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I'm new to the forum but really have no one to talk to and am looking for some support and guidance. My sister entered rehab almost three months ago after living at my house. It was a very devastating time as we are close. I had to set boundaries and ask her to leave. Our family then banded together to come up with the money to get her into a rehab facility which she was in for 60 days. During that time, I went to numerous family therapy sessions with her and set new boundaries. If she drank again, she was not welcome in my house and I would not speak with her until I felt I could trust the situation again. She moved into the sober living facility at the beginning of September. I received a phone call this morning from her stating she had been kicked out for drinking last night. Against the advice of myself and her sponsor, she chose to audition for a commercial (acting is a forgotten dream because of drinking) and got the part. They filmed last night and I don't know the details but she drank. Now she's somewhere out there and I have no clue where. Which is hard but I know I need to stand my ground. The part I could use some guidance on is that she begged me not to tell the rest of the family. I didn't agree to it but have not made any phone calls yet. Part of me feels it is her responsibility to communicate with them but the other part knows that my family will blow up if they find out later and know that I didn't contact them. I could just really use opinions please as to whether I should make those phone calls. Thank you.
Hi Shorty, welcome to MIP. I am glad that you have attended family meetings at the rehab facility and am so sorry to learn the sad news that your sister has relapsed.
Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. I certainly hope you have searched out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attended. Dealing with this disease without support is practically impossible as our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
In answer to question about keeping your sister's secret regarding the relapse. I believe this is an individual choice and decision. Al-Anon believes that an alcoholic in recovery's anonymity should always be respected however if an alcoholic is drinking he is already exposing the subject to the world so that it is not a secret. I personally would tell the family.
Please keep coming back and sharing you are not alone
I follow a rule of thumb when people want to confide in me. This is what I tell them: If what you are about to tell me is something about you hurting yourself or another person, I will not keep that secret. In the case of people I have known who use and I'm in the position to do so, I have told them that if they get themselves into a treatment program and stick with that program, then what I know about them will remain confidential. If they do not get into treatment, then I will tell others who can be affected by their drinking or drugging. I leave them the right to make their own choices and I won't keep secret what I know is harmful to them and to others if they continue the way they've been living.
When it comes to your sister, I can't tell you what to do in this case. I do think that by asking you to keep this secret, she is asking you to help her keep on doing what she's been doing. I can be wrong about that. I don't know your sister. I do know that the disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and flourishes with secret keeping and denial.
I wonder why your family would blow up if they know she's active in her addiction again. If it's because they think they can stop her, I'm afraid we know how possible that is. If it's because they wouldn't do things like lend her cars or have her looking after children, those are important practical concerns and probably important for them to know what's up.
The tactic I've taken about my ex-AH's drinking is that I don't mention it as a special thing -- "I have to tell you, he's been drinking again" -- almost like gossip -- but I mention it if it arises naturally in the conversation. "You're wondering if you should invite him to the cookout with us? I'm sorry to say he appears to have fallen off the wagon again right now ... so ... yeah, it happens, we're doing okay." Or even, "Yeah, I did see him on Saturday -- I don't think he's kept up his sobriety. I know, it's sad. I'm using all my tools to detach!" Of course how much to say and get involved in the conversation also depends on who I'm talking to and on how much recovery and awareness they have. But I tried to keep it all a secret for a while, back in the day, because I was ashamed and hoped I could get it to go away before I had to admit anything. Life got a lot more peaceful and healthy when I stopped trying to keep those secrets.
It's never a walk in the park. Take good care of yourself.
I am back again and would like to add that since the entire family chippedd in to pay for her rehab, I would tell the family because she might try to borrow more money from them without telling them the true facts.
It sounds like your family has been engulfed in the disease for multiple generations. How heartbreaking! But I'm so glad you have been going to family therapy and have been listening and getting it!! You can keep that up with Al Anon meetings and, some good news is that it's a lot cheaper than family therapy, and you can actually become friends with the participants!
I rarely keep secrets related to alcohol anymore. Many of the problems in my family were due to exactly what Mattie said above - I was hoping I could keep it a secret until somehow my wife was "cured" or something. Well of course that didn't happen, and many of the secrets were harmful to my wife being able to get treatment, and my son in not knowing that he could be dealing with dangerous situations with mom driving sometimes. So our mantra became "honesty is the best policy" when she get her 2nd DUI.
