Explaing the effects of Addiction to a 5 Year old - Al-Anon Family Group

krazycutejenn · Newbie

Explaing the effects of Addiction to a 5 Year old

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am hesitant to give suggestions here because I don't know your daughter and I don't know the situation. I do agree that telling her any of that adult stuff is of no benefit to her. As a child of five myself, all I'd want to really know is that my parents loved me and understood how sad, or mad or scared I felt at this big change that I didn't like. I'd also want to know that I hadn't done anything wrong and that my parents still loved each other and me - they simply couldn't live together right now. If I asked the question, "Why?," maybe the answer: "It's adult stuff that both Mom and Dad have to work out and it may take a long time to do that," would satisfy my curiosity and my need to know something that can make sense to me at 5?

I do want to say based on my own experience as a woman who lived with an abusive spouse and divorced him - the thing that was important for me to avoid was putting my kids into a position that made them feel like they had to make a choice as to "whose side they were on." A child generally loves both his parents and it is emotionally damaging to them to think they have to choose between either parent to keep at least one of them.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 02:23:10 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 02:26:21 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear krazycutejenn welcome to MIP. I do believe that Catherine has verbalized my opinion as well.

A child does not need to be filled in on the dysfunction that is being carried out in the family. You don't need to justify your behavior or actions to a child either so that I would simply state that mommy and daddy are separated because they cannot live together in a healthy fashion. That you both love her dearly and that the separation in the family is caused by adults issues that are ongoing.

Living with the disease of alcoholism affects each and every member of the family. AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is a recovery program for the family. Your child is too young for Al-Anon put in a few years she will be able to attend Alateen meetings for the support she will need. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.

It is essential for us to break the isolation caused by living with this disease. Being locked up in the bedroom while you are wide-awake to avoid confrontation, is not a healthy way to live. Al-Anon provided me with new constructive tools to live by and the emotional support of those truly understood. I urge you to search out Al-Anon meetings and attend.
Keep coming back here as well as there is hope and help.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A child this age is much too young to be concerned about adult things. I believe they need to be assured that it's between mommy and Daddy and she does not have to think about it.That you both are ok, and things are ok.

You have done the right thing getting away from that madness. I wish others would find they can do that or are ready to.

I taught kiddo's all my life. I saw what happens to them when they come to school and talk about this kind of thing. It's so sad. They just need to have us be the adults and say leave it to us. YOU are very ok!

hugs

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

This is all great ESH. The only thing I would add is to make sure that she knows all this is NOT because of her. Some kids pick up on that big time, my AW had that delusion from her alcoholic mom, and it has had significant effects on her.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you did really well in such a difficult situation. Alanon meetings will help you with the symptoms of living with alcoholism.

krazycutejenn · Newbie

Thank you for all the wonderful replies. If it comes up again I will talk to her about it. There are times when I just try to avoid the subject but the first time she just caught me off guard. I don't want to keep dodging her questions. She knows that him and I love her more than anything in the world and I know that's what helps. I have been trying to find an Al-Anon meeting in my area, that is convenient for my schedule so I can continue going, but things continue to come up. Thank you for the advice, I will work on getting to a meeting. I've sat through an AA meeting with him before to have a bit perspective, but I know Al-Anon would benefit me a lot more.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a book called What's a Drunk Mommy .. I believe it's an Alateen kind of book, it is CAL Lit .. you may want to check it out on Amazon.com good luck :) I think that's right ..

-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 23rd of September 2014 03:25:59 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Even at 5 my daughter was extremely insightful and asked very probing questions, so it was hard to know what to tell her. It was tempting to tell her grown-up details because she seemed so aware! Maybe your child is like that too? But children internalise things and no matter what you say, they find ways to blame themselves so we have to be very careful about what we say. It's a bit of a minefield, isn't it?
I tried to explain why her father and I were no longer together by saying, we really love each other and we both love you more than anything, and we tried hard to be a family together but unfortunately, we learned that we didn't agree about some very important things and no matter what we did, we couldn't find a way to agree about them. So we couldn't stay together and both be happy.
I remember explaining it by saying "I like to live where it is very warm and sunny all the time and your dad likes to live where it is cold and snowy and he can get warm and cozy by the fire. It's sort of like that. So no matter how much we like each other, we can't find a way to live together and both be happy because we just want such different things".
"So even though we can't be together, you get to have a mum and dad who are BOTH happy and love you to pieces".
For me what was important was to answer her in a way that respected her mature and understanding nature but to make sure I made it 100% about her dad and myself, and why we decided that being her parents separately would be the happiest and best thing for all of us, even if it caused us sadness sometimes.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 23rd of September 2014 03:56:25 PM

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