The good, the bad and the gaaaaah. - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

The good, the bad and the gaaaaah.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Listening, Melly. You are seeing all that wouldn't be a good match for you. That's good. Those doors can close for you permanently. Today, you have a home, food, a healthy daughter, and "nos" to some possible options that you see might be short-term fixes but not a long-term solution. You are also considering some other options like another town with other possibilities for you and for your daughter. That's good, too.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im thinking maybe your higher power wants you with your mum melly. Maybe thats where you will grow in more ways. It could be its a chance to learn detachment with love and to stick up for yourself. It will give you a chance to save some money. Maybe the animals could go into kennels for a while. I can imagine this sounds like the worst scenario but its got to be better than the streets. I hope something better comes your way but at least your mums is an option.x

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If your mother is willing to help I wonder if she'd co-sign a rental agreement.

In our town, Catholic Charities also help sponsor people for housing, and you don't have to be Catholic. I know someone who shared a house with a person sponsored by Catholic Charities - she (the CC person) was also leaving a relationship penniless. I wonder if there is the equivalent in your town.

Or a house-share situation where no one checks credit? I've done those a number of times.

I know it can be nervewracking having to figure it all out. I hope something comes your way soon so you can keep moving forward. Hang in there.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

missmeliss wrote:
So there you go. i'm full of sunshine and happiness and positive vibes today, can't you tell??

A great share anywise, Mel... bloody beaut! aww Good on ya gal...!

Shows so much courage and insight! smile

I always felt that A... had married her mother, and I had married my father.

It was diabolical! So painful emotionally the see the past played out before my eyes!

I hung in there 'because of the kids', as you do... [...I don't regret that now... aww ]

but I did regret that every living moment at the time- what a waste of life! hmm

I put it down 'to the illness'. And even more 'to life itself'. But I am still here--- reading with awe and wonder, sometimes with warm tears in my eyes... I am learning more, and living... smile

Thanks so much for your share Mel- it keeps me in touch with me... aww

-Da.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes it is a last resort, but it also means dropping my course which is the most positive thing I have done in a long time, my 2 A brothers live there and my mum seems to be plastered half the time these days too so it is on no way a good environment, it's just more of the same really and kennels are $20 per day per animal, that's more than I pay in rent so that's not even a possibility. Plus she doesn't want me there so that's not a fantastic feeling. She won't co-sign a lease, she already said no to that. I've been looking for share houses but haven't found anywhere I can go with a child let alone pets, I spend most of my days looking under every rock for an option, that's why i am so frustrated and confused as to why there is just nothing. I'm not achieving anything other than being on a constant merry-go-round of trying to find somewhere to live and I'm tired of it really.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 26th of September 2014 02:55:30 PM

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 26th of September 2014 02:58:42 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

At 38, I couldn't have lived with my Mom and Dad no matter what. Didn't mean I didn't love them. Just meant I couldn't go back there again. Neither were As and my Mom was a very strong personality who wanted me to be just like her as did my Dad. Trouble was - I wasn't her. I wasn't going to be her. Our interests and our passions were nowhere near each other. Both of us in the same house again would have been a disaster. Like you, I made up my mind that I'd find a way to support myself and my children and I did. It wasn't easy and it was a heck of a lot better than going back home for another go around of what didn't work the first time around. The answers came from within me and I followed their guidance. I see you doing the same, Mel. Not all mothers are right to go home to except for short visits when we are adults. My Mom and maybe your Mom are two of those Moms? At my daughter's age, I wouldn't want her to live with me either - and that's not because I don't love her or don't enjoy her. Our lifestyles are completely different and she'd feel like she couldn't be herself around me because she wouldn't want to disappoint me or hurt me. That's no way for her to live and I'm not going to change those things about her. If she were sick - it would be a different story. But, she isn't and she is also on her way to 40. I affirm your thinking and your feelings here, Mel. I also trust that you will know what to do and where to go one day at a time. You've already gotten some "hits" or new ideas to pursue. You've moved before. You know you can do it again. I worked for temporary agencies, too, and had a devil of a time finding a place to live when I moved from my hometown to where I am living now. I just kept looking and right when all pointed to my not being able to find a place to live - bingo - there it was. The perfect place for me and my kids to live just opened up and we were at the wire. I could afford it and my car broke down shortly after I moved into it and away from home. There just happened to be a bus stop only a few yards from my home that I could go to to ride the bus to and from work until I made friends with a gal who would pick me up and take me home. I didn't have a car for a year and a half and although inconvenient, it was exactly what I needed then. It was the work of my HP that led me to this place. But I had to make a lot of calls and look at a lot of places to live before I could find the one that was perfect for my children and me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 03:18:46 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

