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First of all, I want to apologize for lurking and reading, yet not sharing. That is unfair to you. But I am trying to feel more comfortable with sharing.
So AH is 21 days sober today. We visited him in the facility on Sunday, where he announced that he wanted to go into extended care (another 90 days). I support that. He is in no position to come home, nor am I wanting to welcome him home. He dropped the bomb that it was another 10k. *CHOKE* 10k? Okay, well he needs it. That was my initial opinion. I have not wavered from that.
Driving the two hours home from the facility I started thinking ............. 10k is the cost of the college degree he refused to invest in for me. 10k is 10 great vacations of memories that I am cheated out of .. etc etc ... The resentment has built. he wants me to invest 10k into 90 days where I can only HOPE that he doesn't relapse from and we get to start this all over again. Yet, he would not invest 10k over 5 years for my degree to better our lifestyles. Monday, I contacted my insurance company and found out that it is covered, so that is a relief, because let's be honest, because of his habit, 10k can't be out readily. So I am better relieved, yet still resentful that my dream is put aside yet again for his selfishness and needs.
Then yesterday at work, I was asked if I was mobile. You see, I have been knowing for some time that my job is being transferred to another city six hours away from here, in another state. My dream has always been to take a position there and work. AH was never interested in moving away from our hometown EVER ... It's been a pipe dream. Well, this was my chance to get away and start anew. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to live the life I presently have in my hometown, therefore moving and paying two mortgages and surviving as a single mom in a metro area without a support system isn't an ideal life either. So I turned down the job (a promotion) because of the present situation. Last night when AH called for his obligatory 10 minute call home, I tell him what happened, he gets pissed, and asks why ..... then I explain the financial crap and he immediately throws up the wall of "Well I have to focus on myself, and I cannot worry about all that" .. Um, gee, thanks.
I have started to resent this comment. It must be nice to be on vacation from life ... and have an excuse to do so. I, too, have to focus on me, but I am stuck in this hole of crap he has left behind, and I cannot just abandon my responsibilities whatsoever ... Every time we talk of reality, every time I try and discuss REAL life (as opposed to his CONTROLLED life in the facility), I get the same answer, that he cannot worry about that. Really, now?? What is going to happen when you assimilate into REALITY after all this is said and done?? When will he learn support, and not of the selfish fashion?
Maybe I am wrong, but IF he wants a future with me, he too needs to deal with the present. And doing so would benefit himself in he long run.
I am in no different situation than before, except that now, because I have turned down this job, I am uncertain what I am going to do when my job moves. I need the benefits ... to cover his 10k 90 day treatment, and to pay for a major surgery my daughter needs.
I love my life (sarcasm). I have enough on my plate. Can't he take responsibility for once???
CD from your post, it appears to me that the focus is still on him. Not trying to give advice here but maybe it is time for you to focus only on you. If there is a job promotion and if it is something you really want then I would say go for it if it is not too late. You only know what you are going to do in the future, you cannot predict his actions. Take him out of the whole picture and do what is good for you and your wee one.The well justified anger you have is eating you up. Maybe it is time to stop thinking of what he needs and jumping on your own band wagon because he is either going to recover or not and my guess is not!
I so hear your story as my story! My AH went to inpatient treatment for 30 days that cost 5500 for our portion my employer insurance paid 35,000 and I am holding my breath for them to drop him soon because of the expense he has caused. Of course he rushed home from that and used again within 72 hours. He went to court in Jan 2014 got off like a lucky charm with only a 2 year probation, all felony charges dismissed because the poor, poor fellow had connections in the court system and none of them could believe he had such a string of bad luck (laughing) and he couldn't handle that and used 3 more times while doing drug tests for the courts and got himself ordered to a sober living 1/2 way house which costs 620 a month. We are 2 months and thousands of dollars in late fees behind on our mortgage, but I too get the Oh well, it's about me right now. His current facility encourages him not to be responsible or accountable for his "real life", they are a bunch of addicts/alcoholics running the show, so I get it now and I can see an epic fail for when he gets into the real world again, and guess what, that's ok because it's his problem, not mine. I have asked and tried to discuss this and other real world issues and get nowhere other than frustrated, I now don't tell him much of anything going on it's much easier for me to deal with and he still has his mess to look at when his vacation is over, it's on him not me.
