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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New here-alone and confused.
Post Info TOPIC: New here-alone and confused.
JustBreathe


Newbie

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New here-alone and confused.
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Hi,

I am new here.  I haven't gone to any Al-anon meetings because I'm scared.  I believe my husband has had a drinking problem for the better part of a decade, maybe longer.  We have been married for 12 years, together for 14.  We live near my family, his is quite a distance away.  My family noticed a problem with his drinking before I did, or at least much earlier than I admitted to myself. The last six years have been particularly bad.  He drinks large volumes and never seems drunk.  He doesn't remember chunks of the evening or conversations we've had when he has been drinking.  He works late at night and often comes home drunk or comes home sober and sits alone while everyone else is sleeping and drinks a bottle of wine, or several mixed drinks, or 4-5 beers.  He sometimes drinks in the morning, with his coffee, even on days when he knows he will have to work in the afternoons. He has depression, and naturally the drinking makes it so much worse.  I have asked him multiple times to cut back or stop.  Sometimes he agrees to cutting back, which generally lasts 1-2 weeks, or he flat out says no.  

Last week, he was arrested for his first DUI.  He was mortified.  He came home and said with tears in his eyes that he is alcoholic and needs help.  Then people started telling him that a DUI was no big deal, it happens to lots of people, it doesn't mean you're an alcoholic.  That's when the finger pointed started.  "Why am I an alcoholic while so-and-so drinks as much as I do and he's fine."  That sort of thing.  At that point he said he's not an alcoholic, but has been abusing alcohol and has a drinking problem.  (Can't really figure out that line of thinking)  Now a week after the arrest he is saying that he has abused alcohol, but does not think he has a problem, as evidenced by the fact that he hasn't had a drop since the arrest.  

I'm a loss.  I was hopeful that the DUI would help him face reality and get help, especially when he said as much.  Now his denial has kicked back in fully.  I had hope the marriage could be saved if he committed to being sober.  Now he's back to trying convince me that his drinking in normal, it appears he has fully convinced himself.  He is saying he is going to remain sober for "a while" but then will go back to drinking "in a  more controlled manner."  

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. When I talk to him, I'm left thinking maybe I am making too much of the drinking, maybe he can handle it.  Then I speak to friends or family, or even typing this out, and I realize how absurd that is.  He is an alcoholic.  I guess I'm looking for someone to say that I'm not crazy, his drinking is a major problem, that he does need help.  I guess I'm hoping my story resonates with someone who can say either yes, there is a problem, or no, let it go.  I know that I need some support. 

Thank you for listening.  



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grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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You're not crazy. His drinking is a major problem. He does need help. And - denial will continue to cover that up for him. He will get help for it or he won't. It is a scary thing to know something about alcoholism and realize that you have the disease - just like it is for folks who learn they have cancer and don't want to believe it. The big picture is too much for them to swallow sometimes for awhile.

Regardless of whether or not he gets help, we suggest you get help for you in Al-Anon. The disease continues to progress in the A whether they are dry or drinking without a program and it continues to affect us in its progression. Al-Anon is not a cure all and it is a place where folks like you and me can get help for ourselves and learn how to live with what is a dreadful disease in a way that doesn't allow the disease to destroy us, too.

There is help and hope in Al-Anon for us and some of us can say that our loved ones did get into a recovery program and have maintained their sobriety for quite some time. Others on our board are also As in recovery and are a big help to us, too.

Please keep coming back and please find an Al-Anon meeting near you. Fear is one of the biggest problems face us as people who love others with this disease. The more you learn about the disease, the more you know how to help yourself, the more you spend time with people who are going through the same thing, the less fearful and the more faith-filled you can become.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You are not crazy, we have all experienced some form of these interactions.  I agree with Grateful in all that she shared.  Get some help for yourself through al anon and begin to feel some peace.  Keep coming back.



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Paula
Jill


~*Service Worker*~

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JB welcome.
You will get so much from attending meetings. You won't have to speak or anything - until you want to. I swear my first 3 or 4 meetings I sat and mopped up the tears but said nothing. That was fine. Many of us had recognized our story in others'. You will find a way to end the isolation and no longer question your sanity. This can restore us to sane.
Keep writing and showing up.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP ,Just Breathe, I love your logon name, it is very appropriate and am glad that you had the courage to reach out and share from your heart. Denial is a very powerful, negative tool that keeps many problem drinkers and their families from seeking the help that is so readily available.

Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. This disease affects not only the person who drinks but each and every family member who comes in contact with it.

AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic or person who drinks and Al-Anon is the recovery program for the family who is living with the disease. Living with this disease, we do lose ourselves by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. The best way we can help the entire family, the alcoholic included is to seek help for ourselves. This help can be found here on the Al-Anon board and at Al-Anon face-to-face meetings held in most communities. It is essential to break the isolation caused by the disease and to re-learn how to focus on our own life and needs while still living in the chaos and uncertainty.

It is suggested that we try six different meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you and to not make any major life changes for this first six months to a year in program. These are both wise suggestions as it takes time to be able to comprehend what is going on at meetings and also it takes time to reclaim our self-esteem and self-worth and to make constructive decisions for our life.

"Just breathe" is a great slogan and one I use often. It is interesting to note that when dealing with this disease I often forgot to breathe and that increased my anxiety.

Please note you are not alone and that there is hope and help. Please keep coming back

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Ok dear one, al anon is for YOU. We can do nothing for the A. His stuff is his own. Does not even matter what he says or tells you. His brain is not working. It cannot, besides damage it is sloshed in alcohol as is his whole body!

So we learn to take care of ourselves. Detaching from the A s disease and sometimes all we can do is love them. Stop doing anything for them they can do for themselves. focus on our needs and make sure we get them.

WE did not cause it, cannot control it, nor can we cure it.

Its all HIS stuff, I won't even talk to anyone about it. Its their thing not mine.Why bother I cannot do anything anyway.

We all feel crazy and are told we are crazy. They cannot figure us out so we are the crazy ones.

They are insane.

We can learn the best way to live with an A, but it if is not the way we want to live, we leave or they do. Lots is building ourselves up, going to meetings where believe me they WANT you to come! We LOVE new ones who keep coming back. We need you too. Plus this is a group who honestly already loves you. MIP is especially caring and real. We keep it safe here for each other! No one is above anyone else.

A book and other literature helps first. With knowledge you will lose that fear. Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice drew. volume one. you can get it for about five bucks on Amazon. If you need help pm me and I will arrange to send you one.

search addiction online. search alcoholism if you want.

Believe me the more you get into the program and come back the better you will feel, we call it working the program. it works believe me big time!!!

Myself I have been here with a few others around 14 years, yes here on mip! I have been so humbled to see so many take the steps to a better life. Some still with their As too.

There  is nothing wrong with not engaging when they talk. He does not remember anyway. I would say well I am going to go read or go see the horses whatever. or do wash go to the store, go to a meeting....

I used to go in my car and park somewhere for hours and just look at the stars....

There is no use giving them any attention at all when they actively drink.

Look up the word denial. He knows how sick he is. cutting back does nothing. Just not drinking does nothing. drinking or shooting up snorting, whatever is just a symtom of being an addict. Plus believe me, you will never know if they are drinking or not. I think they could sneak it even if you were handcuffed to him!

So it does not matter if we know what they are doing. What matters is what are we willing to do for ourselves? hugs, come back!! we can help you feel more comfy, we do have meetings here onlne too and a chat room.



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Luiza


Senior Member

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Posts: 430
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Your story resonates with me, yes.

First. I remember how scared I was about going to my first Al-Anon meeting. Even before I came across MIP, I would search about Al-Anon meetings in my area and then find every excuse I could not to attend. After getting encouragement here, I went to my first meeting and cried so much on the way. I was ashamed, scared, confused and angry. I was also in denial. Going to my first meeting (along with starting interacting here) was one of the most important decisions I have made for my own life. I needed a change for so long, and I didn't know how to do it or if I could do it. Now I am changing what I can and it has not been an easy ride but it has been a lot easier than I ever thought it would be. I turned my life over to my HP, I live one day at a time and I have compassion and understanding for my AH and his family who are still in denial about the disease.

Second. My H never had a DUI because he doesn't drive but his line of thought is a bit similar your husband's. It is ONLY and FEW beers, NOW and THEN. Not a big deal. Yes he gets slightly drunk SOMETIMES but who doesn't? EVERYONE drinks. Everyone has their poison. He is in CONTROL and drinking is NOT AFFECTING his life (but he is loosing his wife, so (?)

I spent 8 years talking to the wall. My H never remembers any agreements we have, any conversations, anything. For many years he blamed me it was my fault that I didn't keep him right. Didn't remind him. Didn't look after him. I started to feel I was married to a stupid teenager trapped in a man's body.

He drinks because he is happy/sad - tired/relaxing - working too much/holiday - or because it is Monday or any other day of the week. He even told me once he was drinking alcohol because he was thirsty....

Anyway, I am glad you found MIP and please don't be scared of going to a f2f meeting. You will soon learn how to hand the disease back to your H and you will find yourself again.

I hope you keep coming back.
Take care.

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
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