Dilemma - Al-Anon Family Group

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Dilemma

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Andromeda this is a difficult situation and unfortunately I can see both sides. I can understand him offering up his bedroom but missing his sons 16 birthday seems like a loss all around. I probably would say I can understand your position but our son's 16th birthday is important and I know he would like to share it with you.

Remembering that we are powerless over people, places and things and taking the action and letting the result is the best we can do. Prayers for a positive outcome.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

At this point it comes down to do what you want because your AH is doing what he does best. Son will have many birthdays with dad to come. Grandma doesn't. It is what it is and you can't make it go away.

Whatever you decide the AH will know where you stand one way or another.

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda: Your plan sounds like a very good one for the family sleeping arrangements if you are okay with sleeping in the den and for celebrating your son's 16th birthday! Wow! Can you believe he has reached this age? I'll bet it sometimes feels like yesterday when you first held him? As to the AH - well - its what they do and not what they say that matters. He can change his mind 30 times today. He's active. The disease is talking. Powerless, powerless, powerless over it and over him. If he does go to his folks and misses his son's birthday, it could be you'll all have a better time anyway and you get to sleep in the master bedroom. I know you are concerned that your son won't get to celebrate this ritual of passage with his Dad yet the days leading up to it are important, too. "Stay calm and carry on" comes to my mind. There is one stable person in your son's life. The disease doesn't need to get the upper hand today or any day. Chaos and drama is its middle name. It reacts. We react. Then, everything gets really, really messy. We can let it react,remain true to ourselves and carry out the plans we have made quietly and serenely. We can also let the chips fall where they may.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 10:27:32 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 11:59:04 AM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

How difficult to hear him say such a selfish thing. I would ignore him for now and let him do what he wants. He might change his mind a million times. Remember...it's all about him because his disease is active. If he goes away I would tell him he has to tell your son. Let AH deal with the consequences.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

All great ESH above. To me, one of the possibilities is he is just looking for some way to keep the in-laws from coming out. But lots of other possibilities too. If in-laws end up not coming out because of this, to me they were punished because of what was quite possibly just an off-hand remark designed to get your goat. Who knows??

My new word for the day (maybe for the month, maybe longer) is inscrutable. It's what they are when they are active.

Kenny

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This is most likely not the worst thing he has done or will do to hurt your son. I know how painful this is for you as a loving, considerate mom; there is nothing you can do to stop his dad from hurting him over and over again. If it were me, I would do as Betty suggested, carry on with your plans and place this and your son's tender heart in the hands of his HP for care and comfort. Your spouse is trying to torture you once again.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

What's funny is that his parents are dead and he has a brother and sister back in MD. He was complaining recently about how he has no family and I said, "Hey, you have your brother and sister!" His response was, "Like I said. I have no family to speak of." He has repeatedly claimed that my son and I are his only family and that he has no one and that he barely has friends. His two closest friends don't live here in AZ, they are both in different states on the east coast. He also said recently, "You have a support system, you have lots of friends through tennis, your divorced Al Anon friends (yes, to him, they are all divorced and bitter women, LOL), and through church. I have nothing." I have given up pointing out to him that he can find fellowship through AA, that he can join a men's Bible study or accountability group, or that he could take up a new hobby and meet people. There's just no winning with him and I gave up trying long ago.

Honestly, for last year's birthday, AH was barely visible. My son had 4 friends come over and AH was sleeping in the bedroom when the boys arrived. He finally made an appearance just ask we walked out the door to go to a concert, which I had invited him to the month prior. He claimed he didn't want to spend the extra money on a ticket for him to go to the concert. And, the year before that, he made a run to Staples an hour before I was expecting the kids to show up. I was taking 3 boys to the bowling alley and AH had said he wanted to come. I had to text him and say, "Umm, we're leaving in 5 minutes. Are you coming to this party or not?" We had to wait for him to show up because something at Staples must have been so important, right?

