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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Confused About Dealing With Daughters Problems
Post Info TOPIC: Confused About Dealing With Daughters Problems
vm54


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Confused About Dealing With Daughters Problems
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Hi,

     I'm new here as well.  My 25 year old daughter has been an admitted gambling addict for several years and went to a month long treatment two years ago, before she had a really bad relapse this July where she lost almost $30,000.  How she could get this much in credit and loans I don't know, because she just went through bankruptcy two years ago. After the gambling losses, she started drinking and it got progressively worse.  A couple weeks ago, we figured out that she had lost her job and would say she was working all this extra overtime - but was actually going to stay with another guy (she just got married this May and she and her husband are living in our basement until she was supposed to finish college this December). She told me he was just a drinking buddy, but he had 5 previous DUI's, whiskey plates on his truck and a Breathalyzer required before he could start it.  She tells her husband she is gone to work for a couple days at a time, then comes home when the other guy is working like nothing has happened.

     She sent her husband and I another email today, saying she had been "at work" for the past two days, but will get back to our house at 8 pm tonight, so not to worry about her.  We all know she has not been at work, I even took pictures of her car at his house.  I caught her coming to pick up her dog at 1 am and when I ran out to open her car door, I was surprised to see a strange guy driving, because she was drunker than him.  She has been gone almost all the time saying she is working or at internship.  We found out she lost her internship too.  She came home drunk at noon time last Thursday, then when I drove into town right after that, I saw her car at another bar - with her drunken friend in the passenger seat.  Friends said they saw her at a different bar a couple hours after that.

      So, her husband and my husband think we should all tell her she can't come back here and we shouldn't let her in the house tonight.  She said last week she knew she had a drinking problem and she needed help.  She went to one counseling session last week, but they didn't have enough time to do a full evaluation.  She was supposed to go to that today but skipped it.  The guy she is staying with posted on Facebook that he was at an NFL football game yesterday, which is 5 hours away from us, so of course she couldn't get back in time to make her appointment and it wasn't a high enough priority.  When she is sober, she seems to act like she will go for treatment, but we never know when that will be and help never seems available that quickly.

     My big questions are - Would it be a good idea to tell her she can't come back home?  Even if she agreed to get help?

                                      Should any of us tell her that we know everything she has been saying has been all lies?  Or show her the proof of her lies so she will accept reality?

                                      Is there any way for her to get help more quickly?  I'm afraid she is going to kill herself or someone else before she can get the help she needs.

 



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PP


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Welcome to MIP.  This is excruciating painful for you and your family and you all are desperate to take some action, I know.  The best action for now, is to attend al anon meetings and begin healing you. This is a disease that kills not only the abusers, but the loved ones as well.  Through al anon you will come to understand the disease, how you are affected and will give you the tools you need to know the best action to take with your daughter.  Take good care, you are not alone.



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Paula
hotrod


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Vicki, welcome to MIP. I agree with Paula, that this is an excruciatingly painful situation and I'm glad that you had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity. It does appear as if your daughter is suffering from the disease of alcoholism. This disease is progressive and fatal and one over which we are powerless. Alcoholism not only affects the person who drinks but also the family who is attempting to cope with the disease. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we lose ourselves in the process.

The best way to help would be for you , your husband and her husband to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. It is at Al-Anon face-to-face meetings that I learned how to break the isolation caused by this disease and developed new constructive tools to live by. Living one day at a time, focused on myself and my needs, trusting that a HP was in control helped me to be able to rebuild my life, my sanity and self-esteem. There is hope and help so please keep coming back.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


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I do know you all are in great pain over this. Your dear daughter is so very sick. We as nurturers find it hard to hear, "we must not do anything for them" NOTHING.

They need to feel all the pain, horror, sickness, loss of their disease to get help. Even then they may not. When we house them, care for them, listen to them, counsel them, explain, prove.... it is all for nothing. They are insane when they actively use. NO one can help her but her.

I have to say please do not allow her to have any animals. They cannot even take care of themselves. I would take it away from her and not allow her it back.

YOu are on the right track. Yes it is very appropriate for you to not allow her in your home. Her saying she will get help is a lie. She will only try to manipulate you to have more time to have it easy.

She needs to not have it easy and live her own life. I am sad to say that but it is true. We cannot stop anything from happening, any more than we can see the future.

I don't know if you have a hirer power HP. For me I learned to give my AH to HP. I had to I loved him so much it tore me up. I finally realized hp is the only one I can depend on to help him watch over him.

We do not counsel them. it is a waste of time.NO proof is needed, she knows. All one has to do is say, I love you, but no one gets to live in our home in your condition. period. Pack up her stuff, set it outside or ask where she wants i taken or just take it to her boyfriends.

I feel sad for all of you, husband has to be so sad.

I hope you keep coming,we will be happy to be here for you. We understand and we all have experience to share. If you need one on one just click on our names to go to pm.

we do care, we do keep it safe here! sending you love and hope, debilyn and btw, of course you love her! husband does too, she is very very sick, and her way to get well is allll from herself. ultimatums do not work. she has to make the call and get herself to rehab when SHE decides too!

IF she does



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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