That's what i keep hoping Catherine, hang in there and something will come right at the last minute, but you know there are plenty of single mums homeless right now and maybe the reality is it's coming down to that for me. What makes me better than anyone else? The reality is there are a lot of people in crisis right now and all the positive thinking in the world doesn't change the fact that there are no jobs, rents have skyrocketed and things are very very grim for many people. Maybe this really isn't going to work out OK and things are going to get a lot worse than I could ever have imagined in 3 weeks time. Maybe that's going to be my reality. I don't see value in holding out hope at this point, I think it's batten down the hatches and prepare for the worst time, realistically.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There are also a lot of single mums who aren't homeless. Several of them are on the board here. Maybe you will be in a shelter for awhile - maybe not. The important thing to me is not giving up and counting yourself out before its time. And you have three weeks to go. I don't think its time. Of course, is doesn't really matter what I think. It matters what you think. And I guess I'm not willing to agree that things are going to get a lot worse than you could have imagined in 3 weeks time. Maybe they will but 3 weeks is not here yet, so I can't agree that that will be your reality until it is your reality. Fear can paint some really ugly pictures for us when we're in that in between time. I've been there. I can still go there, too. And usually, something delightful or amazing happens that stuns me. When I get that scared, Step 3 helps me as does Step 11 plus yet another bath and although I'm prune-y when I get out of the bath, I'm also at peace.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

But I don't HAVE a bathtub, there wasn't one in the last house EITHER, just a crappy old shower, waaaaaaaaaaaah. I wish I could have a bath. I haven't had a bath for over 4 years!!!

I hope you know I'm giggling my head off writing that.
lol, needed a laugh, thanks

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I do really want a bathtub though, when I finally rent a house again. I don't even care if it has a roof or walls as long as it has a bathtub.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I was laughing before you even told me you were laughing. There it is, my friend! Your strength. Relish it. Savor it. Roll around in it. Don't give up. I love you, Melly, and I believe in you. You will know what to do when it is time to do it. Trust your healthy self! And now..................I need to bathe. (((M)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When people have been living in a domestic violence shelter, how do they transition into regular housing, and where do they find it? There must be people who have done this before - 'there is nothing new under the sun.' So frustrating that you are having to reinvent the wheel.

I know this is a rather frivolous comparison but here it is for what it is worth. I was scheduled to go and live someplace abroad for two months on a job, with my small child. The job did not come with housing but I found my own. Literally four days before we were scheduled to leave, our housing fell through. The place emailed me and said, 'Things have changed and we will no longer be able to offer you anything.' This was a very expensive city with a housing shortage. So the whole thing was about to go south. So I contacted literally everyone I knew, in that city or anywhere else, and said, "I need housing for myself and child in X city for these two months and due to an emergency I need something starting in four days. I can pay. If you don't know of anything yourself, would you please pass this on to your friends who might?" Miraculously, everyone sent it around and within 48 hours I got four or five offers. I took the best one and it worked out great. Not saying this is easy or it works every time. But I think it's time the universe started helping out a little here, Melly, because having you in anxiety is not the way the universe should be going. Can you crowdsource your problem? (Another thing people sometimes do is to offer a finder's fee - don't know if you could afford that - maybe you could sell your A and use the $5?)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And HP, please let Melly have a bathtub in the best place for her and for her daughter (and the pets if they can go, too?). Amen.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie! $5.00.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think I got a response when I asked you about renting a motel. Some motels have monthly rates and some take animals. If they don't take animals, maybe you can find an animal rescue place to help you out somehow. Are motels an option at all?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Since you'e offered me $5 Mattie, I'm going to take it. When will you be coming to pick up your goods?

I think it's time the universe helped out a little too.
You know the nastiest thought that keeps crossing my mind is that maybe HP wants me to give up and let my daughter be raised by her dad and his wife (they have money and a nice home) and that's why it's just one brick wall after another. Maybe HP just wants me to give in and go away and let my daughter have a happy life without me. And then I think if I'm thinking like that I'm getting depressed and I so don't need that kind of horrible black thinking, but it's there. Yay. Just what I need, mean bleak Mel picking on me and telling me to give up and go away. I hate that chick. She needs a long hot bath.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

No NLG, I exhausted the animal shelter options, they have no services available other than paying boarding fees and no there are no motels that take animals and the nightly rates start at about $80. The most I can afford as weekly rent is $280 and that's not allowing for food or paying bills. Not even a little bit of an option. I currently pay half the rent on a house that costs $320 a week and I'm just getting by pretty much. I don't have a job remember, I'm existing on a student allowance. If I could find a job, I'd have one.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Lord help us!

