feeling such freedom then depression - Al-Anon Family Group

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling such freedom then depression

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. In AA we call that a "pink cloud." It often happens when you reach some insight and feel like you have "the answer" to your problems. Then it feels like you had it all wrong and you feel like crap. In actuality, you are finding little bits of wisdom in your recovery and they all add up. The depression happens due to realizing you didn't find "a cure" and still have work to do. Don't fret too much. The recovery path isn't linear most times but it still leads upwards in the long run.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 27th of September 2014 04:02:26 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks pc. I'm glad what I'm feeling actually has a name. That is actually how I was feeling a few days ago. I was on a natural high, and today I'm in the valley, and I'm there because I know I still have such a long way to go.

I have to remind myself ODAAT.

Thanks for the help. smile

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, all the time.
When I first started looking into the idea of "recovery" a very good friend explained to me that sometimes we have horrible feelings and we cannot do anything about it. What we can do is view those feelings as though they are a child throwing a tantrum, and lovingly stand back and let them kick and scream until they are done, and then say "OK, I've heard you. Can we do it my way now?"
So some days I feel awful and I try to apply that idea...OK my inner child is throwing a tantrum, best stand back and let her carry on until she is done...but by simply not reacting to those feelings I am handling it much, much better than I ever did before.
I can't make myself feel happy all the time. I can't make myself never get angry or sad or depressed or crazy. But I can recognise when my emotions are overwhelming me and step back and let my inner child have her tantrum.
Dunno if that makes any sense but it works really well for me.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

You hit the nail on the head meliss. I think I have been so obsessed with focusing on positive stuff, that these negative thoughts are dragging me down. my inner child is definitely throwing a tantrum.

Thanks for the ESH.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I've learned that my feelings are directly related to what I am thinking. I'm not always aware of what I'm thinking and if I stop, listen to my thoughts, I can consider those thoughts and then change what I can which is usually my thoughts. At other times, just acknowledging my feelings, feeling them and then letting them go helps, too. Example - oooooo, I am feeling anger and no wonder I am feeling angry because I am so stupid, ugly, unloving, etc. Wait a minute! I'm certainly not stupid, ugly, unloving. I have raised two kids to adulthood, had to have a mate to make 'em, and here I am shopping for clothing for my grandbaby which is something I don't have to do and am doing it because I love that baby enough to want to share some of what is mine with her. At other times, I feel angry and can't seem to "catch my thoughts." I admit I'm feeling angry, I do something with their energy and my feelings pass. And sometimes, I ask my HP to show me what my feelings are trying to help me discover. All three ways of dealing with my feelings helps me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 04:42:25 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful and meliss. grateful you are exactly right. I didn't want to admit it but there was anger building in me today toward my ah. I wanted to yell at him to look at himself. "You have cut your drinking to a fraction of what it once was, I KNOW you could completely quit if you WANTED to!!" My focus was on him and not on me. I can't cure him. There is no cure!!!!! This anger is what was causing my depression. I'm understanding the pink cloud that pc was talking about.

Thank you all for helping me to understand this.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I was one who used to stuff or ignore my feelings and I can still slip with this. It doesn't help. They only build. Feelings really are our helpmates if we know how to handle them and/or deal with them. To be aware of why you're feeling depressed (Louise Hay says that depression is anger we don't believe we have a right to have) and recognize that the dominate emotion is anger and then tracing those troublesome thoughts has helped you immensely! It works if we work it! You changed what you could - your focus and let go of what you can't change - him and his drinking. High 5, sister!

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 05:16:16 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

raising hand for high five! smile

it works if you work it!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I HAVE NOTICED THAT AFTER A MEETING I FEEL GREAT AND I HAVE BEEN PICKING THE PHONE UP TO OTHER MEMBERS AND SHARING WHEN THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS HIT I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER AFTERWARDS.

REACHING OUT SEEMS TO BE THE ANSWER FOR ME MY HEAD CAN BE A DANGEROUS PLACE TO GO ALONE, MY SPONOR AND HP ARE OTHER GREAT TOOLS.

