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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> new here but not to the dis-ease: hi everyone.
Post Info TOPIC: new here but not to the dis-ease: hi everyone.
aquamom23


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new here but not to the dis-ease: hi everyone.
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Hello all, I'm new here.  Funnily enough, I logged in and discovered the  draft post I had written almost two weeks ago.  Gee, my mind was racing and tired. I am glad I found this board, as attending face to face meetings is all but impossible for me. I have no babysitters. Its been a long long time since I attended or interacted with any ACOA communities, but I know I need this support.  Codependency is a crazy mad addiction, and I fully realised after three years of marriage to my AH that that indeed is what I am and that indeed is what he is.  Of course, this was as obvious as the nose on my face, which if you ever see it is totally unmissable, yet that good old lounge living elephant was pretty easy for an experienced codependent like myself to dust around. I come from three generations of alcoholics, of every variety. The functioning ones, the mainstream certifiably crazy ones, the loud obnoxious ones, the quiet you couldn't even tell they were drunk ones, but best of all ONE recovering one. There are more than a few co-dependents, and what makes me laugh at myself is the fact that I thought I was "cured". Ha! My angel counsellor told me years ago that when alcoholic and co dependent lay eyes on each other it is as two powerful magnets meet.  Perfect analogy for the man I married.  Literally, I layed eyes upon him and could not get him out of my head. He had to be mine.  And so he was.  Looking back, it was obvious he was an alcoholic, but little rescuer me decided to look at all the potential he had (ignoring the active choices he made), and the lack of understanding he had about his disease and oh boy I was gonna save this one!! Unfortunately, my life went down the tubes rather quickly in the process. Oh well nevermind, what were you worth anyway? Quite a lot actually and that's why Im here. Because I need to get well again. And being here is one part of that.  I live in a city with no friends and no family, although as per the above description, the latter is not a big loss to me. I have young children (lots of them) and so its pretty isolating, although I do have people I can have a quick chat with here and there. Hopefully, I will find a few more here.  Lots of work to do. Hi everyone!



-- Edited by aquamom23 on Thursday 25th of September 2014 03:40:08 PM

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hotrod


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Welcome Aquamom Glad that you found us and reached out and shared. Living with the disease of alcoholism is indeed a painful one and a road that we should not travel alone. Since you are unable to attend face to face metings I urge you to attend our on line meetings held twice a day and visit our chat room open 24/7.
You are not alone and there is help and hope.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


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We do have meetings  here in the Chat room that are wonderful.

Yep you are sure onto the A disease and your involvement. Just up to you to continue on into your own program. Which it is hard when you are raising those kiddo's.

I hope you keep coming and sharing. hugs



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
aquamom23


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Thankyou both for the welcome. The online meetings I will for sure attend and I managed to find a saturday one in person which may be possible too. Yes, painful. I came for these boards two weeks ago, when I woke up to my reality. My mom,the sole recovering addict in the whole family (god above I love her) she said time is on my side. I'm 32. I have decided I want out of this marriage, but practically I have to live in it for financial and physical reasons. ATM, I am removed from the feeling of powerlessness, mostly because the addict is in remorse mode. But I know that the next episode is going to drag out crazy me yet again. On the one hand,I feel as if I don't want to do this anymore,all of this cycle over and over again. Yet on the other hand im desperately afraid of how to take care of my life. Small steps I think. I need to get a drivers licence. Do some course in something practical to be employable. Its silly but what did it for me was the realisation that we will never have that fun holiday together because he drinks to get drunk and when he's drunk he is a monster. Then I realise that most all was a lie. Angry, hurt, and somehow strangely free almost.

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grateful2be


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Glad you are attending on-line meetings and will attend face to face Al-Anon meetings. They can make a big difference for you as you began to set and reach new goals for your life. I, too, did the same things over and over again because I didn't know another way to think, feel, behave. Once I began changing my thinking, my feelings and actions soon followed. Suffering, false hope, and fear begin to give way to surrender, acceptance and faith. Keep coming back here, too.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 25th of September 2014 11:29:05 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
luj


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Hi Aquamom,  my heart breaks for you as I read this and tears well in my eyes, for I too can relate to what you are saying, and this is my first post so I guess I am emotional.  But I am about to celebrate my 20th wedding anniversay!  20 years I tried to fix him!!!  3 months ago I realized it was never going to stopduhand that I wasnt going to save him.  I tried for 20 years.  I love him still. He is a good man when he is sober, but unfortunately, he is drunk most nights after work and most weekends, which is our time together.  He goes to work no problem, doesn't hit me, just verbal abuse & manipulation & lies, is well respected in the community, hard worker, these are all the reasons I stayed for 20 years, if I could only get him to quit drinking.  I tried alot of things, 20 years worth of things. :(  Fast forward, 3 months, I am in the process of taking an online course, becoming financially independent again, I have no planned date when to leave.  I cant until I can support myself, a mistake I will never make again in my life, become dependent - emotionally & finanically - on someone. His family loves me, my family loves him, its sad and hard and I dont know where or how my situation will unfold.  I just cant fake it anymore.  I've faked it to him that everthing is ok, for the last 5 years, this was my newest strategy, I even became an alcoholic myself.  Therefore he thinks everthing is OK.  He is gone now, drinking with the neighbour, its been 5 hours, second time this week, I know he can feel the change in me, I know he is talking to his friend, I have no idea when he will be home, how drunk he will be, whether or not he will pick a fight.  This is my life for 20 years.  But I finally opened my eyes and shut my mouth.  And I am desparatly lonely, but I have a plan and I only allow myself to feel sorry for myself for one hour a day.  Be stong Aquamom, you can do it.  Don't waste the best years of your life on him, like I did.  Make a plan, get help & support  (((hugs))))

   



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SunshineGirl


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Welcome Aqua Mom

I very strongly relate to your post. Thank you for sharing it. Welcome to MIP.

I have that magnet too!! But by working my program, it is very weak now!

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aquamom23


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I hope it helps you to know you are not alone luj, as your reply post could have been an extract from my life,exactly to the letter,including the drinking with the neighbour part. As I read you saying he "just"verbally abuses,manipulates and lies,my inner me protests loudly about that minimisation.because I know for me somewhere buried deep down under all this pain and craziness, I deserve better,and that every human being has a right to be loved honoured treasured and respected,and that includes you. It's a right royal travesty that we didn't get this from our marriages,and yes we have lost years to this disease,and we have the right to greive that loss.but each year is made of a day at a time.one day at a time.I cant get back my lost years,but I have today. Hugs to you.keep coming back.

 



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el-cee


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Welcome, great post. You sound pretty clued up, I find your post very refreshing. Denial can be frustrating and impenetrable at times. I can relate to your story about your own codependancy and the alcoholic being attracted like magnets. That was me too. If it gives you hope I have managed to seperate myself from that magnet and with alanon im managing to live without a human obsession, no desire to control, manipulate etc. My disease is in remission at the moment, not sure that tis the correct word. I know il never be cured and im wary of addictive personalities because I could be triggered. Anyway, im living with a much healthier attitude and mind today and its due to alanon. Im sorry you cant get to face to face meetings, they helped me with my habit of isolating and shame as well as my self pity. There are meetings on line here that might help. Check out the official alanon website. I suggest buying the welcome pack, very helpful. There are many tools to help you. Glad your here.

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