Difficult Choices - Al-Anon Family Group

vm54 · Member

Difficult Choices

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

If this were my situation, she would not be allowed anywhere near my home, I would have no contact and I would get my behind into an al anon meeting chair as though my life depended on it. I know this is all very hard...you are not alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

VM I must agree with PP. This is indeed a painful situation. The suggestions that we all offered earlier still are the best solutions to the insnaity that you are living with.

This young lady has no job, no money, is living with a man not her husband and making demands of you on how you should behave. Alanon face to face meetings, alanon tools, alanon steps will help your entire family see the insanity and develp positive responses to support your lives.
Please begin to attend.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The people I see who are in a terrible position are you, your husband and your son-in-law. The disease has created drama and chaos in your life and has now broken down a bedroom door in your home. It is good that she has given the key to the house back and there is nothing that could stop her and her addict friends to have made another key to gain entrance into your home. I see you as being in the path of a tornado and being concerned for it and not for you. I agree with Paula. I'd also change the locks to my home and recognize that what I see in action is no longer my daughter but an active disease with destruction on its mind. It doesn't care about her. It doesn't care about you. It cares about having the money or the contacts it needs to drink, to drug, to gamble and it doesn't care who gets hurt. One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is to get off their backs, out of their way, give them to God and get on with our lives. In addition to Al-Anon, I also suggest Nar-Anon for families and friends of people with drug addictions. There are different things that go on with drug addictions because it brings in more of the criminal element and you could also find help and hope and ideas from other parents whose adult children are addicts. As scary as this all can be for you, both programs can offer you education, relief, support and new ideas on what to do in your situation.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 07:41:39 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not to make your worries worse - But from everything you described, I would suspect more than alcohol and gambling. It reeks of drug addiction also. I could be wrong but that amount of dysfunction and erratic behavior at her age sounds more like it has been drug related. The good news in that is that drugs make people hit bottom faster than just alcohol.

I can't tell you the best way for you to communicate. At this point, I think you really only want to know if she's alive or in massive trouble because you know the answer to all the other things. If she is not in treatment, she's in active addiction and not functioning well. Hence, you say things like "I'm not doing detective work in calling you. Just checking to make sure you are safe. You don't need to tell me where you were and all that."

How low a persons bottom is? Well it varies, but it's usually pretty low and even lower at a young age.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

vm54 wrote:
How do people get through the day knowing their loved ones have put themselves into such a terrible situation?
How should her husband deal with her? He told her that she could always call him if she was lonely or needed help - is that the right thing to do? I thought in my readings it said it was better to just pretend you don't care much and keep yourself busy with other stuff.

At my Al Anon home meeting, the most people there have kids who are their alcoholics. Some of them have been coming for 20 years and have kids in their 50s that are still active off and on. When I first got to meeting I thought "I'm so glad I'm here because of my significant other, if it was my kid I would crawl up in a hole and die". Now that I have been there for a while, that is exactly where they were at when they got to an Al Anon meeting. And now they are some of the strongest people I know, and I learn something new from them about coping with the disease at every single meeting.

I too got to a point where I bought my wife wine because I figured she was just going to do it anyway, and at least I won't have a fight with her in the grocery store about it, so I understand where you SIL is coming from. but I got to a point where it didn't matter, my family was always in chaos, and I didn't need to be feeding her addiction and making it look acceptable. It was absolutely unacceptable, and she could have gotten help at any time, she even knew where to get help by then because she was relapsing after her first rehab.

Also, the first time I went to Al Anon I didn't get it, I had to wait a year and come back, so he may need some time to want to go. The more you can pull the chaos out of your life, the more he might see that and want to go. And there is only so much you can do to influence him. As long as he is under your roof, you can make him do things, but you can't make him want to do things.

Kenny

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

That is so chilling. It's like a horror movie where the person in front of you looks like your child, but has been taken over by the zombies or the space aliens or the vampires.

In a movie, you see how the bad guys got hold of him--you can even see the little red capsule attached behind the ear, or the bite marks on the neck.

In real life, there stands what looks exactly like your child, but it is not your child who is speaking to you through his voice; it is the alien. It is the disease.

And there isn't any magic bullet of a fix. All you can do is protect yourself, get armed with knowledge, and trust that there is help out there for him and he may find it.

And Alanon is the very, very best thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately, for the child. Prayers that every parent and spouse in that situation will take that step.