As much as I hate reliving these memories, it gives me clarity to see just what I'm dealing with and seeing the pattern of behaviors. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I haWhat's funny is that his parents are dead and he has a brother and sister back in MD. He was complaining recently about how he has no family and I said, "Hey, you have your brother and sister!" His response was, "Like I said. I have no family to speak of." He has repeatedly claimed that my son and I are his only family and that he has no one and that he barely has friends. His two closest friends don't live here in AZ, they are both in different states on the east coast. He also said recently, "You have a support system, you have lots of friends through tennis, your divorced Al Anon friends (yes, to him, they are all divorced and bitter women, LOL), and through church. I have nothing."

boohoo

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Andromeda ..

I'm soooo sorry .. this is VERY typical of the martyr behavior and it's not going to get better as the divorce goes on. I think what your AH does is up to him .. this won't be the last time you run into this and obviously from the story you just outlined this is very typical of him to feel sorry for himself and make it about him.

Just to share a recent story of what my kids are dealing with at the moment.

My daughter reached out to her dad recently and asked for money for her homecoming last year I covered all of the expense and he was no where to be found .. how quickly they forget. Anyway, his response .. he wanted to know what I was contributing, how he paid me XYZ for support and even went into his mother being back in the hospital (hmm .. shades of Father's Day). How it was my fault he couldn't see them and so on. Even went on to guilt her that the only time he heard from her is when she wants money. Her response? Umm .. don't know why you are telling me these figures they don't mean anything to me. Sorry to hear about Grandma, I've had pink eye and Dylan is not well either. Just out of curiosity .. where were you last year when mom took care of everything? My understand is that all you have to do is either pick us up in the truck or get the "new" car registered to you. How is this on mom? As far as contacting us that is on you .. I have tried many times to reach out to you and get no response .. we had this conversation in January that YOU would do some work and still haven't stuck to what we talked about .. you want to contact us .. you pick up the phone or text .. I always text you back. Anyway, she pretty much called him out and he didn't like it. He wound up giving her the money and she's been doing things to get ready for homecoming which is next year. We are not talking about hundreds of dollars. He doesn't get that what he pays in child support doesn't begin to cover what it costs to raise a teenager and a pre-teen. My girl is 15 and very much has very positive boundaries in dealing with both of us .. she doesn't take a lot of crap and I don't expect her to .. at the same time being a single parent in all aspects of that word is not easy. It's one day at a time kind of deal.

The only reason he has seen the kids on their birthdays is because I always made arrangements to be sure that happened .. this year .. they were not interested and he didn't even call them .. they got a text. So he has checked out on them more and more at this point. To even go into how inappropriate some of the conversation has become .. he's now pressuring them about when we are moving back to CA .. umm .. REALLY? So I have little patience after 3 years of watching the kids have broken hearts and broken promises. My son still will bring up the fact that dad neither called OR got him even a card for this years birthday (he's 10 birthdays are a BIG deal). So I'm trying to figure out how to make this Christmas extra special for him.

You don't need to worry about what he does or doesn't do .. just be there for your son .. it will mean more to him to have his grandma present and make the best of the situation. If dad wants to be a part of it he will .. if not .. that's not your responsibility. You can't make him be a good dad .. he has his own choices too.

Hugs S :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I haWhat's funny is that his parents are dead and he has a brother and sister back in MD. He was complaining recently about how he has no family and I said, "Hey, you have your brother and sister!" His response was, "Like I said. I have no family to speak of." He has repeatedly claimed that my son and I are his only family and that he has no one and that he barely has friends. His two closest friends don't live here in AZ, they are both in different states on the east coast. He also said recently, "You have a support system, you have lots of friends through tennis, your divorced Al Anon friends (yes, to him, they are all divorced and bitter women, LOL), and through church. I have nothing."
boohoo

LOL!

