Boundaries and parties - Al-Anon Family Group

Venera · Senior Member

Boundaries and parties

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't and didn't invite people who drank to any celebrations for my kids except family members and there was never any booze or beer available then. I also made it uncomfortable enough for my "x" that he didn't try me on that. My mother's presence at my children's celebrations was also a big deterrent to my x. She was not one that even the disease could get too far with in her presence. I didn't drink and don't drink with children present.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 24th of September 2014 10:53:54 AM

Tash2 · Veteran Member

I think you should just be honest with him & everyone else. It is no way unreasonable to say this is a children's birthday party & there will be no alcohol. I know it's easier said than done, but you'll be surprised at how accepting people are! Good luck & enjoy the birthday!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

For whom is the party really when a baby is one year old?

I know in some cultures, people have every relative and friend there every time the baby gets a year older.

I like the guidelines that say that one little guest per year of age for the honoree. And I don't think a one year old even needs another baby there. It was just us and our child, with maybe from the age of 2, the next door neighbors dropping over sometime during the day. At 3, a couple we knew who loved her very much came over. And the next door neighbor's little girl came with her parents for a little while. But the cake and the presents were with just the 3 of us. First party wasn't until 4 and there were five guests--all children the same age or younger. .

Nobody ever drank, needless to say. We lived away from extended family. I wouldn't have invited a bunch of adults in any case. The day was about her.

Good luck! Happy Birthday to Baby! One is such a beautiful age.

Temple

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For some reason what hit me is you have a God father for your child who is an A. I thought if something happened to you and husband a God father or mother is who would get the child?

I agree why do get together have to involve drugs? congrats on your baby!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When I married my second husband, I married an alcoholic and an alcoholic family. All events were attended with coolers of beer. We had two kiddos, did what was expected and had birthday parties involving the alcoholic relatives. It was a great time for my husband and his alcoholic siblings. It was hell for me. This was pre al anon so I was not aware that 1. I did not have to follow cultural or familial expectations regarding birthday parties 2. I could have a birthday party with new rules 3. I could survive living with whatever descriptions of me they deemed necessary. Even while drunk, they were polite, passive aggressive, but polite, so I didn't have the nasty, loud, outwardly visible abusive behavior to deal with.

Having the tools of al anon would have changed the dynamics of the birthday parties and so many other events and experiences. So, you put in place whatever seems right for you, as baby only really wants to be cuddled, loved, fed and changed. Happy birthday to the sweet little one. How about a virtual party with all of us? biggrin

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you all! What I decided to do was to make a party in his daycare, where he is comfortable with his actual friends, just bring done cupcakes, sing a song, give away small presents to his friends and teachers. And then make another party at home without inviting people and just having our family. We will do cake, take pictures and let him eat his cake with his hands and get messy )) no drinks will be served, no worries about entertaining people our baby doesn't even know about. My husband agreed to that too and I am actually looking forward to that family time, we will get him 4 presents from each of us and open together on the floor, play and cuddle him. Thank u for your responses, it just made me think about what would our baby like himself. He doesn't need strangers (for him), he needs us)) and he wants us happy)) going thru a party prep would make us stressed.. Such a relief)) The god father is an A, at that time we had nobody else male the same religion close by and it was important for me to baptize him early. He got a very good god mother though, so what is done is done)

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

That is great, I'm glad it worked out for you and you figured out what the correct priorities were for him - and you.

I remember when my son turned 1, that was a really fun day, I'm sure you will have the same. Now he's 14, and he's tall and his bedroom is messy and smells like a hamster cage and about to go to his first school dance, and I'm still loving every single minute that God gives us together. I'm sure you will too!

Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Great plan!

cwya · Senior Member

I agree you have a great plan. To answer the question about Godparents, in Catholic cultures the Godparents are there to commit to raising the child up in the faith. Non-catholic faiths, I think, have converted that role into one where the godparents will be guardians of the child should the parents die as I've heard of this before. In the Mexican culture for instance, even the Catholics see Godparents as having this expanded role. Time changes all, even centuries-old practices. Interesting to share about these things. I love Alanon solutions to dilemmas of living around alcoholics. I'm having to readjust as well to coming back into an alcoholic family.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Wonderful that you worked it out and it is something you can look forward to instead of dreading.....and your precious baby will sense the excitement on some level smile

JustJill · Member

Good plan! God parents are not the people that raise your child when you die, they are suppose to look after them in the sense of religion. To help guide the parents along the way with the church. That is what I was taught being Catholic. I like the way you are handling the party. It is nice to celebrate with family, but if you are worried about the drinking, that is way too much stress.

Hugs.

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you all again)) I just asked my HP to help me find a solution and feel calm about it. Without this program I would be looking for a way to please my husband, because he wanted a party and maybe praying to God for something specific like "please God, help me so nobody gets drunk on or after the party" etc. and I would be looking for a quick clear solution for now and all future events. But with Alanon and small knowledge that I have I just asked my HP to guide me thru this right now and help me see what is the best, and I feel like I was heard. I just feel good now, I am not worried what others think either. It is really working for me)) I am Christian, not catholic. Godparents are not required to raise the child if something happenes, although I can see that is possible for some families. God parents suppose to guide the child spiritully in life, take him to church etc. unfortunately we didn't have somebody close to us who would be that religious and we asked our friend. It was more important to have him baptized early so he can be receiving the communions and be a part of church. It just felt right at that time, no regrets))

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

That's wonderful, Venera...

Just Jill--I love the kitty's mugshot. You may start a new trend.

Hugs!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you have recognized that the child's best interests are key here. Good for you. On the subject of godparents, that is a uniquely personal choice that is based on religious, cultural and familial traditions and tenets that Al-Anon has no opinion on to my knowledge? The most important issue here to me is that you recognized you have choices and you have found one that fits your value system and the needs of the family and the birthday boy! Yay!

Spur · Senior Member

You have done an awesome job of finding a solution that honors your wants for your child's birthday.

Having been in the same family dynamics, you are totally in control of what does and does not occur at your parties. I've had similar situations with my kids HS graduation parties. AH wanted a keg of beer at first child's grad party. My response was no and if he had a problem with that he could go somewhere else during the party and drink.

I'm not against drinking, I'm a social drinker myself but...there is a time and a place and activities that involve children or older minors are no place for beer, booze, or drugs.

I grew up in the sixties and seventies. All of my parents friends drank and smoked. Every gathering we went to had a full bar. My father an A always kept one of those mini travel cases in the trunk with his whiskey and mixer in it. That's pretty much what I remember most, everyone always drinking. I wanted better memories for my kids.

Set boundaries and don't back down.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.