Needing a mantra or two - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

Needing a mantra or two

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Please forgive me if I sound harsh, Susie. That isn't my intent. It is my intent to be honest with you based on my own experience. I, too, believed that in many ways my x ruined my life and the life of my children. If I'm perfectly honest, I must admit that I agreed to step up to the plate of insanity and stayed there and that we both harmed each other and made a mess of our lives and hurt our children. I also know we did the best we could at the time with what we had to work with. He is dead now. There are things I did and still do love about him and we've been divorced since 1979. He's been dead since 2001. I've learned to be grateful for the things I learned being married to him and for the children he did help me bring into life. I can't say I'd do it over again and yet given what I know about my history and the culture I grew up in, I do think that what happened was inevitable. I can be grateful that I survived what many women do not survive. I can be grateful that what I experienced helped me nurture and practice assets within me that I used for good in my life and in the life of my children. I can be grateful to own my part in our toxic marriage. I can be grateful to have been the one strong enough to say enough and move on and out and away from a relationship God did not join together but unhealed hurts from my past did. I can be grateful to be able to sit here today and notice you on the board and encourage you to keep on getting your new life together without blaming or shaming yourself or another. (((S)))

Suggested mantra: Gratitude improves my attitude

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 14th of September 2014 11:38:30 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing more you need to say to him...he knows it all and anything he says to you is only because he is understands what really is going on and is scared to death. He needs his enabler to keep his lifestyle. Without you he is going down the drain. What is a good thing is you aren't going with him. You are going to climb out and get your life together with or without him. You will work hard to make your life better...no it won't be easy...but you will get there someday.

You are changing and if he doesn't follow your lead he will drown and guess what, he knows it. No need to yell because keeping quite is the best thing you can give him to make him realize this is REAL life happening.

You are doing good in your recovery so keep it up.

((( hugs )))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Slogans:

Stay in your own hula hoop
Don't go to the hardware store expecting to buy bread
To thine own self be true
Don't cosign anyone else's bs.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
The stove is still hot- if you keep checking it, you will keep getting burned.

He may realize for periods of time that he needs to "get it together. " However; I think there is an assumption there that he has some abilities or coping skills to put together. More realistically, he has drank/used himself out of those skills and he needs to learn them. By asking for "help" and to "forget the past." That is code for "manage my life so I don't have to and forget all my screw ups so that I don't have to look at my actions and learn from my mistakes."

So...Susie, if you really get that...A mantra could be that it is actually kinder to leave him alone. Perhaps "stop feeding the disease" is one because complying with any sick and needy demands from an untreated addict or even one in early recovery is almost always a plea from them to enable.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that Pinkchip - stop feeding the disease - never heard it before - thanks! So many times I fed his disease.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hind sight is 20/20 .. time and distance will provide perception .. you don't have to rush that it is great to know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel .. in the mean time .. feelings aren't facts. Not my monkey's not my circus. I choose to not minimize or maximize any given situation. I can choose a different response to the same situation. Definition of insanity .. doing the same thing expecting different results. My personal go to one lately .. thank GOD .. I don't look good in prison orange. :) As I watch my STBAX'S behavior it just becomes easier and easier to see what is mine and what isn't .. if it is his I leave it with him .. if it is mine .. I can figure out a different approach going forward. Lol .. seriously ... prison orange just isn't my gig. Hugs .. It all takes time and i do better when I don't rush the process.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I loved my AH almost all my life. The disease did really take so much from me. Did it ruin my life? No becuz I can get myself what i need. do I have retirement now, no. Do i have my house secure, no. Can I buy glasses i desperately need, no.

But for me I KNOW/believe he is so very sick. His disease took away our relationship completely. How dare it?

so hmmm when I used to feel bitter, I immediately forgave him. period.

It freed me. He i NO way would have done all this on purpose. I forgive him, he will never be well, or happy or be loved like he was. never. I feel so sad for him.

Life goes on, I am in control of my own one day at a time. Forgive and let it go! It serves no purpose to blame. it is what it is. so make the best of it.

hugs

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweet Susie,
You sound angry. I kmow angry. Been there done that, still sometimes go there. So keep coming here and honestly posting. And going to f2f meeti gs, lots of them.

And in fact, go ahead and wallow a little bit in your anger. I have wallowed many times in mine. But after a while I realize its really not helping me, and I'm sure you will come to that conclusion soon. And once you are there "Let go and let God".

Keep comimg back, really, please do
Kenny

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you for the wonderful mantras. I know that "Nothing changes, if nothing changes" got me out of my house and to separate myself from my AH. I really like the whole hot stove metaphor. You can't always tell from looking at the stove if it is hot, and it takes a long time to cool off. Thank you!

Grateful, you were certainly not harsh, and that is one of my very favorite things about this board is that you all tell the truth even if it hurts. I have honestly been down that train of thought. I do take full responsibly for my part in the relationship. I had my choice and I could have left at any time and I chose not to. I was sick too (apparently) lol. I am now getting help, and for that I am grateful for my experiences. You are right he didn't single handedly "ruin" my life. I was being a little melodramatic. Although sometimes I do feel that way and often I am a little angry often not honoring that some of that anger should be directed a bit in my direction.

I must say that I was particularly angry when I posted because I had just gotten off the phone with him. Frustrated too. Again I need to remind myself that it is NOT my responsibility to explain my feelings or explain to him that he is not walking down the right path. Some things must be said though. The whole trust thing. That is why I needed a mantra, so that I don't go overboard. I get frustrated when he suggests that we just ignore that I have been sad, empty, and put down for 14 years, so that I can just pick up and put all my trust in him again. He doesn't get it. And I want him to get it. BUT it isn't good for him to hear that (blame, shame, defensive), and it won't change anything on my end, what is done is done.

I love him and want the best for him, but I am realizing that this is twisted up in so many knots that the kinks won't be coming out. I am dropping the rope - they are his knots. Hmmm lets continue with this analogy...I suppose I am actually my own rope and I have myself knotted around his rope. I am getting myself untangled. Slowly but surely.

Debylin - you ARE right on point about the blame. I think on the surface I can say I am past it, but I know that I am not. It resurfaces. Our reading in Church yesterday was about forgiveness. Where the master forgives the slaves debt. That forgiveness should be give not 7 times but 77 times. For me, I forgive once then I blame, then I try to forgive again. It is a process too (for some aspects). I also noted in the parable that the master forgave the debt, but he did NOT loan money to the slave again. So I am reminded that I am not necessarily wrong for forgiving and then for honoring myself and my needs and wants after he has broken that trust.

Thank you for being here with me everyone! I appreciate your support.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am very drawn to the first image on the left in your line of simple sayings. It makes me wonder if forgiveness is truly necessary if we abstain from judgment - of ourselves or of another?

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Suzie,

These just came to me, and I don't know if they'd be useful. But--

Bless his heart; he has to live wirh himself. I'd say it hisownself. The Sweet Potato Queen says that and it always makes me chuckle. (And think about it--how sad that really is and he doesn't have his "whipping boy" to blame every single tiny thing on 24 hours a day. He's lost his buffer and support and he's either going to have to scramble to find a way to stay in denial or he might start to realize how bleak his life really is. )

And

And Thank HP I get to live with Me. (And think about how lucky you are--you get to live with You! I hope you are your best friend and favorite roommate. I know you do have very similar tastes--grins.) And that made me think of the line from Romy and Michelle's (Big Adventure?) "We're best friends because we are equally cute."

Hugs,
Temple

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