Now that she is in recovery, we don't walk around blabbing about it. She started to say "that's my story to tell, and actually it's my story to decide if I want to tell". So I haven't told many people lately. I had a reunion with some old friends awhile back, and asked her if she wanted me to tell them because they might ask about certain things. She asked me not to, unless something somehow specifically comes up. And I respect that.
But if she was active, I would be telling many more people just because they have need to know about potentially dangerous situations.
I agree with mattie, it sounds like everyone thinks they are in control and have the power to stop her drinking. I learned in alanon meetings that I have no control in anyones decision to drink and im so glad about that. I suggest you get some help to seperate yourself mentally from your sisters life. Its up to her whether she drinks or doesnt, her disease is hers alone and as long as everyone is invested then her disease can grow without her having any responsibility for it.
You've received good and thoughtful responses. People really do care about one another.
I agree with HotRod; since the family are financially invested in her recovery, they are more than bystanders--they are shareholders, in a way and need to be informed that at this point your sister was not able to maintain sobriety.
That way they will have information they need going forward.
And for me, I would certainly want to be informed, if I were in that position.
Blessings,
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Words are inadequate to express how much I needed to read these thoughts from all of you. Only wish I could have done it sooner today. Got stuck at work in a conference pretty much all day and couldn't get on the computer. Thank you all so very very much for taking the time to respond. I agree and hear everything each and everyone of you have said. It just helps reinforce the lessons I am learning through therapy and this journey.
In the end, I gave her the option to tell my mother before tonight or else I felt it best to do so myself. Guess which one she chose? I never heard back from her. I would want to know if the role was reversed. Of course I feel a little guilty because my mom also has a drinking problem and didn't react well but those are feelings I know I am still learning to deal with. I cut the conversation pretty short as I just wanted to state facts and move on back into my own life. I'm still trying to figure out how to go about telling other family members but I'm not stressing about it anymore.
I'm scared and worried. Miss my sister who is my best friend and had been so comforting to be around lately. I have no clue where she is or what she is doing. But it's my life I need to focus on. And I look forward to getting stronger by participating and being a part of this wonderful group.
Again, thank you so much. I feel so peaceful right now.
I think you made a very wise decision in putting the ball right back into your sister's court. She had a choice. You said what you meant. You meant what you said. You didn't say it mean. Your family's reactions are not your responsibility, so good that you are simply stating the facts and moving on. Is it necessary for you to call everybody involved in financing your sister's rehab or is your Mom enough? I can also understand your fear for your sister. Unfortunately, no matter how fearful or worried we are, that won't help our loved ones. We can love them. We can pray for them. We can refuse to enable them and we can detach in love from them. That's about it other than attending Al-Anon and taking good care of ourselves whether or not they keep drinking. As the disease progresses, the person we used to know and love becomes a stranger to us. Al-Anon helps us form relationships that are supportive and although they can't replace our loved one, they can help us continue doing what we need to do for ourselves. Keep coming back here, too.
Thank you grateful2be. I'm still debating on telling other family members that had a financial role in her initial rehab. Only because they are on my dad's side (he was also an alcoholic and took his own life last year) and I don't have much of a relationship with them. I haven't for years but my sister has. And she really initiated their financial support. On the other hand, someone mentioned earlier that they deserve to know in case she reaches out for more financial help while still drinking. I don't know. I just keep praying and know I'll get the answer when I'm meant to.
I also really appreciate your perspective on my fears and what Al-Anon can offer me. Yes it will never replace her but it has already given me back some strength I felt I had lost while going through all of this with her. Under awful circumstances, there is hope in that.
Al-Anon face to face meetings with help you with the long-term affects of being the adult child of alcoholics and being the sister of an alcoholic. Glad you are entertaining the idea of going to meetings and hope you do that for you. Both sides of your family are affected by long-term alcoholism. Your being in Al-Anon can help to arrest the disease's damage for you even if the others don't get into treatment.
Although MIP isn't the same as Al-Anon, there are several of us who post here who are in Al-Anon recovery and agree with you that help and hope is there for us in the program. We also have meetings here twice a day that can be beneficial to you as supplemental meetings to regular attendance in Al-Anon meetings in your area. Keep coming back here, too.