TOGTHER WE CAN MAKE IT

HUGS TRACY

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you shared and Faced it, traced it and can now erase it with some good program tools I found that I tunrned my fear into anger because I could never admit I was afraid but I could express anger with ease. Fear that i was not going to get what I wanted was huge for me and created many mis steps in my recovery.
Keep on looking inward for that is where the answers are. Progress ot perfection is my motto.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I feel like this often. I remember driving to a meeting and feeling like I was on cloud 9 last week and then came out of it feeling like I had been whacked upside the head with a baseball bat. I don't even know why, but it's part of recovery. I think someone said something in the meeting that really hit home for me and I felt like I had been really lax in turning things over to my HP. The meeting was a reminder that I have to keep working the steps.

See, I left for the meeting on a high, thinking I had it all figured out and then I came out of the meeting realizing that I have been neglectful in certain parts of my recovery and that I have been in denial of my own problems which needed addressing. It depressed me because I felt that I was finally getting somewhere. Today, though, I know that this is just part of recovery. I can accept it for what it is and move forward to face the reality that is my life with grace and gratitude. Thank you for sharing this topic because I think it's an important part of recovery.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes...I am up and down emotionally a lot lately. I think it's normal for what we are going through. You are not alone.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Tracy, HR and Andromeda for sharing your esh with me. Thanks to all of you, I am finding solace in this part of my recovery.

It works if you work it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

cloudyskies wrote:
raising hand for high five!

it works if you work it!

You've done well, CS. I hope the depression and anger has lifted for you and whatever else you've learned since you took your focus off him and put it on you has helped you feel more at peace again.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 11:23:05 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Life has ups and downs in about everything.

I want u to know, we NEVER know how much or what our A's are using.

I had my true husband back. He did not small of alcohol, was sweet, and feeling better. My personal account was weird. w drawals every day, some times twice a day. ?

Found out he had my card and was maintaining on heroin. So sad that to feel good and himself he had to use dope.

Plus they lie, and are in denial too.

This is why we cannot base anything on them at all. They are A pure and simple.

so take care of you, do nice things that make ya warm inside. There will be ups and downs. What i invite you to do is to build your inner serenity. For me its a foundation I have. No matter what happens my serenity is there to comfort me and guide me. Its like a whole house can fall apart, be blown away, burned but that foundation is still there to build back on. hugs

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you NLG, grateful and Debb. Since I have been in recovery, I had not had such a depression. I am feeling better this morning, still a little down, but not so depressed.

I thank you all for helping me.

It works if you work it. smile

alexmaui · Veteran Member

It's my first time back here in months. I thought I was doing fine. I moved out on my AH 3 years ago. Found my serene space and came back to my life, friends and family.
I was so good that when I noticed it was my 21st wedding anniversary...I went to the house I had fled to see how he was.
(I have a restraining order to keep him from constantly calling...so basically I violated it myself)
....He was great. A little weak and unsteady but sober enough. I took him for a drive to see the sunset, We stopped for pizza...we cried. I drove him home. Two nights later he called me. Hallucinating, rambling barely intelligible. Bringing it all flooding back.
Ever since then...I've been beyond depressed. I hate myself...I'm lonely...we never had children and I feel their loss. My family is all over the country and I have burdened my friends enough.

I gave up on a meeting I had been going to and I'm looking for another. Somehow I feel like ALAnon is my life line and I let it go.
I just needed to tell someone that who would understand. Thanks

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Sorry if that was off topic..but I was relating to ups and downs of emotions when you have an AH.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Alexmaui. I do hope you reconnect with face to face meetings and restart your recovery. It works

jitsuka · Senior Member

Yeah I've been feeling like that a bit.

I used to think I loved this person, no matter what, that the disease was that ... a disease.

No I'm feeling different, something has changed. We had a minor grumble with each other the other day. Something minor.

Yet in the back of my head it's a constant itch there - WHY ARE YOU DRINKING? CAN'T YOU SEE THE DAMAGE IT IS DOING.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm now 90% sure I don't want to be with this person long-term.

If she dies. So be it. It's her problem.

If she loses her job / falls over / gets mugged when she goes for a walk at night - that's her problem.

The only reason I'm staying here at the moment is that it's not my house ... and our 7 year old daughter.

I wouldn't have any problems with phoning social services and saying mum is an alcoholic, drinks every night. Get her out of the house.

I'm feeling really quite depressed actually.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks CouldySkys, this is a really helpful topic.
My middle name is yo yo at the moment - up and down at the touch of a feather!
I celebrate the fact that I have my feelings back though - thank you for the reminder

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.