I had the same resentment of him being on another vacation from life as he has been through treatment numerous times. I felt stuck in my hole as well, but then I started working with Al-Anon and Co-dependent anonymous and reading all the literature and coming to this board and online meetings. I learned my part in my hole of a life and have been working through my issues and my part in this whole mess. I took a good long hard look at my desperate marriage, got counseling and try to take the focus of my AH and put it on me.
Many folks on this board have guided me and explained that my AH may never be able to be responsible, mature or supportive. I am deciding right now if I wish to swallow that pill and make a go of this or get the heck out of Dodge. I know one thing that is true, go to meetings, get a sponsor, read all you can, come here for support. It does work, it doesn't happen over night and it's always progress not perfection, but it truly really helps.
((Hugs))
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I can understand your anger and resentment. I also understand that he is in rehab and that he is seeing a way to continue his treatment that may or may not result in long term sobriety for him. One day at a time is all that an alcoholic in recovery or an alanonic in recovery is given. Right now it appears to me that what he is saying to you is true for him and that's something. He could be pretending to listen to you or acting like he's going to do something about life beyond the treatment center when in truth, he's just saying what you want to hear which only delays things for you and gives you less hope for a future with a man who has regained himself. He is taking responsibility, sister, for his recovery needs today. It appears that you have chosen to continue your life where you live now in the same job because moving will only be a unilateral change for you and won't pay you financially to make the move? Maintaining insurance benefits for your family is on you for now and you see that clearly, too. I'm sure it isn't what you signed on for - most of us can probably agree that we didn't either. Yet, it is what it is. You have made some very prudent financial choices here and some loving ones, too. He can't do that right now from what I've been able to piece together with your share?
I've been in your shoes to some degree and the root cause for my discomfort was not what was going on outside of me, but the fear of what felt like a mountain of responsibility on my shoulders and the uncertainty of how much longer I could continue being the person who had more responsibility on her plate than I had ever anticipated or dealt with before. I resented the fear I felt more than anything else and the fact that no handsome prince on a white horse was coming in to save me. It helped to admit how deeply afraid and uncertain I felt about an unknown future, to do what I could reasonably each day, and to turn my will and my life into the hands of my higher power daily. I can remember coming home from my 3rd job one night, paying the sitter, checking on my kids and kissing them both, and then falling into bed exhausted. My prayer was: "God, I can't keep doing this much longer. I need help." And help came. Not that night. Not the next day but within a month or two of that prayer. At first, the guidance didn't make any sense to me but I still did what the still, small voice urged me to do. My entire life changed after that.
I don't know if you can relate to my experience, but if so, I do hope it gives you a little comfort and the sense you are not alone.
I wonder if you gave yourself enough time to think of the ways it could work. You could sell the present house, perhaps. Rent where you are going until things settle down. For you and one child, you could perhaps live in an apartment with less square footage for a time.
It's hard to think when there's so much stress. I'd go back and ask for a week to think about it.
And then think of all the reasons it can work. How whatever you might have to deal with at first, it's for your betterment and your child's, long run.
I've heard, what would you do if you knew you could not fail?
I mean, if that has been your dream and now the Universe is handing it to you, perhaps trusting that it wouldn't have been offered if it was an OK, you can have this, but first we have to shoot you in the leg kind of thing.
Blessings!
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Oy! This is a tough situation. I so can understand your anger and resentment at feeling like you need to turn down the promotion to keep your family together. However, is that really what you want for yourself?
You're already expressing regret. I would chat with your employer in the morning and see if that door of opportunity is still open. If it is, talk with your HP, make a list of pros and cons, take a hot bath, reflect on what you want your future to be. Then, make the decision. I have always trusted my gut feeling when it comes to big decisions. Listen to that inner voice.
