I will not be fooled again!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I will not be fooled again!!

Luiza · Senior Member

(((Newlife Girl)))
It is a shame that our children are caught up in the middle of insanity.
Do your daughters go to Alateen or have access to any kind of professional support?

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Newlifegirl, does his behaviour really surprise you? What has changed, that honestly makes you feel this way? His behaviour and attitude is typical alcoholic behaviour, nothing new or surprising. When I was still deep within my disease it would surprise me every time, as if its the first time. I was insane and I can see that now. Its like living in groundhog day except we still expect change and better behaviour, why? Does he got to aa or is in another treatment program? Then, maybe change is possible.

He gets you every time, what is it you are getting out of feeling this way over and over again? Sounds harsh but I learned that I enjoyed the victim, martyr role. When it was all poor me, i got to tell my sad stories and i enjoyed the attention. I honestly never thought for a minute that was the case. You have choices, he behaves badly then you dont need to be in his company, there are alternatives, there always is. You choose to have regular contact with a dry drunk, this is the relationship he is offering to you, you dont have to take it unless the rewards are enjoyable.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He also seems to be suffering from memory loss. You WERE showing the pictures in YOUR house. He's only living there free of charge for a little bit longer. His disease doesn't care what you think of its behavior. It only cares about continuing on its collision course. Getting sucked into its mean spirited arrogance does happen from time to time and the number of times begin to lessen the more meetings we attend and the more practicing we do with the program. I allowed loneliness to suck me into the web that the disease spun for awhile after separating from my x. I allowed the way I felt after getting sucked in to help me reach out to others who could see more clearly and that helped me determine what to do next on my own behalf. After awhile, the disease became more like a knat on the wall than a hidden hole of quicksand that I'd fall into from time to time. He isn't going to be who you want him to be and he's probably never truly talking with you since the disease progresses whether they are dry or not.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 13th of September 2014 08:12:23 AM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful. I appreciate your help. And you're right..it is my house!! I didn't think of it that way.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 13th of September 2014 08:17:49 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And I appreciate you. You helped me continue my own recovery work. We help each other continue to walk the walk. We are a fellowship of equals who know just how crazy-making this disease is and how much we can gain by doing our own recovery work. (((NLG)))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
Newlifegirl, does his behaviour really surprise you? What has changed, that honestly makes you feel this way? His behaviour and attitude is typical alcoholic behaviour, nothing new or surprising. When I was still deep within my disease it would surprise me every time, as if its the first time. I was insane and I can see that now. Its like living in groundhog day except we still expect change and better behaviour, why? Does he got to aa or is in another treatment program? Then, maybe change is possible.

He gets you every time, what is it you are getting out of feeling this way over and over again? Sounds harsh but I learned that I enjoyed the victim, martyr role. When it was all poor me, i got to tell my sad stories and i enjoyed the attention. I honestly never thought for a minute that was the case. You have choices, he behaves badly then you dont need to be in his company, there are alternatives, there always is. You choose to have regular contact with a dry drunk, this is the relationship he is offering to you, you dont have to take it unless the rewards are enjoyable.

I am not "getting" anything out of this to my benefit el cee. I am not just coming here to post my sad stories to get attention, if that's what you think my motives are. I am not sure how to interpret your replies sometimes. I am not trying to play the victim either. You are right, his behavior shouldn't surprise me. But I won't blame myself for his snake in the grass behavior towards me. I am just coming here for support. Maybe I should consider not posting anything about him again. We are all on different pathways with the A in our lives. since I have a child with him, I have no choice but to have contact with him to a certain degree.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 13th of September 2014 08:18:41 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

NLG, I think elcee only meant that you seem to continue obsessing over him and handing him your serenity. It's not a slam or criticism personally. Detachment is hard. We get it. Just hate to see you getting upset over the same behaviors he has over and over. You already said what you needed to do though...let go. Letting go will take more than just willing yourself to do it. What things can you do or are you doing to assist in letting go?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I think A's go one way or the other with their family and friends. They either realize they need help or they go on the defense when the family will no longer enable them. I know you feel really bad the way it's going in your life, we all wish for a better outcome. We learn with time to live on life's terms and continue to work for our benefit and happiness and pray for the Alcoholic, that they will see the light.

