daughter to Al-Anon as soon as I am allowed. She will recover.
I will order the book too.

Thanks again.

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