As the spouse of an A, our first concern is always what's best for our family and a lot of times, what easiest and will require the least amount of effort, upset, and turmoil. Only you can decide what is best for you and your situation, I'd just like to see you give more consideration to this promotion before you close the door.
-- Edited by Spur on Wednesday 24th of September 2014 11:21:08 PM
I AM A LURKER ALSO. PLEASE FORGIVE THE UPPERCASE TYPE BUT I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM AND IT HELPS. IM A NEW MEMBER AND AM GETTING ALOT OF HELP FROM READING THE POSTS AND RELATING TO THEM. I GO TO AN ALANON MEETING IN PERSON EVERY WEEK. ID GO MORE BUT HAVE A TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM MY QUALIFIER IS MY HUSBAND THAT IVE BEEN WITH 25 YRS
Hi YarnCrazy welcome to Miracles in Progress I am so glad that you have been able to read posts , attend Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and then have the courage to reach out and share. This is a beautiful recovery family who understand as few others can the difficulties of living with the disease of alcoholism. Keep coming back, practicing using your tools, living one day at a time, focused on yourself because you are worth it.
Welcome collateral damage...no need to apologize, it takes time to come out of the shadow I understand your anger and resentment. Thankfully, there is hope through the 12 steps...al anon meetings are the place to begin learning how to apply them to your life. A life of peace is yours through al anon, if you choose to engage in your recovery from the effects of your hubbies alcoholism. Whether he works his recovery or not, your recovery is essential, as you have been deeply affected and your children have been affected. We are here to listen and share our experiences.
CD from your post, it appears to me that the focus is still on him. Not trying to give advice here but maybe it is time for you to focus only on you. If there is a job promotion and if it is something you really want then I would say go for it if it is not too late. You only know what you are going to do in the future, you cannot predict his actions. Take him out of the whole picture and do what is good for you and your wee one.The well justified anger you have is eating you up. Maybe it is time to stop thinking of what he needs and jumping on your own band wagon because he is either going to recover or not and my guess is not!
I agree 100% with deacon...reading your post, you are putting YOUR life and YOUR dreams on a "maybe he will recover??" an boooy he sure sounds humble and open/willing doesn't he????? I would jump onit...its time for you....IF he is meant for you, he will get into recovery ON HIS OWN STEAM and work his way back to you.......you have a right to be pissed and resentful...i would be too, the best cure for that??? leaving him to his own devices and taking care of YOU...and that is not being selfish that is self preservation.....do you know how many of them relapse and its the same merry go round????yea, some make it lots don't....its not a better's dream , you can be sure of you...you can never be sure of him......harsh but the truth......deacon is spot on here...please give this some thought...sometimes we only get ONE chance to turn our lives around....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha CD and welcome to the family. You're okay with where you are at and maybe even fortunate it isn't worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and often times that means progressively worse. I wish that on no one in any event. The anger and resentment is normal/natural for the spouse or relative of the alcoholic...don't guilt or shame yourself or waste time with it; as suggested self focus plan your plan and work it for the consequences you look for and add Al-Anon to your program...with a sponsor.
Keep coming back here also as this is family with tons of ESH - Experience, Strength and Hope. ((((hugs))))
I agree 100% with deacon...reading your post, you are putting YOUR life and YOUR dreams on a "maybe he will recover??" an boooy he sure sounds humble and open/willing doesn't he????? I would jump onit...its time for you....IF he is meant for you, he will get into recovery ON HIS OWN STEAM and work his way back to you.......you have a right to be pissed and resentful...i would be too, the best cure for that??? leaving him to his own devices and taking care of YOU...and that is not being selfish that is self preservation.....do you know how many of them relapse and its the same merry go round????yea, some make it lots don't....its not a better's dream , you can be sure of you...you can never be sure of him......harsh but the truth......deacon is spot on here...please give this some thought...sometimes we only get ONE chance to turn our lives around....