If he's worth $5, I wonder what I could get for one Ambulatory and somewhat well-heeled dry drunk? I wouldn't take a penny less than $7.50, because he takes care of the cats.

Melly, I was thinking how sometimes a person who is desperate enough stands out on a major corner with a sign and somebody comes through. And how appeals on the Internet can go viral. Daydreaming, what if somebody you know has capability of making a video and getting it up on YouTube. If you and that child and those equally photogenic animals (I assume Michael Douglas is as dreamy as the Husky) couldn't make a video that would be funny, entertaining and give a tug to the heartstrings, I don't know who could. Three weeks to go viral enough. All you need is one place that accepts the animals, has a bathtub (BTW, I'd get an inflatable kiddie pool and knock myself out before 4 more years, if nothing else.) and is affordable. Free would be nice, too--maybe somebody would like to have you look after the houseplants, feed the canary and live in the house for free. Who the Face not?

Anything I say is always for inspirationbal purposes--not to boss you around. I did notice that Mattie's suggestion was very much like Barbara Sher's 6 Degrees of Separation technique, so maybe that's a nudge. I know you've asked everybody where you are, but you could ask them again for the prospective place? And while you're asking, get people to help you move? Daughter's former roommate said: A good friend will help you move; a Great friend will help you hide the body. All you're asking for is a few good friends, hopefully one of them wirh good organization skills. And new digs. And healing for your body. And a job. No stretch for a benevolent Universe. I just would wish for it to get a wiggle on.

(((((((Melly))))))) ((((((((And Family))))))))
Temple

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

And yet A shamelessly tells me daily, if I stop being "silly" (by which he means have sex with him and pretend I think he's great and I'll go back to living in hell as his woman) he will get a job and apply for a house with me and pretend to be a nice guy for a few weeks.
But I won't be manipulated back into that kind of hell, not ever. I think he is waiting for me to "crack" and beg for his help. That's OK, I am waiting for him to sprout a pair of gonads and a sense of right and wrong. We all live in hope of something.
Mother says often "can't you just put up with him until daughter finishes high school" and such stuff so i suppose that's probably why she treats it all as a big joke.
If I gave in to that and he got a job and rented a house with me, i cant begin to describe the way he would be behaving within a few weeks. Been there, I'd rather be homeless.
Temple, it's a lovely idea but I'm a very private and painfully shy person and the thought of being on you-tube has literally made me start to dig a hole through the floorboards with my feet so that I can escape, lol. I have mentioned the situation to everyone I know, I'm a shameless networker. I just don't know many people, these days. But I did sell some makeup while I was mentioning stuff to people so that was a bonus.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 26th of September 2014 04:41:36 PM

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I just had a thought.

I have an email friend who has cousins in Australia (I know how big Australia is--doesn't matter.) I could email her and ask her to ask her cousins if they know anybody who knows anybody who might know somebody on the South Coast--across from Tasmania, right? Who would love to help out a gorgeous, funny blonde and entourage? If everybody on here could do something like that, We wouldn't even have to know somebody who knows somebody in Australia--we could be your 30 people. We could all ask everybody we know to ask everybody they know and carry it forward.

What do you think?

Also just thought--is there anybody in your local government? Or does anybody know an official with the Provisional government? Have you tried the Churches? Have you spoken to the principal at your daughters future high school, or the guidance counselor? Surely the school would not like to see that exceptional child fall through the cracks. You'd hope nobody would want to see any child fall through the cracks, but Australia seems a little bit lacking in the Social Services Dept. at the moment. To me, anyway.

You could really use an advocate right now. I hope the Universe is listening. Somebody who could and would do a lot of this for you.

And of course your Higher Power can just drop everything in your lap at any point.

Hugs,
Temple

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank-you for thinking so big for me.
I'll sort something out though, it just seems it's going to be the most crappy and difficult something possible, at this point.
Do you know, when i moved into this house with A, i had almost been ready to leave him and then i folded and moved into another house with him and EVERYTHING went wrong. i mean, we had 2 fridges and they both blew up, the microwave blew up, both cars died on the same day with the SAME extremely expensive problem, the sinks backed up, the washing machine died, lightbulbs exploded, within a week of moving in here with him I was getting the message (I thought) from the universe, loud and clear, THIS IS A MISTAKE. EVERYTHING went wrong. It was a NIGHTMARE, like we were in the movie Poltergeist.
And for the past 2 years, every time I get close to A or make some kind of peace or we get intimate with each other, an appliance blows up and the sinks back up and fines come in the mail and things go wrong...it has been so uncanny, I had come to believe that the universe was just pissed with me if I got close to him and wanted me to know it.
I know this sounds nutty but i guess I got so used to everything going seriously wrong whenever we get close that I sort of thought things might go right now that I have decided to move on.
Nutty huh, lol.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless your darling heart.

