The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week my/our relationship counsellor told me that I had 'distanced too far'. She is not a specialist in alcoholic relationships and has encouraged me to stay with AH and share our bed with him at times when, I think, I should have left. No blame, I made my own choices, but I did feel guilty and unsupported during those times when I removed myself from negative situations. Now I just think that she is someone who I disagree with on certain subjects.
Anyway, this got me to thinking more about 'distancing'. When I first started to learn about alanon and came across the term 'loving distance' I did not understand it very well. I'm still not really sure that I know what it means for others in alanon and today I've been wondering how you all interpret 'distancing'.
My thoughts initially were that it was about creating physical distance but I could not understand how leaving my AH could be loving. I thought that I should support him and stay with him in sickness and in health and that way when we came through this nightmare he would see how much I valued him and us.
Then I thought that perhaps I could protect myself with emotional distance and in many ways this is the route that I took. I was no longer emotionally invested in our relationship, if AH hurt me with his words or actions I would not show my hurt and I would do my best not to feel it. I would try to live my life alongside him but without investing much of myself in our relationship until I felt safer.
With hindsight I think that my point of view has changed. Taking the route of emotional distance undermined my trust and care in us, our relationship and myself. It put a tremendous strain on my self esteem. If I had taken the route of physical distance I might not be so inclined to undermine AH's, and my own, self esteem with so many negative memories. I might be less pouty!! I suspect that my optimism and enthusiasm for life would not be held together with as many elastic bands as it is at the moment.
It is what it is, and all part of learning about life so no regrets as such. My thinking is, I hope, a precursor to forgiving myself for a mistake that I think I made and also a desire to share with other how my thoughts (the thoughts of someone who thought she was clever and right!) have shifted.
Milkwood don't beat yourself up. You chose a route that seemed to help you heal. That's important.
I have chosen to stay with my AH and to try to support him even though he is actively drinking. I find it very hard sometimes especially when he stays out all night and does not come home. He did it again last night. I try to distance myself from his disease by trying to focus on my own well being. I am no longer staying up all night worrying. I am no longer calling him or texting him 25 times a night. This is what distancing means to me. I try to attend f2f meetings and come hereto read others posts. Keep coming back it does help.
I am not sure that withdrawing our emotional support is a mistake if a person is being manipulative, caustic, sarcastic, demanding, self-righteous, raging or otherwise sick at the time it is happening. To withdraw it for all time - well, to me - that's another issue. When I think back to my own marriage when I withdrew both my emotional and my physical presence from a man who was an addict as well as an abuser, I know I didn't make a mistake. Had he been only an A - I may have made other choices. I can say that there came a time in our history when I could be there for him in ways that I couldn't be when we were married and for years after that. I could do that because the wall of his addiction and his hatred of women fell down and he became approachable and accessible to me and therefore, me to him in ways that honored both of us. I also knew that we couldn't be partners again in this life because we were too far apart on an intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual level. I felt sad about that since it had been my hidden hope that he would be able to face and work through some of his issues that got in the way of our being husband and wife, but by the time his walls had dropped, it was only a few years before he died. In relationship to my son, I do withdraw from him emotionally and physically when the disease ramps up, and again because the disease and its consequences create a wall that require me to do what I need to do to care for myself and the rest of my family even though that isn't to my liking. It just is what it is. In both cases, I have not closed either out of my heart. I've simply chosen to surrender to reality and done what I've needed to do to put boundaries in place that are necessary at the time. I can also change those boundaries to respond to what is apparent in the other at another time. I also notice that I still communicate with my children's father although differently than when he was alive. I have discovered that relationships don't end when somebody dies. They change.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 08:37:02 AM
Milkwood this sounds like detachment with "indifference" " I recognize it as I did the same and had the same reaction from a marriage counselor. There is no judgment , criticism or any forgiveness necessary. This is all a process and now that you are stronger,with more program tools and have rebuilt your self esteem, you can try to detach with love. It works.
I found that when I did this I treated him with courtesy , respect, did not judge, critique, or gossip about him and tried to have compassion and empathy for us both Keep on taking care .
I really sounds like you are right where you are suppose to be, because not everyone understands or even they are not comfortable with choices that they wouldn't have made their stuff gets in the way of what is really going on. Dealing with an addict/alcoholic the rules just don't apply that one solution fits the whole situation. That's why there are programs such as Alanon to begin with relearning how to cope with a situation that is not healthy to begin with and not having the right boundaries, tools, coping mechanisms .. I told my STBAX there is a reason we chose each other .. it IS because we were both emotionally unavailable had I been healthier or he had been we would have never had a relationship. While detaching with love is the ideal situation .. sometimes just detaching is the best that I can do in that immediate moment for self protection. I can go back and try something different after the initial crisis has passed .. I know when I first came to Alanon I was just trying to survive emotionally and mentally on a day to day basis forget about trying something new in the middle of the crisis .. maybe it was something I wasn't even ready for and it would have been an awful disaster to try and do.
