The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling so much with letting go of that dream of a happy home/family. My AH and I are divorcing--the financial situation is horrifying. I am now having to be away from my kids for the first time ever. I'm a mess.
Yet I finally look around my home and it is full of loving memories too--and I feel all I have focused on over the time of our separation (3 years) was the pain and struggle. I am brimming over weeping right now. Cannot believe it has come to this. Trying to understand if the walls I built up around me to survive are coming down but it is too late. Every emotion I have confuses me. Part of me wants to tell him I am finally ready to try again--but then I look at this legal/financial situation and think--I would be a moron to NOT get out now--thinking how worse it would be after even more years of marriage if we decided to divorce later (he is getting half my retirement, savings, child support, etc...I have been the soul provider so I am obligated by law to apparently take care of him for god knows how long). Everything is just a scary risk right now and I have made such BAD choices over the years--mainly out of fear or unhealthy co-dependency, it's like I don't even trust myself.
I'm grateful for Al-Anon and luckily I am able to go to meetings every week. I am reading and praying more than ever and I have moments of peace--but when this sorrow sweeps over me, it doesn't matter where I am--it pours out. Grateful to be able to be real right here.
-- Edited by sookie on Saturday 13th of September 2014 11:00:59 AM
I really really really hope you have a sponsor .. I don't know what I would have done without mine over the past 3 years .. she has been a God send for me. I can say whatever I need and I don't get advice, opinions or judgment from her .. what I get is understanding, love and acceptance. Staying or leaving is such a difficult confusing choice .. I was plagued by the what if's .. what if he got better, what if it was really me, what if .. and fill in the blank with whatever crazy statement needed to go there .. it really will get better .. it really will pass .. and the outcome is far greater than anything I could have imagined .. and NO it has not always been an easy road. I would have folded more than once had I not had my mom's support financially. At least .. at least I have been able to survive and that's a good thing. I have done better than survive I have thrived .. the fantasy that I lived in wasn't the reality of my life .. giving up the fantasy has lead to far more valuable lessons and living than had I stayed.
There were good times .. the good times were not as many as the struggles and I had to really keep that in perspective .. it wasn't all bad .. however .. and seriously .. it was more bad than it was good and I deserve someone who is present for me not someone who is present for their addiction.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I hope you have a sponsor, too. I do want to suggest "a friend" for you, too. Al-Anon readers are helpful to me and sometimes Melody Beattie's reader, "The Language of Letting Go," is an even better help at times for me. Remembering you did the best you could at the time and now you are ready and able to make some more changes might help, too, to raise your flagging self-esteem. You are not alone. You can only be and do what you are able to be and do at any given moment. You're doing fine. Affirm yourself, affirm how far you actually have come, and maybe - if you're ready - practicing Step 3 will help things feel less scary to you? I was deep in debt when I divorced my husband. By applying the one day at a time approach to my life and to my debt, I was able to pay off my portion of the debt within a few years. Believe in my HP and in myself helped me climb a mountain one day at a time. Not one creditor went without what I had promised to pay and I was raising two kids alone, too. Living by my own values and doing what I could with what I had to work with led to working completely out of debt and finally being able to save something, too. It took time but mostly it took faith in my HP and doing what I saw I could do and leaving the rest go.
I am on step three. Going thru a divorce ,grieving,the pain
And hurt is the worst pain i have ever felt. I am doing everything i can to
Heal. One foot in front of the other. My HP is besides me the whole way.
I also do have a sponsor.
I dont know if cheaters mourn the loss of their marriage. It is very
Intense process. No matter how things ended.
I am even trying to talk to my dry ah in person. That is huge it will be necessary
When negotiations start. We have no children so i am lucky in that respect.
We are still awaiting the appraisals and such. He needs to buy me out or we need to
Sell. I try not to write or say anything nasty to him.
Thank you. I also have spent the 3 years since he moved out praying for my HP to just let me know what I was supposed to do--to help me see the right decision. I am usually so on-the-ball--it has freaked me out how hard this decision has been. I guess I do need to revisit that, try not to project the worst and also focus on the new positive changes that may happen, too. I have already agreed to give him half of all the assets--that took me a few weeks of resentment to work through, but I have actually accepted it. It is the waiting to negotiate the child support/alimony that has me stressed but equally as awful is just this sudden realization about the walls I have built up. I feel like I am putting all this guilt on myself and I need to be gentle. Be present, live in the now, keep it simple, live and let live, just for today....gotta work the program.
I just dropped my kids off at his place for the first time ever to stay over. They are So excited. I had to cry in the bathroom all morning. Now I am here in my empty house--going to find some closet to clean, or something.
I wept, too, for all that I had endured, for the end of the marriage, for my very sick husband, for my children - deep wracking sobs that cleansed my mind and my heart of toxins too heavy to carry by myself anymore. it took time to grieve, to make more changes, to find myself again under all the junk I carried - most of it unknowingly - and to live to love again, laugh again and enjoy myself again. Cleaning closets help unclutter a mind, too.
Sookie .. It is ok what you are experiencing it's a feeling not a fact. For a long time I thought I was suppose to be more robotic about the process good grief it's been 3 years after all .. the truth is I'm still working through things that are much more about me and much less about by STBAX .. now if I could only get him to see reason .. I'll let you know how that is working for me lol. Enjoy the quiet time and relax. Do what makes you feel good the other stuff can wait.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You have no idea what the future holds. I think it is more likely you are cutting the final cords on thinks keeping you from greater happiness. In time, your life will look totally different and the best experiences, times of your life, and dreams BETTER than you originally had may happen in the future. Letting go of what you thought was your dream allows new dreams to come true. This is just a challenging period for you and you are getting through it a day at a time.
HOPE = Hang On Pain Ends
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 13th of September 2014 03:04:08 PM
