I have to stop torturing myself - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to stop torturing myself

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry I don't have any Experience to share, because I haven't been where you are.

I would certainly encourage you to stop beating up on yourself; we all know that does no good.

I think you've shown real initiative in moving out. And it is certainly hard to divest oneself of stuff when a hoarder or hoarder wannabe is involved. A weepy one must make it really fun, on top of that.

Add the disease, it looks to me as if you are doing the best you can. I hope you can breathe a little and let the Universe take up some of the slack.

Blessings,
Temple

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, NLG. I am listening. I know how much this house not going into foreclosure has meant to you. If it does, maybe you will be relieved of some burdens you just can't carry on your own? For today, can you rest and let things be as they are for now? Maybe do something kind and nourishing for yourself? It won't change the financial picture for you, but it might help you find your sea legs again? Sending you lots of encouragement and support.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks ladies. My older 2 kids are here for the weekend. I am getting ready to go relax with oldest and get coffee. I just refuse to allow myself to feel like a failure. My ex is also treating my oldest badly. She says we should put her dad and my AH in a room together and let them fight it out and act crazy together. My youngest is having a birthday party tomorrow. Will focus on relaxing with family.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Friday 26th of September 2014 12:30:48 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

My family tells me it's ok to let the house go. I am getting support from everyone I know. I just can't feel confident in myself without getting feedback from others. I appreciate the advice and wisdom I've gotten here.

Spur · Senior Member

You do have to stop torturing yourself. You are making the best of a bad situation. I'm sorry you are having to let your house go. That's awful. But, you are clearing your life of things that are weighing you down. The mortgage is no longer affordable. Time for plan B. You look out for yourself. You are working for a better future. Don't let the past, and belongings drag you down.

Coffee with your daughter sounds wonderful. Those moments of spending time with our kids makes it all worthwhile. I'm glad you have family who support you. You're doing great!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Spur. I am going through the motions and my brain and heart eventually follow.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry I feel for you. I haven't been there but I think things in my life are going to change soon and not for the better. Will I be dealing with a home I can't afford by myself and have my SO not agreeing to sell..I don't know but I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.....watch and listen. Many here gives us the motivation and encouragement to keep moving forward no matter what happens

(((( hugs ))))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He is a whiny sick loser that wants to feel sorry for himself because his wife left him over unacceptable behaviors and he wants to live rent free and not work for as long as possible. He is seriously emotionally disturbed and you are not helping him. Sounds blunt but really...you have job...you have stability, you are a good single mom. Poop is not gonna turn into roses no matter how hard you try. You want roses? Stop serving yourself poop. Just curious, what are your fears of declaring it truly quits with him? This limbo stuff is making your coda issues worse and his isms are in full gear with you with zero sign of letting up. What about true surrender? What does 5th at mean to you? Think about it.

*P'S - this message brought to you by someone that thinks you have your own stuff impressively together, are managing fine on your own, but only get tripped up trying to carry and cling to an emotionally broken and manipulative toxic person for you.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear what Pink is saying as well .. I think of my STBAX as an albatross around my neck .. if I keep trying to save myself with this around my neck I'm going to drown too.

It sounds like you are taking care of you and doing what is best for you and that is OK. I know I was sent the message for such a LONG time that doing what is best for me is being selfish and uncaring .. that is NOT the case there are different kinds of selfishness .. taking care of the kids and myself is not selfish .. it's survival. Being completely irresponsible and negating the needs of others for my own wants (this is different than a need) is selfish .. aka .. I could buy food for my kids and myself instead I buy 9 dvd's. There are things as a grown up I have to do in order for us to continue to survive. There is a HUGE difference in those two situations .. one is self care the other is narcissistic, denial, and straight up selfish.

The other thing I hear in your post is rationalizing with an irrational person and OMGOSH I have been there and done that ... I was talking to the kids therapist about their dad and a sticky situation that came up (what else is new) and the words out of my mouth was ... if only he would understand .. LOL .. Ummm .. she stopped me and said umm .. repeat that and what are you doing? You KNOW better! She's right ... I do .. I'm trying to have a grown up conversation expecting him to be able to have a similar conversation with me .. that is so not the case. My STBAX only sees things from his perspective it would never dawn on him in a million years that someone else actually had issues with his behavior. So he's done something "bad" .. he's going to make what I did soooo much worse .. it's call deflection.

I remember saying to him .. how do you think the kids feel knowing while you were not seeing them or investing into them emotionally you were running around dating (we saw him at starbucks while I had the restraining order against him out .. he never even called them after that sighting .. we sure had a good laugh wonder how that conversation went sorry can't meet you for coffee my ex wife has the kids at starbucks and she has a restraining order out on me. We all know that WAS NOT the conversation .. LMAO!) Anyway, point is .. mine lacks the ability to empathize with anyone who gets in the way of his acting out. His response to that was .. well that's not MY issue that's THEIRS! Really? and SERIOUSLY?! How do you reason with logic like that? You can't .. it is not possible.