Maybe not the whole Universe, but maybe some very talented Polterguist, as you mentioned, was mightily ticked off with him from a previous lifetime.

That's uncanny.

On letting Daddy and Step-Mum raise the child. Um, isn't she the one who thinks you are crazy for not lacing her with Fluoride?

Sorry if I scared you. You don't write timid. Your sense of humor isn't timid. You can Sell stuff to people--that is really brave! So I really did not know. And who knows how you'll be a year from now, when you aren't living with Five Dollar Man.

Hugs!

-- Edited by Temple on Friday 26th of September 2014 05:54:00 PM

-- Edited by Temple on Friday 26th of September 2014 05:54:54 PM

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

That tickles me. I've heard of a 60 second man. Now there's a Five Dollar Man.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

How about help from a church? I am not a Mormon, but they will help people in any way they can. I would think they or another church could help with finding you a place to live and with food.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Get out there and make it happen melly. You can't afford any self pity. This is not the time. Love you but seriously...dig deep.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I just read this whole thread and feel so bad for you. (((( BIG HUGS )))) It does come down to doing whatever is necessary to get through this somehow...someway. Moving to a cheaper area might be what it necessary. It will be better for your daughter than living on the streets. It must be very expensive to live over there because 280 a week can get you a two bedroom apartment with a bathtub in AZ. You can get a one bedroom in some areas for 500 per month...not the best area but mostly safe.

My prayers are with you Mel that something will come soon....I don't want to see your and your daughter living in a car.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Your HP sure works in a very mysterious way, HURRY UP ALREADY! So sorry for what you are going through, so glad you are thinking living with your mom wouldn't work - from the way it sounds it would be like living with your A for the most part. Your strength and determination are inspiring. If you want to make a major move there are many people in the states who'd welcome you and your human and furry kiddos! But it won't come down to that, your doors are going to start opening in the brick wall you've been hitting! (((Mel)))

Southerngirl · Veteran Member

Instead of finding a way to leave - is it a possibility to find a way to stay? You said there is a non-negotiable eviction date and I get it that that may be iron clad. But I wonder - if you found a roommate who needed a home - had the money - and could sign the lease in their name.........might you be able to stay where you are? There may be someone who has the money but can't find a suitable home. Maybe HP has it in mind for you to be a blessing to someone else?............ And if mom really doesn't want you to come live with her, maybe she'd be willing to help find the money somewhere?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a craigslist there. Or lists of things online? Have you looked into homeshares? rooms for rent, Is there a college near where students put up notes for room mates?

Do you have help for housing there? would your mom or someone be willing to rent a house for you in their name with their credit?

can you put an ad somewhere looking for someone to rent a place with> I know here i see that all the time and people who put ads up to rent a room in their home and share the house.

Keep coming and venting. Don't give up.

I understand, my perfect credit is ruined. I had to give my new jeep back and had no vehicle at all. This is all part of living with an A. They will suck you dry. I cringe when I read on here that someone is going to marry an A and or have a baby with an A. It's insanity, to me its like asking to throw your life away after my and so many others experiences. I do share I love A's. very much. I just will not live with one ever again.

I know you are a good person. But I want you to know not ONE Time when I said ok to allow people to have a chance did it go well. Not once. even as much as I like the people here with their fifth wheel, they don't seem to want to want to help me to figure out where to put them as they have to move from where they are. You cannot live in an rv on anyones, even your own property. Its stupid.

ugh. Keep coming home to mip please! I wish all of us could do something to help. Even if we supplimented what you have to get a place you couldn't afford it the next month!

Do you ever meet anyone who is in a pickle like you? Do you have social departments?? can you go on some kind of disability for your hand??

hugs honey

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I like what southern girl said. but I think the landlady would be very concerned A would come back.....I would be to be honest.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

search landlord tenant law in wherever you are please...what if you offered to pay up the arrears, would they allow you to stay if you found a good housemate?

I remember your saying a paid ahead. I am guessing that was a lie?