ADD ON...I didn't mean kick him to the curb, i meant leaving him to his own devices in that letting him take care of him and you take care of you...down the road, after enough recovery, you will decide do you want to separate or just stay married and live your own life for you, detaching from his problems.....i did mean what i said about sometimes opportunities come once and thats it.....follow your guts...follow your heart.....i would not put my future on hold , or abandon my needs for another....sounds like you've put your life on hold for a long time...pretty soon, u notice on day, that you missed life......this offer came for a reason....i would at least look into it....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think going to halfway and doing intensive outpatient would be more cost feasible. People generally don't need 90 days rehab if they can't afford it. He can work AA and intensive outpatient from a halfway house and get back to the real world. I'm sure the rehab is recommending more treatment, but the ongoing treatment for alcoholism is AA and plenty of it. I don't know all the details here and there are some folks that do need 90 days of rehab - usually people who are going to die if they drink or use again and have been to rehab for 30 days multiple times and failed. Rehab is meant to give a person time to get well enough to start going to AA/NA meetings daily, get a sponsor - truly surrender. Staying 90 days is not insurance against relapse. If he isn't ready to commit / surrender to a life that includes really working a program, it wont happen in 90 days either.
As for you, you have already received great ESH regarding alanon.
Hello! I wanted to let you know I am glad you are here. I too was in a very similar situation as far as my AH putting up walls and telling me over and over and over that he has to focus only on himself. At first the anger and bitterness I felt toward him was like a tidal wave drowining me. With the help of Al-anon, a counselor that specializes in the family of an addict and this board it came to light for me that my AH was 100% right! He did need to focus on him. If I had been wiser and more in tune with Al-anon when the treatment center he did his first 30 days at recommended that I don't let him come home and instead have him go to a 3/4 way house for an additional 90 days to six months, we both quite possibly would have had a much better outcome. Instead he begged to come home, I said yes and two days later in relapsed. Needless to say my AH was in trouble with the law and proceeded to really mess up his probation and was ordered to a 1/2 way house, he has since phased up to a 3/4 way house. Looking back, although I was super mad that he was on yet another rehab vacation and not being responsible for, accountable to our married life, finances etc. it is probably the best thing that could have happened for us both. He is seven months sober on November 12th! And I am seven months much more healthier than I have ever been in my life.
I side with Pink, ask the treatment center for suggestions on a 1/2 way or 3/4 way house. This provides the structure they so need in the way of going to meetings, being of service and building relationships that might last with others in recovery. It is also much cheaper and your AH if he works can help clean up the mess as far as financial issues go and the messes made in your relationship in small doses. Also, you will have the much needed time, rest, peace and quiet to learn about you, take care of you and enjoy you! I never knew what I was like., till he was out of my hair and I started to look at myself and clean up my side of the street. It's a long, tiring and hard road to journey but at the same time it is delightful and inspiring. Hang in there, you are exactly where you should. Hugs to you.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Newbe here chiming in. I completely understand your feelings and thoughs. I know it is a tough decision but I would take that job. Make it happen for you and your little one. If this is a promotion and you keep the much needed insurance then take it. Rent something where the new job is and find a realtor that helps move and stage (I actually found one when we were moving) or ask for help from friends, family, and/or church. Offering the advice is easier than being the one on the receiving side...but you can do this.
I AM A LURKER ALSO. PLEASE FORGIVE THE UPPERCASE TYPE BUT I HAVE A VISION PROBLEM AND IT HELPS. IM A NEW MEMBER AND AM GETTING ALOT OF HELP FROM READING THE POSTS AND RELATING TO THEM. I GO TO AN ALANON MEETING IN PERSON EVERY WEEK. ID GO MORE BUT HAVE A TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM MY QUALIFIER IS MY HUSBAND THAT IVE BEEN WITH 25 YRS
I understand your anger and resentment. Thankfully, there is hope through the 12 steps...al anon meetings are the place to begin learning how to apply them to your life. A life of peace is yours through al anon, if you choose to engage in your recovery from the effects of your hubbies alcoholism. Whether he works his recovery or not, your recovery is essential, as you have been deeply affected and your children have been affected. We are here to listen and share our experiences.