Stay the course .. take care of YOU .. yes .. it sucks about the house .. you know recovery is not a straight line by any means. It is a process and a journey .. by no means is it the end of the story. Hugs S :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I knew you needed to come to these realities on your own. You now see your talking to him was a waste of time. They are insane, its like being in a nightmare awake it is all so crazy.

It's rare anyone who leaves an A gets money owed to them or anything.

I suggested refinancing to get your equity out of it.Possibly getting a lower interest so payment is not so high. If you have not talked to your mortgage company, you may not realize you do have options.

What in the world would make you want to reconsile? What would you get out of it. Like you said you are the one who works so hard, and you have a huge heart for your kids.

I like your commitment to let go.

You can talk to your mortgage com. with out him.

anyway I am so happy you keep updating. We all learn from you, you know! hugs

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

PC: my main fears are of the unknown I guess. I won't file divorce papers yet because I don't want to pay him spousal support since he isn't working. Emotionally I am letting go more and more. I guess I keep thinking things will be different. He is a man of many words and no action. I love your analogy of poop and roses. Lol. Thanks for the p.s. part...I appreciate it.

Debilyn: I can't refinance because we are almost 5 months behind on payments. They won't refinance when you are late. I received a loan modification last year, so I can't do that again either. I have looked into all my options. I could try and force a sale if I file divorce papers, but if I file them I run the risk of paying him spousal support and he wants 50% custody. I don't trust any judge to do the right thing...so I am waiting to see if he gets a job. He is speaking to someone now about a job.

Thanks Serenity for the support. Thanks everyone. I have beat a dead horse long enough!! Thanks for being patient with me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys have a long history and a daughter. I get that it's not that simple. I do know that when I left my ex-A, I knew I wanted to be with someone who was mature, responsible, stable, sensitive. better looking (cuz the A had really let himself go), passionate, romantic, and better sex of course....all those things I'd missed in the relationship over the latter part. I was too sad and grieving for about 2 months after leaving, but then the hunt began. The hunt was frustrating at times, but also a lot of fun LOL. In retrospect, I spent years trying to work magic on the ex-A kind of like pointing at him with a broken wand and commanding him "Be more responsible! Lose that 100 pounds you gained! Stop blaming me for all your problems!" "Presto chango!" Never happened. Sure was nice when I took a bit of time, bit the bullet, and then went searching for a man that DID have all those qualities I wanted. In the process, I found that I had the qualities I was looking for within myself. I felt better about myself and then I guess I started putting that out there and the rest...you know the story. No more POOP! Roses!!! LOL

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, stop torturing yourself. Try it and you'll like it! It doesn't help anything at all. It just rubs salt in the wound and it's like kicking yourself when you are already down. I know, I used to be an expert at making myself miserable. Alanon has helped! Lyne

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
You guys have a long history and a daughter. I get that it's not that simple. I do know that when I left my ex-A, I knew I wanted to be with someone who was mature, responsible, stable, sensitive. better looking (cuz the A had really let himself go), passionate, romantic, and better sex of course....all those things I'd missed in the relationship over the latter part. I was too sad and grieving for about 2 months after leaving, but then the hunt began. The hunt was frustrating at times, but also a lot of fun LOL. In retrospect, I spent years trying to work magic on the ex-A kind of like pointing at him with a broken wand and commanding him "Be more responsible! Lose that 100 pounds you gained! Stop blaming me for all your problems!" "Presto chango!" Never happened. Sure was nice when I took a bit of time, bit the bullet, and then went searching for a man that DID have all those qualities I wanted. In the process, I found that I had the qualities I was looking for within myself. I felt better about myself and then I guess I started putting that out there and the rest...you know the story. No more POOP! Roses!!! LOL

So do you have time to help me look? Lol. Seriously, I am done after 2 marriages. I just like to look and fantasize about men taking me on nice trips and spending lots of money on me. I don't have the energy to be in another relationship. Will never marry again, I know that for sure. I will just have fun if I ever date again.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

One more thing PC: my magic wand was broken a long time ago. We watched Harry Potter last night. It was good. Maybe I went to the wrong wand shop. :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I bargained with reality myself for awhile, NLG. Then, I felt angry. The I felt depressed. Then I reached acceptance. Then, I made big changes. You are where you need to be and you're getting ready or are ready to enter the next stage of your life. Fortunately, you aren't alone and you will do what you need to do for you and for your girls. I know this is true because you've already demonstrated that to yourself on multiple occasions. You have two gals in college, a nursing degree, a job, you have owned a home in your name, and you know when to say when. You've changed since you've done this before and have acquired new skills. You also know some of what will happen in you because you've been divorced before maybe? If this is true, staving off the inevitable is a spirit killer. You know that from nursing. The longer somebody lets a wound fester without treatment, the worse the infection will become and the necessary medical treatment will become harsher. Al-Anon, MIP, your divorce support group, gratitude and asset lists, focusing on your self and staying in the day are all part of your treatment plan. You're going to do and be just fine.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful. :) getting ready to go roller skating for daughter's birthday party. I don't have to worry about getting AH out of bed to go. It starts at 12. That's too early for him. Lol. He is doing something with her another time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good! I'm glad it will be you and daughter on the skates. Happy birthday to your little one!

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