Andromeda: This is a way for the disease to be the center of attention - AGAIN. He isn't going to Maryland. If he does, it doesn't sound like this birthday will be much different than any other for your son. My kids got a thrill every time they got to spend time with my parents. My AH and then later my X didn't like their dislike of his mistreating me and not being a parent to his children. Who cares? My kids did and that's what mattered. Not what my x liked or didn't like or wanted or didn't want when it came to the kids and their love for their grandparents especially on special days for them. After reading Kenny's thoughts on this, I also find myself thinking about isolation which the disease also causes. It may be a visit with your parents will be a very good thing for you, too!!!!!

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 11:18:54 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 12:12:21 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGOSH .. PP you are a terrible influence on me because I read your post and thought OMGOSH you want some whine with that cheese?? :P

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful2be has some excellent points! (As does everyone else.)

Sorry this craziness is going on. We get such frequent practice at letting go, don't we? Maybe could use a little less sometimes! :)

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless you heart, Bonnie--

Sounds as if, historically, he always holds at least part of his son's birthday hostage. That's really admirable. Big man. And this year he has an opportunity to hold a part of your heart hostage for two months, if he is given the opportunity. (And I know all about giving a dry drunk or active A opportunity--I'm always speaking first to myself.)

My dream is that when I hear some stupid statement like that, that I assume the Stepford Wives smile and say, offhandedly, distractedly, as if I am really thinking about curtain material, "OK, Honey, whatever you like." And then wander off to rotate the foods in the pantry or something.

Because we both know that his saying anything is meaningless. We intend to keep our word/speak the truth/be congreuent. He is under no such cpnstraints.

He just talks--to fill a void, to get a reaction, to fuel his crazies, who knows why? (I heard husband say something untrue to my sister over the phone, and I questioned him, and he said, "I was just making conversation." She and I have to remind each other that nothing he says means anything.)

I really hope you can just file that under absolutely meaningless things he has said. And maybe give him information only when he needs it?

And my first thought was, actually, well, if he is gone, then he can't screw up the day. And that was before I read about all the other teen birthdays he's sabotaged in some way or another.

Hugs,
Temple

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Serenity, that was my first response smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

andromeda wrote:
What's funny is that his parents are dead and he has a brother and sister back in MD. He was complaining recently about how he has no family and I said, "Hey, you have your brother and sister!" His response was, "Like I said. I have no family to speak of." He has repeatedly claimed that my son and I are his only family and that he has no one and that he barely has friends. His two closest friends don't live here in AZ, they are both in different states on the east coast. He also said recently, "You have a support system, you have lots of friends through tennis, your divorced Al Anon friends (yes, to him, they are all divorced and bitter women, LOL), and through church. I have nothing." I have given up pointing out to him that he can find fellowship through AA, that he can join a men's Bible study or accountability group, or that he could take up a new hobby and meet people. There's just no winning with him and I gave up trying long ago

Last Wednesday's meeting was about choices. How we have them and just don't realize it sometimes. or have them and don't want to open up our world and see them. It was an Al Anon meeting so we didn't discuss the qualifiers (much). But the next part about choices would be:

How A's have them, but want to not take them to manipulate us (and themselves) into pity for them. Gets old, don't it?

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon remember we do not make others decisions, nor can we control them. So what he does is his business, his choice. Believe me kids go thru much worse than having the A miss their b day. Plus you might be surprised that your son may feel a sense of relief.

This is where we look at what we do,not others. I am sure your son will love just having gpa and gma there and you. What dad does is his problem. He has to live with himself.

Of course he is childish. He is an active A.

Remember the keep it simple? To not look at what A does, or feel like we have to respond to their insanity is soooo relieving. I woulda said sounds good to me. Left it alone.

Detachment is such a wonderful tool!

I know my kids loved it when Grammy was here. She was the best. hugs dear one!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what Kenny said above. I can't tell you how many times I've pointed out the fact that he has choices. His response is always, "I don't want to be the bad guy here, I'll let you do that." And, to answer his question: YES IT GET'S OLD!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And to my way of thinking - there is no bad guy. Just two people doing the best they can with what they have to work with at the time. The outside enemy is not the people with or affected by the disease. It is the disease.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.