STBXH will go to Al-Anon meetings... - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

STBXH will go to Al-Anon meetings...

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, one of my favourite sayings these days is "I'm not your secretary" so if it was me, I wouldn't be providing him with anything. He can go to al-anon meetings all he likes. He can also look up the dates and times on the internet and figure it out himself. And by then he might have sobered up and probably won't bother. Sounds like desperate threats to me

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh charming!

That reminds me of our church pastor's ex-husband, who came to church one Sunday and started shouting at us about all of her mis-deeds he had catalogued. This was definitely a WASP congregation. Only the minister ever said amen. She waited for the ushers to help him find blue sky and said please remember him in your prayers. Then she continued with the service. We knew more of what she faced, but she did not lose our (or her own) respect.

You will web OK. I'm thinking he's threatening you to do this, but he probably won't show up.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Lol I'm so sorry I did laugh I would be tempted to give him the number to the hotline. I like what someone said about I'm not your Secretary. That I'm going to file.

Luiza · Senior Member

It is ok to laugh, I find it very funny. He probably won't go anywhere but I think it would be good if he would. I will print all the info for him actually and include the hotline number. Probably a waste of ink and paper and time though.

Luiza · Senior Member

And he called al-anoers fruit loops who don't live in the real world.
He needs so much self awareness I am not sure he will ever break through.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

He's having delusions of grandeur lol! It's all about him. Oi! Big hugs ..

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember when I called the Al-Anon hot line in my area. I kept the number on me for weeks before I actually went to a meeting. I told my husband I was going and he just could not believe it. I was sitting in the back yard reading when he came out and just stared me down. I think he thought there is no way she will go, but I did. It was so scary but it saved my life. I will remember that day always. They (alcoholics) love the control. It has been a long process, with a lot of ups and downs, for me to get the control back of me. I like myself now, and know that I am a good person. Do I still have issues - always. But I will admit my short comings and when I am wrong I will also admit that. I feel the alcoholics will never admit they have issues or problems until maybe they hit rock bottom. Going to Al-Anon for over 8 years has shown me the right way to do things. So, I guess if your husband wants to go to the meetings himself I hope he really opens his eyes to see what the meetings are all about. Keep in touch and take care.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH told me to go to Al Anon. So glad he did! What's ironic is Al Anon helped me find the strength to move out. AH tells me I don't work the program well. Lol. He is probably right. But he doesn't work AA at all.
If your husband found all of the meetings and went, he would make a fool out of himself. Maybe he should go. Lol

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to hear how evil Alanon was from the clients in rehab. I would tell them it is only going to cramp your style if you plan on relapsing and want more enabling. They didn't like hearing that.

I might give your stbxh the AA hot line number and tell him to cry to them about the real reasons his marriage fell apart.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, now its not all your fault anymore. It's all our fault, too. See, we told you that you're not alone. We'll even help you shoulder some of the blame. Of course, its not just your fault and our fault. It is the doctor's fault who delivered him. And it is the fault of the neighbor who probably looked at you and gave you the idea that he wasn't treating you well. Or then, maybe its the fault of...fill in the blank. Let him spew. Its just the disease talking. I know it well. Heard it all before.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Now seriously Grateful you forgot to add it's the grocery store's fault for not carrying the right kind of toilet paper .. :)

It's verbal vomit .. and he can pull whatever exorcism act he wants .. it's only going to be pea soup puke all over him .. sad sad sad.

Big Hugs .. this is a mean disease .. so sad.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

NO you will have no privacy. I also would not give him the addresses to your al anon homes. That is enabling his insanity big time.

This is one of those moments when you say oh you might be right. Just give him the address to a few AA meetings. that would be a trip....I would like to be a cricket on the wall with you!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I must agree with Deb on this one. Your meetings and posts on MIP are personal and private and none of his business. I would tell him so.

Luiza · Senior Member

He is not going anywhere. I am 100%sure.
But I might print a paper with the address of some meetings I don't go to, plus some AA mwetings, plus Al- Anon and AA hotlines. But I am sure he won't call or go to any. It is all bravado.

Apparently I betrayed him and his parents for not keeping it in the family. And I am not strong enough for wanting to quit on him. I tell him everything that is not working for me even without the alcohol. He doesn't understand.
The rejection is really painful for him.
I am just getting so tired of it all. He really needs to move out, it will be extremelly difficult for me if I have to.
He has 2 weeks off work just to do this, I hope he goes.
I am phisically showing the signs of all the stress, I really don't want it to have any more impact in my mental health.
Ah and btw he is now determined to find out who I am having an affair with. Because I must be with someone else, I can't possibily think that I am better off alone than with him.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

His words, to me, mean your working a good good program. an alanon meeting with a group of healthy, clued up people is an uncomfortable place for any manbaby to turn up with his tantrum. I would view it as keep up the good work, your getting what you need.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree with elcee...He's like "Alanon changed you!!!" Yep. It did. Pretty simple. Evidence it works.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I have heard the story of the A complaining that "You take all your advice about marriage from divorced people in your Alanon meetings!!!" also. Well - divorce rates are 60 percent already. The marriages that end in divorce do not do so because of Alanon. We know this. They were headed that way already as was the case in your marriage I hear.

