Debriefing - Al-Anon Family Group

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Debriefing

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You were put on trial and throne under the bus. You are not a child. It is not the business of ANY ministry leader and their spouse to decide whether or not you should attend church, wear make up, sing something outside the bounds of their religious beliefs or wear your hair in pigtails. We aren't made to fit in. We're made to be ourselves. You don't need their approval, appreciation or admonition and neither does your husband. You said what you meant, you meant what you said, you didn't say it mean and for now, I do think it is wise to hold your tongue until the more can be revealed. I'm sorry you were treated that way, Paula, and that is exactly why some of the folks I worked among never felt at home in a church. The leader and his wife are just people with clay feet just like the rest of us no matter what church they attend or what they put on their face. It is sad that they feel so uptight about rules that aren't going to free anybody - just tie them up in bologna that doesn't even matter. You are free-er. That's scary to people tied up in knots over silly stuff. Yet, they are who and where they are and you are who and where you are. They need rules and you - not so much. That's not a bad thing to my way of thinking. Its just the way it is. And, as I recall, there once lived a very great man who some called a prophet and others called Master and still others Messiah. He didn't break rules but He sure was true to Himself and there are those of us who know what that all led to for Him.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 14th of September 2014 09:30:58 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 14th of September 2014 09:34:28 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

What Catherine said, plus some hugs.
(((Paula)))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, Grateful. It is so very helpful to be validated....

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Melly, now the tears are coming.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You're in very good company, Paula. I know you will look for the deeper meaning and find it, sister.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Paula I am so very sorry that the weekend devolved into an unsupportive, one for you . I do understand the need to compromise in order to be supportive of your partner and I believe you acted in good faith. You did hear that still small voice within that cautioned you to be careful and thank goodness you were not completely blind sided by the events of the weekend.

I am glad that you validated yourself as far as the makeup is concerned. I would chalk up the weekend as a learning experience .You have gained a powerful experience and can make a informed decision for future events.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You all have given me some peace, I will sleep on this and see what the new day brings.(( (G,M,B)))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry that those folks did not respect you and tried to bend your will to suit their rules. It says heaps about them and not a jot about you except, perhaps, that you are a beautiful person who tried to help your husband even though you knew it would be tough. My own husband is more conscious of what strangers think of him than he is of what his nearest and dearest think. Not sure if that is relevant here, but I know it sometimes makes me feel unsupported and second string and sometimes it upsets me. I hope that you have a good rest tonight lovely Paula and that the morning brings good things

PS: I'd love to be able to wear pigtails occasionally!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

A loving husband would have supported you. I know from how you are, you are an honest, genuine, loving person. You did not deserve to be treated disrespectfully.

Even when my ah was at his worst he never was rude to me like that. I think he was afraid of me. lol lol

This is when I remind people of false christians. We are to love each other the way we want to be loved ourselves, and by how we love ourselves.

Bad associations spoil useful habits...

You put yourself out there. Good for you. Now I am sure you learned ummm no thank you next time. Heck with them, follow your heart.

I am proud of the make up statement. lol lol I am sure people want to say hey put on a bra to me. I had a surgery that makes it hurt for me to wear one. So I wear lacy fitting t shirts...besides they're perky. lol

who cares? I have to be true to my hp and me or I am not serene. again I am so proud of you.

ps I hope your daughter is doing ok. hugs honey

-- Edited by Debilyn on Monday 15th of September 2014 04:17:04 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Milkwood, yes, he is greatly concerned about what his Christian fellowship, thinks of him, which is one of several reasons I steer clear, despite the fellowship's attempts to bring me closer. This community doesn't work for me. I do feel second string to this community and have the same feelings you shared...thank you for bringing this to my awareness.

Debilyn, My daughter is doing great, thank you for asking. You gave me a chuckle with your tee shirt visual smile Thank you for your words of support.

blessed · Senior Member

I am so sorry you experienced these unChristain like behaviors that ruined what could have been a very nice weekend, and were treated like a child. I am a person that regularly attends church, and it breaks my heart when I hear of something like this happening. But, it also reminds me not to judge all (or a group) by the actions of a few. We, as humans, tend to do that. Not all church goers are like this, most are not but a few give the rest a bad name. The application of Live and Let Live applies. I am not saying this to trying to sway you to church - just putting in a good word for the other 99% that are not like that. :)

Again, I am sorry for your experience.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh dear, Paula--

Sorry you experienced that. Weekend with the Church Lady peeps. Fun!

Reminds me of the time we stopped to spend rhe night with old friends on a vacation trip. The wife had gotten pretty rigid and more controlling than I'd remembered her. She mandated that we come to breakfast the next morning in our night clothes. Oh ugh--I don't want to see anybody over the age of 2 in his jammies more than 15 minutes after waking. Oh well. Her house. And I will be hungry. So I got up early, showered, made up, put on a Clean nightie (over a bra--I freakin' Sleep in a bra; are we going to have underwear inspection?) and lucky for her I brought a robe. Um--are we allowed to brush our teeth first? What's the house policy on having to look at unshaven males at breakfast? Are bunny slippers de rigeuer? DDH sleeps in footy pajamas; can he wear his boots over them to breakfast?

So, we don't have to ever see them again. Too bad--the husband is lovely. And next time you are invited to Holier-Than-Thou-In-The-Pines, you can beg off and rotate your tires, or something. "I'd love to, but that's the weekend I'll be alphabetizing my pantry. It's part of my religion."

