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Good morning, I am I great need of advice on what is the right thing to say to a dry drunk! My A son has recently gotten to the point where he has stopped or so he says drinking/druggin sometimes. He/We have been on this awful roller coaster for about a month. I am diligently trying to work my al-anon program. With all I have learned and been told I understand I cannot control him. So my question is ... What are the correct words to say to encourage him that keeping going to meetings is what he should do. I cannot figure out how to say this without it being controlling. For example, he comes over here for breakfast, as is his habit, I am trying to change this in a loving way to him coming only if I am cooking and he is invited. He gets very offended when I suggest these type of changes in my wishes. i just can't find the correct words!
I do not want to criticize or demean because al-ano has taught me it just doesn't work, but when the A takes everything you say as critical or controlling I am left at a loss. Please advise! Thanks in advance.
Sally, you are powerless over his being offended by things he should not be. So...you can say "Love you son. Don't take this personally please, but I really only want you coming over for breakfast if I'm cooking or when I invite you over. I spent years cooking for a whole family. I'd like to enjoy a bit of a break. It's nothing personal. Love you." That is as soft as you could possibly make it and if he gets offended by that...his problem and not yours. Your side of the street is clean.
As far as meetings and his program. Well - You can say "I hope your meetings are going well. That AA program seemed to really help you." But again, Powerless. If he's not going he might get annoyed and tell you to butt out. Or even if he is going, he might say "none of your business." It is a relatively benign statement. Sometimes my mom will say things like that (I am in recovery). She will just say "Are you still going to those meetings?" Since I am and I am proud of my program I'll be like "yeah mom of course. I can't ever just stop going to meetings." No problem. Your son being a total newcomer might have a different response.
So anyway - lots of things hurt and offended me when I was new. People told me I needed to change the cat box in my house more because it smelled...don't let laundry pile up, change sheets, vacuum...ask people how they are doing before just rambling off about yourself... It was embarrassing and I felt retarded all the time and sometimes it hurt that I was so inept and had drank myself out of BASIC skills. Nonetheless, recovery is not for wimps (an actual AA slogan) and if he's gonna get sober, he will pull up his big boy underwear and suck it up with out being such a little beyotch (pardon my French).
I would up my own face to face meetings and when he comes over be on your way to a meeting or begin to discus a meeting topic that you found interesting and helpful. As far as breakfast is concerned the same might work wonders
I know it hard sometimes to know what to say without a ruckus. I visited my son yesterday and we got into a conversation about what I should have done when something was wrong or he was being a jerk. My son told me to just tell me to stop and leave you alone, instead of calling the police. He said " Mom don't tell me what to do, tell me leave you out of it"
I understand the meaning of " Mean what you say, say what you mean but don't be mean about it" Keep the focus on you and stop your focus on him. He will get the message.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I learned that I cannot say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean and expect my AS to like it, love it, understand it, rejoice over it, or agree with it. The outcome is not in my hands. What is in my hands is the ability to be honest with myself and therefore with him. I also learned that no matter how I tried to choose words to basically tell him what to do to include going to AA, I couldn't live well with myself. The motivation to cure, control or change another person is part of my disease. Learning to say no to it and listening for a deeper motivation and acting on that is healing for me and for my loved one. I also learned that my son's life or death is not in my hands and does not rest with me. I know this because his life has been sustained through horrendous experiences that he has suffered and I was nowhere near him when these things happened. I am not his HP and I know this for certain. It's been shown to me many, many times.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 28th of September 2014 09:09:43 AM
Of course we had a blow up this morning when I tried to place a boundary. Am I just supposed to let him do what he is accustomed to doing in my home? Of course not! No he cannot take the change from my change jar. I don't care if you've been doing it since you were 11. Your 30 now and it's time to stop. RAID your own change jar at your house!
He told me to go see a f...in shrink. I told him to leave. Now my husband is mad with me.
Btw , he is not a dry drunk, he is an alcoholic in denial. I am pretty sure he had had a drink before he got here this morning. At this point I have not found the strength to not react when I am suspect. Am I to act dumb and stupid?
No, you aren't to let him do what he's always done and it is apparent that you aren't going to do what you have done? I knew I was making progress in Al-Anon when my son told me that nothing had changed but me. Yippee! That was exactly the reason I went to Al-Anon. Family members also thought I should try a gentler more understanding approach to my son's alcoholism and bad behavior. None of their business because they weren't dealing with him and his junk. I was. Nobody likes change for the most part and it doesn't mean we shouldn't set reasonable boundaries and limits. The disease is screaming at you. Not your son. Pay it no mind.
I might suggest if he's going to curse at you and disrespect you like that in your home, he can not come over. That is more unacceptable than the change jar even. Your husband sounds enabling. I guess he just wants no arguments even if that means consigning your son trampling boundaries and acting like an overgrown child. It's okay for them to be mad. That's on them. Neither of them have to like your boundaries.
The disease danced around in war path mode no matter what I said or didn't say if it didn't get it's way. I stayed within the boundaries I had set and enforced them as well. There were times when the disease cursed, shouted, bullied and demanded - to no avail. What it did bring on for me was the desire and the ability to put in even stronger boundaries and consequences for inappropriate or nasty behavior. We have the right to live in our homes in peace and harmony and sometimes that is brought about with strong boundaries and strong consequences that don't require a reason for the disease to understand or enjoy. Others may have other ideas on this that might be of help to you? In my case, my son learned that drinking and its consequences were on him and not on me. There were times when birthdays, Christmas and other holidays were ignored by me. I was not going to allow a disease to create a reign of terror in my home or near me. The cursing, the shouting, the bullying, the guilt trips, the demands fell on deaf ears and those behaviors ended - at least with me - because they got nowhere with me. I don't argue with it. I just refuse to spend time with it. I lower the boundaries when the disease isn't as active but I only agree to meet with my son on neutral ground. Until he is actively engaged in a recovery program - and that might never happen - he isn't welcome in my home because I know how the disease can ramp itself up in a short amount of time and I won't make myself a victim of it in my own home.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 28th of September 2014 12:35:11 PM
It is kinder to set boundaries and limits for ourselves than to roll around in the dirt with a disease over which we are powerless and they are, too. The disease doesn't really hear what we say. It pays attention to what we do.
Whenever we try to make a change, the unhealthy person affected will do "Change back!" behavior. Generally they do this by trying to control us by getting angry. Not reacting angrily is a challenge, but it's so much more satisfying. Practice will do it and for good or for bad, they give us lots of chances to practice...
Practice will do it and for good or for bad, they give us lots of chances to practice...