Plus they are not open to hearing about the ones that don't fit the divorce model (mot that it really matters)....we have a few folks here working alanon whose partners are in recovery (typically) and things are really on the upswing.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza: I misinterpreted you. I thought you were kidding about giving him meeting dates and times for Al-Anon and the MIP address. My mistake. Sorry. Those meetings are for people who need the help Al-Anon offers and so is MIP. He is not interested in getting help for himself. He's interested in nothing helpful to you or to him. Why give him the keys to help that is for you? That's like complaining you're being abused, going to a shelter and giving him the address and the hours there is no security to bar his entrance. Again- I'm sorry I misinterpreted your intent in writing your thread. I'm with Melly. You're not his secretary. Playing head games with him like writing meetings you're not going to or AA meetings to me is adding fuel to the fire of this disease. It won't benefit you and it won't benefit him.

Luiza · Senior Member

I was kidding about the MIP link.

I wasn't kidding about the Al-Anon addresses. But now, yes, I see -grateful- that it would distract and rob the precious time of people who really need to be there for their own recovery and benefit. I can't believe I couldn't see it that way. Thank you -grateful- for pointing out.

He was buggering me so much about it, he wanted people's telephone numbers and addresses to check if I am really going there or meeting with my "lover". I know I shouldn't have engaged and he harassed to talk to him for over one hour whilst I was silent...but as I am sleeping in my daughter's bedroom, I ended up going to the lounge to talk to him, my daughter was waking up with the chaos he was creating.

And that is why if he doesn't move in the next two weeks I will have to. Can't handle the bullying anymore.

I will give a list of AA meetings and leave Al-Anon out of it. But I do like the idea of him making a fool of himself by telling the Al-Anoers off LOL

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon people - as you know - have enough pain of their own. They don't need his bs. As far as his checking on whether or not you're really going there - that's troublesome to me. I think you have already contacted the Domestic Assault Center in your area or the National Domestic Assault hotline for help and guidance in your situation? If not, I highly recommend it. Giving him a list of AA meetings won't help you. He'll come home angrier than when he left. Please contact your Center for assistance in this matter.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember if he disrupts an alanon meeting, they can and will call the police and he will not be pleased. The groups place a huge value on the principle of annoymity for a resson.

Luiza · Senior Member

Two police offers has just been. STBX was made to leave for the night. He didn't get arrested because there were no phisycal violence. He just came in drunk, woke me up and started txting me he needed answres (about the same questions I answered yesterday blahblah) then came in my daughter's bedroom and started acusing me of cheating, I asked to be left alone but he wouldn't. Started saying the same BS he has being saying for a month now. He wound me up so much, I called the police again. There goes my name and daughter's name for the 3rd time to the Social Services file.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You took the right,and appropriate action Luiza. I am so very sorry that it has reached level of insanity and I am glad you took care of yourself.
Prayers for your entire family

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks Mel. Always when the officers are involved they are baffled by STBX level of defiance, lack of basic understanding and by how unreasonable he is. If even the police officers are puzzled, I think I am a hero for coping with this crap day after day. But you see, yesterday he was just calling me and insisting I get up and talk. I did after nearly one hour of intensive insistency. Today he just came to the bedroom and gave me the BS straight away. I knew it was coming. And I needed the police here to help me put my boundaries right back into place. They assured me I can call any time even for harassement only. I am glad I live in the UK because in Brazil is so much more difficult to get support. I dread to think what women has to go through when they don't have a strong protection system in place.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks hotrod. But one part of me still manages to feel guilty. That is why I need out asap.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do so understand. Please remember that you are not alone and that reaching out and feeling the validation of others, who understand as few others can, is priceless .
Prayers and posiitive energy.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Luiza,

I so admire your strength. And I pray that you will be safe. Please do continue to call the police when you need them. I hope you can be away from him soon.

Blessings,
Temple

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Luiza...I didn't realize he'd become so irate and dangerous. I am proud of you for having the the strength and courage to call police. By the way...your AH is the only one coming off bad in whatever reports are being generated. Stay safe.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, setting a strong boundary and I hope you will follow through with some kind of protection order. They will file those even if there has been no direct violence .. what most people don't understand is that it is an issue of personal safety!! If you do not feel safe that is a emotional and mental terrorism it is the worst kind. So do NOT hesitate to get an order of protection or at least ask for one .. I was able to file one on my own however the DV offices can help you build a case and let you know what paperwork you need to file. For me the intensity escalated and then once he went to jail .. it stopped.