Blessings,
Temple

-- Edited by Temple on Monday 15th of September 2014 08:29:18 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Temple wrote:
Oh dear, Paula--

Sorry you experienced that. Weekend with the Church Lady peeps. Fun!

Reminds me of the time we stopped to spend rhe night with old friends on a vacation trip. The wife had gotten pretty rigid and more controlling than I'd remembered her. She mandated that we come to breakfast the next morning in our night clothes. Oh ugh--I don't want to see anybody over the age of 2 in his jammies more than 15 minutes after waking. Oh well. Her house. And I will be hungry. So I got up early, showered, made up, put on a Clean nightie (over a bra--I freakin' Sleep in a bra; are we going to have underwear inspection?) and lucky for her I brought a robe. Um--are we allowed to brush our teeth first? What's the house policy on having to look at unshaven males at breakfast? Are bunny slippers de rigeuer? DDH sleeps in footy pajamas; can he wear his boots over them to breakfast?

So, we don't have to ever see them again. Too bad--the husband is lovely. And next time you are invited to Holier-Than-Thou-In-The-Pines, you can beg off and rotate your tires, or something. "I'd love to, but that's the weekend I'll be alphabetizing my pantry. It's part of my religion."

Blessings,
Temple

-- Edited by Temple on Monday 15th of September 2014 08:29:18 AM

Paula showed me this little guy and it is time to pop him out and put him on display, Temple. Holier than thou in the pines!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your share, Blessed. I am not at all against churchgoers or Christianity....heck I study with a Franciscan priest and I adore churches, typically when they are empty, though. That is when I most feel the presence of God. I don't hold myself to be above any human being and am generally mindful of my judgments and, I believe, own them when they are present without projecting them onto groups of people when a few behave in a misguided way. I hope I haven't presented my share in a way that suggests otherwise and I mean no offense to anyone practicing their Christianity in a way that works for them. I do not steer clear of the Christian fellowship because it is Christian. I steer clear because many in the fellowship exhibit incongruent behaviors....I see unloving actions / behaviors. I steer clear of active A's for the same reasons. The addictions just take different forms. (((blessed)))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yay, here come the laughs! (((Temple and Grateful))). Ok I will share this, about 1:30 sat afternoon I asked my husband if he had an extra sock..at first he didn't get it smile

I love those little blue emoticons. Here is what I will do with the next invite ( I hope it shows up from my Ipad). If not, it is a little yellow one sprinting. I am now on my pc...here it is:

-- Edited by PP on Monday 15th of September 2014 08:59:10 AM

-- Edited by PP on Monday 15th of September 2014 09:34:26 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There was nothing in your share that put down anyone. What there was to me was a woman who had been maltreated for being herself. Fear - whether in churches or outside of churches - is a destroyer. And to me, the opposite of Fear is Unconditional Love that accepts people exactly where they are and as they are and asks for nothing except faith and trust in its abiding Presence.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 15th of September 2014 09:22:44 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Paula))))))

Please don't feel second string to the 'holier than tho in the Pines' community. If you don't, I won't. Is that a good deal?

Temple - your post was a classic! LOL

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Milkwood))) Deal!!!!! wink

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Love the sprinter. Of course, I'll have to incorporate him into some of my posts at times. Thanks for his introduction on our board. And, I hope the wind is behind you when you run!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my favorite quotes is by Gandhi that says, .. I like your Christ I do not like your Christians. it is a good reminder for me as a Christian to be aware of my own behavior towards others.

Your original post brought back some memories for me I was living with my Dad and s/monster, .. in my 20's .. LOL. Anyway, I had to go to church (strict small Southern Baptist, my s/monster did not believe I had ever gone to church .. LOL .. says the former hooker who had not entered church until she was in her 30's) .. that was a whole other issue to begin with .. church was a house rule and that was fine .. this was during the time that AIDS had been a terrible epidemic and much was unknown. Magic Johnson was just diagnosed with HIV that particular week .. anyway, I remember sitting in this little rinky dink church listening to the preacher .. for the most part (this was before to much technology) I was listening 1/2 heartedly until I heard the name Magic Johnson and my eyebrow shot up and I had a direct link to the pastor's eyeballs .. I moved forward in my seat and it's probably a good thing my father had a hold of my shirt because he knew I was about to fly out of my seat.

The pastor caught my look and backed away from the direction he was going with it. The look of fear on my dad's face probably caught his attention more than I did because yes I would have made a scene on the ignorance of where the conversation had been going. On an interesting side note, the pastor lost his church because he missed going to a ill boys bedside and proceeded to try and raise him from the dead. It was extremely bizzaro moment. This is the church my dad and s/monster belonged to .. they have moved on since .. it is bothersome to me when people choose not to practice what they are preaching. Part of the dysfunction of my family is we don't talk at all about the past, that's all suppose to be "forgiven" I don't understand how something is forgiven if it's never acknowledged that it even happen it's that whole slight of hand trick. Look over here while this is going on and I get to pretend the past never happened.

Anyway .. I totally digress .. LOL .. point is .. I like your Christ .. I don't like your Christians .. that is a very true statement to me. I'm grateful for the church I attend now it's conservative, however very loving, and you wear what you want. I don't agree with all of the ideology, .. I will be judged by God no one else, I do the best I can, .. for me church isn't God .. I do get to expand my relationship in that moment and I focus on the message not the messenger. While the kids are being raised in the church I encourage them to challenge what they don't understand or agree with, blind faith is just blind.

Hugs S :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Serenity, I love that quote and enjoyed your share, thank you. I can understand why the pastor changed directions smile

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