You are doing well making the best of a bad situation so keep on keeping on

((( hugs )))

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I've been there and I just wanted to assure you that the surprise at these "attacks" will lessen with time and hardly affect your peace and serenity if you keep on doing what we are all trying to do here.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it was that exact behaviour...behaving as though he was in competition with my child, as if he was a jealous little kid and she was his sister (dobbing on her,trying to convince me she was the cause of our problems...) that really turned me off A for good. More so than anything else, it was hearing a supposedly grown man whine and tantrum and be jealous of a little girl...it really drove home the fact that he wanted to be a little boy and for me to be his mummy....icky. Just icky.
Hope you managed to shake it off and find your happy again.
(((NLG)))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

NLG, I was relating your post to me. I played the victim/martyr role, me. When I worked that out I was surprised, I thought it was all in his hands all of it and so to look inside and see my own part in every situation gave me freedom. He never had the power to make me unhappy. It was always within my control. I did get rewards and most people in recovery talk about the rewards, rewards may be the wrong word but I did play roles and was deep in the poor mes and I never even realised it. It was brought to my attention early on in recovery and I am grateful for that, it helped me get out of denial and take control of my emotions, feelings and the situations I allowed myself to be in that were unhealthy for me.

Im not saying you are playing the victim/martyr part. I know I did and its not an insult or put down. Its just a symptom of being affected by alcoholism. Awareness of these behaviours was the first part in my recovery. If you feel none of these behaviours relate to you then maybe they dont or maybe your not ready to see them yet. I dont know. We are at different stages of recovery. I can see me clearer and its saved my life. I thought it might help. Im sorry if you felt insulted or offended.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 13th of September 2014 02:42:27 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

missmeliss wrote:
I think it was that exact behaviour...behaving as though he was in competition with my child, as if he was a jealous little kid and she was his sister (dobbing on her,trying to convince me she was the cause of our problems...) that really turned me off A for good. More so than anything else, it was hearing a supposedly grown man whine and tantrum and be jealous of a little girl...it really drove home the fact that he wanted to be a little boy and for me to be his mummy....icky. Just icky.
Hope you managed to shake it off and find your happy again.
(((NLG)))

Thanks. Love your profile pic. You look so happy!!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
NLG, I was relating your post to me. I played the victim/martyr role, me. When I worked that out I was surprised, I thought it was all in his hands all of it and so to look inside and see my own part in every situation gave me freedom. He never had the power to make me unhappy. It was always within my control. I did get rewards and most people in recovery talk about the rewards, rewards may be the wrong word but I did play roles and was deep in the poor mes and I never even realised it. It was brought to my attention early on in recovery and I am grateful for that, it helped me get out of denial and take control of my emotions, feelings and the situations I allowed myself to be in that were unhealthy for me.

Im not saying you are playing the victim/martyr part. I know I did and its not an insult or put down. Its just a symptom of being affected by alcoholism. Awareness of these behaviours was the first part in my recovery. If you feel none of these behaviours relate to you then maybe they dont or maybe your not ready to see them yet. I dont know. We are at different stages of recovery. I can see me clearer and its saved my life. I thought it might help. Im sorry if you felt insulted or offended.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 13th of September 2014 02:42:27 PM

I guess I am just confused. And angry. And disappointed. And tired. thanks for the reply.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a bitch of a disease when untreated. Drinking or not, your AH is untreated so I would figure a huge percentage of your interactions with him are going to leave you scratching your head going "What the?!" Support is always here. I suspect under your anger at him is a large amount of grief and sadness. Not trying to take your inventory too much, but I do know that for me, the anger went for a while and then I got hit with a lot of sadness...like "oh my god..it's really over. He really is not going to change the way I want EVER." I wanted to stay mad because that hurt less than really letting go...especially after trying so hard for so long.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you pink i needed to read that. That is how i feel great anger and
Rage at my dry ah. He was not who i thought he was and he has been
treating me real bad for quite a few years.

He got worse after attending AA, his emotions just came boiling out in
A very negative way toward me. He still has tons of issues to face before
He is really emotionally sober.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes PC you are right. It's easier for me to try and get along with him because it's too exhausting to argue all the time. Today he was apologizing for last night. I had a rough day at work so I just came home to my own place and had some peace and quiet. He asked me to dinner again and I said I was too tired. I just want to be neutral with him and get along for my sanity. And for my daughter's sake.
A realtionship shouldn't be so exhausting. I am understanding that now. I've just been used to chaos. :(

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just becuz the disease invites us to their party does not mean we have to attend.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you went home and said no to more of the disease's persistence and yes to peace and serenity. Recognizing that it is exhausting to interact with it is a good thing. Refusing to engage, good program.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.