Hugs S :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Serenity. I see things escalating with him and we can think they won't do anything and we can be very, very wrong. Thoughts lead to words and they can also lead to actions. Since you are not in the States, I don't know who you can contact for either the PO or help with DV issues, but I strongly suggest both. Ultimately, its your decision as to what to do to take the best care of yourself and your daughter and 3 calls to the police is a strong indicator of trouble coupled with your isolation and his family's support of him. I wouldn't panic and I would be actively engaged in reaching out to folks who specialize in DV and obtaining court ordered protection orders if that was something I reasoned needed to be done.

Luiza · Senior Member

Someone from the DV department will contact me and I will discuss my options.
It is very scary to think it could escalate to a more serious problem and even more scarier to think I would have to have protection order in place and such a thing.
I just feel so sorry for my daughter.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you fear him - which you have indicated you do and if he won't listen to your nos - which you have indicated he won't - even where your daughter's wellbeing is concerned - then reaching out to organizations in place for you and your daughter is better than not doing it. I'd feel sorrier for your daughter if you kept living this way without getting help for yourself that is up close and personal. If you've had to call the police 3 times and they want you to call about these types of things - you've created a track record about him that is traceable and perhaps useable when it comes to obtaining a restraining order if you want to pursue that after talking with the DV department. It is not wise to tell him your plans or to leave information available for him to see or hear to include passwords, account #s, etc.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

He sounds dangerous..the situation is dangerous for you, your daughter and any people that attend al anon meetings. I envision him walking into a meeting and opening fire. I hope you have an anonymous place to go. Prayers, Luiza.

jitsuka · Senior Member

Hope you're ok luiza, sounds tough.

I'm in the UK too, so if you want to drop a line, sympathetic ear etc, do so.

... reminds me I need to get to a f2f meeting soon.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I just want to reassure you that you aren't alone and please do NOT minimize the behavior. I found out that my STBAX was having people from his job drive by and spy on me. I lived in the country and I was isolated in terms of people. I'm so very grateful the sheriff's department took me very seriously and one deputy spoke to him and said get an order. I was being told by his relatives and my mother oh it's no big deal. I spoke to a woman who used to work at the company he works for .. holy cow .. she was PISSED gotta love unions his co-workers were what is called using intimidation in the eyes of HR she was furious! Anyway I had a 2 week OP for 8 months .. that he violated 3x in the first 4 weeks. That was when I removed the itty bitty shitty committee from my head .. Mine and everyone else's. Reality check to his s mother was she willing to bet HER life that he wouldn't go over the edge (this was after a mental breakdown she was unaware of) she hesitated for 15 seconds and I told her yup that's what I thought .. My kids and myself come first .. everyone else would just have to get in line. He was way way way out of control during that time .. He'd have the kids and spend the time texting me accusing me of doing what he was doing. Lol .. it got interesting real quick .. I was able to gain control of me and my situation. The kids were equally freaked out after that last visitation during that time. Follow your gut, pray and don't minimize or maximize the situation. Do what your intuition guides you to do .. that OP was the best thing I ever did .. I'm grateful I took it out and once he realized how serious I was about following through he tended to keep crazy to himself. He was not a rational person at all during that time. Honestly I don't know and don't worry about how stable he is now .. that's his issue.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thank you guys. Yes it is tough and insane. I don't think it is so extreme, physical danger and stuff, but who knows? This is a crazy disease. Not a chance of opening fire PP, guns are not allowed over here.

I am 100% sure he will not call/go to any Al-Anon meetings, he was just saying it to damage my serenity. He is convinced I am having an affair with someone from Al-Anon and he thought that by threatening me with going to my meetings, I would confess.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thank you _Serenity_
You know, if I hadn't found Al-Anon and MIP I would probably still be thinking it is all my fault, I caused it, it is all normal and not a big deal.
I am so glad I am here since going to meetings is very difficult now due to my work and having no one to watch daughter in the evenings.
What is an OP?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Luiza)))) good to know that you maintain sanity if not also serenity during this part of the "insanity of the disease". You are doing the courage to change part of the Serenity Prayer by employing tools, additional tools such as the police and others to gain and maintain your serenity and sanity and to keep the disease from being fatal. We don't often speak about the fatal nature of this disease from the context of alcoholism induced violence and we should. I've seen women and others die as a result of the disease who had no inkling that it was involved. Some of those deaths were sad and beyond imagination as they were not at the hand of the alcoholic and others related or responding to chaos. Detaching is such a positively powerful tool during these events which should be used without question. Good for you that you used it. He is not normal...he is normally alcoholic. He has and mind and mood altering addiction and compulsion to alcohol which will and does kill. In support. (((((hugs)))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.