Well, I guess today was the day.

I've known for a long time that we have to move next month, I've known I have a lot of big things to do, and I've gone around in circles a lot, I can't do this until I do that, but I can't do that until U do this other thing...excuses excuses...or maybe not, I've made a lot of huge changes and made an independent life so much more possible than it ever was before. But now it's time for the big one. I was feeling like it was too much, how will I pay for a place alone, can I really manage that, ugh. For months and months I've gone backwards and forwards about this.

A kept saying "Can't we share a house, I'll keep to myself, we could save money," (uhuh, it'll be different now because....?) but I suppose I wasn't ready to actually go and burn that bridge completely, maybe...I don't know. It seemed too hard. Anyway he seemed to somehow get the impression that we were going to find a place together again (he just decided it I guess) and suddenly when i try to mention paying up bills or the rent that's due etc he yells at me, "fine I'll go to my mothers and you can find a place alone". Weird, weird weird, I haven't said I will move with him, in fact i have said no repeatedly yet he has decided I will and now he's threatening not to come...the sad thing is he's showing me exactly how he wants to try to manouver himself back into a position where he can blackmail me into being his doormat again. He's really lost his touch tbh, it's like playing poker with a 5 year old. Not that it should be a  game, but he is so blatant with his manipulation attempts now, it's obviously all a game to him. I wonder was he always this obvious and I was so blinded by emotion that I couldn't even see it? That's a frightening thought, that maybe I spent the last 8 years in a state of constant misery over such transparent childish nonsense? Eeek.

Anyway. I woke up early today, after a troubled night turning this all over and over in my mind, because yesterday afternoon I again tried to ask A about the bills I have paid and will he be contributing any, and what about the money he owes me ($$$thousands) and his response was to snarl and tell me "forget it, if you're going to hassle me i'll just go to my mum's"...well all of that stuff just makes me feel tired and irritated now instead of upset, I don't feel much beyond pity anymore and I'm quite sick of feeling guilty about that to be honest. The thought of rekindling a relationship fills me with dread, there's nothing left here at all. I feel like I have come out of mourning, or something. He's not the guy I thought I was in love with, it feels like that guy died a long time ago and this guy is an angry little kid that i find very hard to tolerate and I know for sure I don't have the energy or the desire to be his mummy any more or ever again. And yes I'm prepared to let go of the money but it's hard to resist the urge to ask when I know he is gambling his unemployment away every fortnight instead of repaying me or doing anything productive. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully. 

So this morning I got myself looking nice, and went and put in an application for a house, for JUST the girl and I. It's fairly likely I will get it, a pretty basic place but roomy, neat enough, a big yard and a big shed,  a bath-tub, which we have been missing for years. Yay!  It will do us just perfectly and it's a 5 minute walk to her school, and this is what is at the end of the street, so that'll be the starting point for our afternoon walks. 

Yes yes, quit with the beach photos Mel, lol. It just makes me feel happy is all. 

Now to pay for the house I need more income (I can scrape by currently but it would be very, very tight) so we went to the library and I printed out a stack of resumes, and we walked around town handing them in at all of the cafes. I am still hoping to work in the magic shop (fun!!!) but I need work right now not "probably in a few weeks" so I have now left a resume at every single cafe in town (and we are a town of many cafes lol) and have also applied for a job at the post office???!!!. A asked me where I had been and I told him I have applied for a place for just daughter and I. It was time to get this nonsense over with once and for all and for some reason today was the day for proper action instead of thinking about it and planning it and then not doing anything concrete. The real estate agent specifically asked me what A is doing and she said they will rent to me again but not to him. I told her he wont be moving to this house with me if I rent it. So that's that, really. Then I called my mum, sent her the link for the house and asked if I can borrow part of the start-up costs and she said yes as long as it is just the girl and I...well I knew that would be the case which is why I haven't been willing to ask until now. But today, well, it's time. I can't explain it, maybe it doesn't sound like I did anything major but to me...well, today was the first day i woke up and realised I CAN do this on my own and I want to, and I'm going to, and if I follow some logical steps like part-time work, apply for places, organise funds...well, then it's going to happen, isn't it. It's not too hard. I don't know why I thought it was.

I also made an appointment to see the doctor on monday  to go back to the neurologist as my hand is still weird and floppy and obviously if I am going to work it's going to cause some issues so if I have it properly diagnosed then I guess I can state that there is a disability if I need to and then I won't have to hide it or feel weird about having a vague "thing" that might make some jobs difficult at times. Like for example I can't exactly waitress very well when my left hand can't even lift it's own weight at the moment, lol. If it's going to happen repeatedly then I suppose it's no good pretending it doesn't exist. It's very inconvenient right now though and I wish it would snap out of it and start behaving like a hand again, UGH!!!! 

Anyway. Today felt significant. I feel like I finally bit the bullet and put everything in motion. Yay!