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 26th of September 2014 11:20:05 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly you are getting lots of advice so I will just say hugs, prayers, and support from Kenny, Daisy, and Sunshine (((Melly)))

Kenny

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

1) eviction isn't over arrears or anything to do with A. It is because they sold their other property and now want to gut this one, renovate and sell it as well. They already gave me a 2 month extension on the stipulation that there will be absolutely no more time. That I couldn't find a job or home in 2 months is the shock, it's just so strange for me as I'm used to being able to find work/ housing easily. That the lawn was never mowed and the rent always behind didn't help and I'm sure influenced their timing but the bottom line is they want to pull the place apart and sell it so no, they won't let me stay, A or no A. I begged them to let me stay just until the end of December (when daughter finishes primary school) but absolutely not was the response.
I only moved in here 2 years ago, after my previous home (which I LOVED so much) was put on the market and the new owners evicted us on the spot (that was because of A who was drunk and crazy when they came to inspect).
I'm sick of moving, however 2 years ago houses were abundant and affordable and I am quite frankly flabergasted at how much things have changed in such a short time.

2)self pity isn't a part of my routine? It was 2,3,4am as I was writing this stuff and I thought, rather than lie in bed and stew and feel miserable and be sleepless all night, I'll write out all of the worry and resentment and fear and stress and see if that helps me clear my head at all. It did and I slept for a good 9 hours or so after that. I've done a LOT of smiling and pretending everything is just fine over the years. It's not fine at the moment. It's dreadful.

Anyway thanks for all the loves and cares. It makes a huge difference to know I am not alone. I will figure it out but whatever happens, it's the fear and worry that are doing all of the damage so talking it through helps me shine a light on it and work my way through.

(((everyone)))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, not to sound patronising but are you on the list with housing organjsations, have you registered as homeless? What about help from the domestic violence organisations they get people emergency accomodation. Its hard to believe a country as wealthy as yours doesnt have provisions in place for children threatened with homelessness.

You will work it out and your hp will help you if you ask. Keep us up to date. There are people here who care.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 27th of September 2014 03:26:05 AM

Luiza · Senior Member

Would your daughter's dad be willing to help in anyway? I don't mean getting her custody, but perhaps having his name on a tenancy agreement or as a guarantor? Lending you some money?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, 90 percent of the time, worry is a waste of imagination and it is self-pity. I truly am the pot calling the kettle here as someone who has been diagnosed and put on meds for an anxiety disorder...BUT - I do know that if you give in to the "misery and worry" part of this...every second you spend like that is time spent not in the solution.

I'm gonna get some disease, get in an accident, die one day.....I have no children to care for me when I get older....my husband is older than me....He will probably die one day and leave me a widow...It's not gonna be pretty. I pray that I will find gratitude and make the best of things until I take my last breath because that approach to things has worked out better for me than when I used to let the anxiety and negativity wash over me and take me under like a tidal wave.

There is also a difference between pretending to be all happy and that things are fine when they are not versus living in the solution. Put out 20 applications a day...move to a bigger city with a bigger job market if you have to, donate the pets if you have to...

I know this is very hard for you but after you get over this hump, I also know you will never be in a dependent rut on an A ever again. Nobody will be able to tell you that you can't make a life for yourself that is wonderful. I believe that....and I believe in you.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I never got the impression you were feeling sorry for yourself, Melly.

And I think it's okay to name our fears. Hard to overcome something you don't acknowledge is there.

I am glad you can come on in the scary dark parts of your night and type about the very real bugbears out there. I hope you then remember that we are awake and you can kind of hand it off to us. We'll think about it for you and you can go back and sleep--as you posted that you did.

We don't mean to sound impatient with you. We so want everything to be okay for you and yesterday would be good timing.

Hugs,
Temple

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, you will work your way through it, Melly. Making the best of yourself and each day one day at a time is the best any of us can do. I believe you will see an option you didn't see before if you keep practicing your program, sharing with us and a person you trust in your f2f group, refusing to let the night terrors squash you by sharing here, and trusting your HP to guide you and to give you what you need to deal with what you need to deal with one day at a time. You've come a long, long way, Melly. You're coming along just fine. (((M))) Me: Rub, rub, rub crystal ball - I see a bathtub looming in your future. :^)

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry for your situation...I too find it hard to believe you will be living on the streets. There has to be some help for you out there. Are the homeless shelters overflowing too? If I had to, I would move to a different city too and drive daughter to school if that's what you need to do. And donate the animals if necessary. Are you saying you have pets on your housing apps? If so, maybe that's scaring people off. Some people refuse to rent to people with animals. I have a dog, so I understand. But when I moved out I left another dog behind...along with fish.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.