I do know I have people who love me even if we rarely see each other. But ya know how it feels when you are with someone who loves you? You get hugged or they make ya tea, or you laugh together?

I am starving for that, have been for years. My son usually keeps in contact. He just quit his job as a number one lead man for a major remodel company. He is getting licensed and bonded. This is huge. Going off on his own. He is tired of this companies owners not being efficient. Tells him a job will be ready on a certain day and it is not, even after he tells them no it won't be ready as we do not have the permits yet. In Oregon its a circus if there is an oak tree ya gotta work around etc. i like that but can be hard for contractors.

anyway I told him I had lots of faith in him. I have seen him get jobs all the time from referrals and from him just talking to people. He has taught himself everything. even calculus. When he found out he was a genius, he was upset and cried beforehand as he thought he did terrible!

anyway i see him almost never now and if I don't call he does not.I understand he is busy and wants to concentrate on work. I don't say M please don't forget me, I miss you so much and miss your love. I don't ask him to take me anywhere.I don't want him to feel guilty.

I seem healthy but who knows! If I died he would feel awful. He cannot even face I am old now,passed middle age.

Anyway I do my best getting love from these crazy animals I live with. I read every night, I study my Bible every day. Talk to my HP contantly. I told myself everytime I see a rock or something shaped like a heart, it is hp saying he loves me.

Just this morn I saw an indention in front in the pathway, shaped like a perfect heart!

Took my friend out all day, Heidi. I bought her an armoir she wanted. She is having a cabin built. Then she found a very cool love seat. never seen one like it. Its extra wide and long. very pretty. sooo we each paid half. lol I feel good with her as she listens and we both care about each other.

Miss that feeling of being in a loved ones arms you know? Like gma and mother. just sorta stay there awhile. I know I was soooo sooo blessed with so much love in my life and was shown it. More than most. I think that is why this is so devistating for me. I always do my best to make people feel loved. Even strangers. Just my nature I guess and the fact I want people to know they are special. they are.

I tell myself I have had wonderful men who were in love with me and showed me, a family in the past who were delighted with me, when my kids were little I got a million pictures and notes about loving me.

Give up hoping some one will send me a card. When I had the last knee surgery it was hard. No one to take me or pick me up or help me that was family or close friend.So I asked on my fb if people would send me notes on paper or cards or pictures I didn't care what! I got tons of them.I am telling you it was soooo wonderful.

at night I dream and I am not alone. sometimes I don't want to wake up. Mostly I dream of my first husband. Its so strange he is so real to me and I feel his love still, its been 33 years.

I also always pretty much carry around trepidation in my guts. I have a gun now so that helps. I will be that old granny with a shot gun shooting at meth addicts.lol with my thousand pound pig next to me  and geese biting their bums...

i mean of course i miss love, I went from abundance to about zero most the time. thank hp I have what I do though. Its still a lot. but I do miss humans.....