Temple

-- Edited by Temple on Monday 22nd of September 2014 08:36:39 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

The drug angle is one I missed and I agree it is more than alcohol. I have known of families being murdered by a child of theirs when multiple substances are involved. Your daughter is dangerous to herself and others and it breaks my heart to even type this. Get yourself some help now. It seems I have read the same sorts of questions from you resulting in the same responses. Don't dawdle anymore in taking the right action to save lives. Prayers for your family.

vm54 · Member

Thank you everyone for all your responses. It really gives me hope that we are doing the right thing by her, as difficult as it may be for all of us. I haven't tried to talk to her since yesterday and haven't heard from her, but I was told by a friend that her car was at the place she previously told me she just got hired at this morning at 8 am. In order to keep a job, she is going to have to lay off whatever she has been using. I suspected she might be using drugs, but never saw any marks on her arms or found anything like that in her things at home. She did date a drug dealer once before and when I asked her about it, she said if she didn't take drugs when she was dating a drug dealer, she sure wouldn't take them now.

There is no doubt that this is ruining our lives and that of millions of other people who have relatives like this. At his point, I wish there was some way to "divorce" her for us, but you can't do that with your kids. Her husband is at least lucky he has a way out of this insanity - though he says he will always love her and it will take a long time to recover.

Once before she met her husband she went through a drinking binge where she lived with low lifes and in addition to the locks she could get into, we put other deadbolts and storms on the door, so to get into our house she would have to break the glass - because we can lock her out. The only reason her husband took that key is because if we use our other deadbolts, he won't be able to get into our house if we are gone. I think I am going to put our Trailcam up again too, just in case. I might even invest in security cameras. I have been going to the online Al Anon meetings. I tried to go to two face to face meetings, but even though it said they had meetings then - they had been discontinued.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your plan is a very good one. Maybe there are Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings in another town that is accessible to you? If you don't already have this information, I want to offer it to you. Contacting our World Service Office of Al-Anon can help you find meetings that may not be in your City but are in others that are 10 to 20 miles away? Keep coming back here, too. (((vm54)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 22nd of September 2014 11:30:03 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes we need the validation from others to take the action we know to be the best. It sounds like you listened, appreciated and can now move forward with the strength you gained from the loving support on this forum. blessings....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I cannot help it.I believe all God's creatures deserve to be protected. I full heartfully pray for you to please get that dog away from her. please. It is not fair to it. She cannot even take care of herself she is not able to care for it.

If she does not want to be charged for her breaking your door, then tell her to bring the dog back. That is what I would do.

I am sooo protective of children and animals. Just how I am. I won't hide that.

You are asking such perfect questions.

You need to be safe. Sounds like you are doing all you can to accomplish this.

No contact. Read Getting Them Sober, toby rice drew volume one. You will get so many answers there.

We cannot control anyone else. No husband should have no contact either. none.

I would pack her stuff and take it where she is or take it to a neutral place for her to get it. asap

There is no such thing as bottom. What it is is a place where we hope the A comes to in their disease that they make the appointment and get themselves into rehab with NO help from anyone else.

Every A may hit it at anytime or they may never. Even her going to rehab she most likely will relapse. It's part of the disease.

Al Anon is all about you. No it is not easy. I have been involved with my ex

AH for over forty years. He is part of me. But who he is now is not my guy. I had to think that the guy I loved is dead. I picture him in HPs hands all the time. I know he is watched over by HP and I know no matter what happens it will be ok. I have been thru so many tragedies and lived thru them and though I am scared I am still her, I still love and feel happiness. I do have a foundation of serenity.

We love our A's of course. But we can just let them go to do what they are going to do. Don't allow it to ruin your life. Go on with it. Do fun things, get away. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to do so. Fake it till we make it.

Hey it hurts when our well children leave the nest! So you are doubly hurting!

We have to take a breath and step into our own way of life. Healthy, happy, take care of ourselves. Love the ones who want our love.

We have to realize for us to do anything makes it worse for our loved one. They have to figure it out for themselves.

Do not believe anything they say! Their disease will lie and manipulate. She may use the suicide key too just to warn you. there are shelters, free food, free cloths etc out there. the more she has to do for herself the better. Just like you could not make her walk, and when she did she had to fall to know how to get up. Let her take care of herself.

praying for your family including that poor dog who needs you to speak for it.

oh as far as the husband, that is totally up to you. She has no right to try to control that. He needs you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.