I needed physical distance between myself and my qualifier for the simple fact he is/was (who knows at this point) so unstable my physical safety did depend on it. There were things that happened at the very end of things that were horribly degrading that I needed to make the clean distinct break from him. I also know I can deal with him better now .. well .. that's partially true .. I'm trying to do better (that's what matters to me) on a daily basis .. he makes it easy because we have no contact. I'm ok with that .. as I don't view him as a stable person.
Once the divorce is done I can work on "loving distance" .. for now it's all to real for me. I am not ok with it.
Anyway, good thoughts and I hope you are being gentle with yourself on hindsight .. I am where I am until something changes. It's not up to anyone else to decide when or what will be different.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Ive never heard of distancing in any alano literature ive read. I understand detaching with love, is it the same thing? Distance to me sounds a bit like punishment and in that case that is about still trying to control and change the alcoholic. Detaching with love was the best thing I ever did with my son. It meant I accepted him as is in this moment as fully as possible and loved him as he is right in this moment. So its about letting go of the past, no more counting of incidents and letting go of blame. This comes with immediate relief, only having to deal with the right here and now is liberating. Then I accepted my son could only be the son he is in this moment so no more wishing he was different or he was the son of my dreams. I realised this was very unfair on him and its not love. I stopped comparing him to others and started looking at the good and it is so easy to love him now.
There is distance but its healthy distance, mental distance. He is allowed to be him completely and I dont need to make who he is or what he says about me.Getting my ego in check, no the world doesnt revolve around me and an alcoholic operating from a disease, a compulsive disease isnt capable of puttingme first or treating me like I think I deserve. So that leaves me with choices, I can love him as is right now and live my own life fully and let him do the same. It means that my motives for any boundaries are about me and my own needs and wants not about trying to change him or stop him drinking.
I know its different for you, hes your husband but if you need distance from his disease as long as your motives are about your own wants and needs and not about punishing him then no guilt should be felt at all. Your duty is to your life and people pleasing is self abuse in a way.
I cant do any other program but alanon, alanon is a full program with everytning I need. Other ideas or theories can put my program work at risk and would spell relapse for me. I need to fully believe and outside challenges like therapy would conflict I think. Just my take on it.x
Milkwood, i first want to say that you are living in a situation that for me would be impossible, so my response is coming from that truth for me. It may be different from your truth. We husband and I had several marriage counselors throughout the years that, looking back, provided counsel that was harmful for me, as they did not really understand the dynamics of addictive relationships. When we finally saw an addiction counselor I knew in my gut that she was the one that understood...I felt validated. When I look back at my distancing, it was necessary for me, and it was "distancing" as I had not experienced detaching with love, yet.
If I see a pool with sharks, I am not going to swim with them. If I work in a office with mean people, I won't go to lunch with them. If someone wants to spend time with me, then they best not act like asses. For me, it is simple, when I am strong. I cannot stay strong when I am in the presence of people acting like asses.
When my husband acts like a patooty he doesn't get the pleasure of me. When I act like a patooty I don't get the pleasure of him. The difference, now, for me is I have more moments of detaching with love and, I believe, it is because I work my program and he works his program (most of the time). I will risk being vulnerable because I have learned how to keep me safe. I am also learning how to express my truth without sounding like a victim.
I believe you are doing well given your circumstances. It sounds to me as though you are committed to your marriage and love your husband.
Thank you all for your replies. The fact that I've muddled up my words, distancing vs detaching, intrigues me and could well be a flag for something new that I need to learn. You are right Hotrod, I've put on a cloak of indifference. So now I'm wondering about the difference between distancing and detaching.
El-cee, I like your take on things.
Paula, I recognise myself in what you say about struggling to stay strong in the presence of asses.
Grateful - I agree, my relationships with loved ones who have now departed this earth still continue and they continue to help me as well.
Hullibee, what a kind lady you are! I agree that I feel better when I keep the focus on myself and my own well being.
Serenity, there is a lot in your reply that touches on things that I'm a little scared of focusing on - always a good thing to see flagged up!
In other words, thank you my friends for your teaching and sharing your thoughts. This programme is like a glassy lake - I see things on the surface and go 'oh, there's a lake,' and then I discover that there is so much else to explore in the depths.
A marital counselor has healing the relationship as the goal. They believe that is what you came in for and that is what they will focus on. Knowing something about addiction and being a counselor, I know that the model for marital healing in a relationship where 1 person is in early recovery is for the couple to be cordial to each other and give space to work their separate programs. After a year or two of that, it may then be time to work more intensely on relationship issues. Jumping into marital therapy too early into recovery or when a person is in active addiction usually is challenging because the counselor winds up trying to push 2 emotionally damaged people together before they have healed enough individually to be part of a solid couple.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 27th of September 2014 11:59:00 AM
Pinkchip, thank you so much. What you describe here mirrors our experience exactly. We have been finding the experience painful and frustrating and yet my heart kept telling me that patience and time was really all that we could hope to do for - plus the work on ourselves as individuals of course.
