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I have been contemplating posting today. I am worried about my adult Son having to deal with my AH. He seems so sad and I know I cannot 'fix' his sadness. My AH did it again last night. He was suppose to go to grandson's football game. He was told several times of the time and place. He chose to do something else instead. I was very upset with him for letting our son and grandson down By not showing up. I was there but grandpas are suppose to be connected more to sports. I texted him that he was letting family down. He responded F ... K it! My Son just said F ..k him. I wish he wasn't hurting so much. I'm afraid this disease is affecting him so badly.
It is sad. I understand not wanting your son or grandson to feel the disappointment of having a Dad/granddad they can't count on to keep his word. His attitude towards it all - typical rebellious teen attitude to me. Can't make a teen grow up any faster than they do and certainly can't make an adult A act like an adult. The good news is that you were there.
I'm so glad you were able to go to the football game. My son doesn't have a grandfather on one side, so he loves it when Grandma shows up for his cross country meets.
From the sounds of that response, it's not even worth texting him again. Got no good response from him, and everyone else is now riled up. Debilyn can probably tell you it's like mud wrestling a pig, he wins, gets to stay in the slop, and you get pissed off and muddy.
Get to some F2F meetings, get a sponsor, when your son sees your attitude changed, he may ask you what happened, and you can tell him all about it. "Changed attitudes can aid recovery" Yours and son's.
Yes I went to 2 f2f meetings this week. It was before incident though. I wish I could get son to go to Al-anon meeting. He might begin to understand more. Thank you for support.
Keep working your program, feeling and accepting your feelings and let be what will be. It is sad and it is hard, yet we don't know what God really has planned for the loved ones in our life/why they need to experience what they experience. Take care of you
Im sorry your son is hurting. I can relate to that let down feeling, its a common feeling when you live with an alcoholic.i learned that alcoholics often cant take part In the normal aspects like sports and grandkids. Their disease means they dont have it in them to be the family man we think they should be, well not while they are active in their drinking. The constant disappointment and frustration within me while trying to bring children up with an alcoholic husband meant I spent a lot of hours wasted on if onlys.
I learned that having serenity means taking charge of my feelings and deciding what, if anything gets in to annoy or disappoint me. The power is and always was in my power, it never was in his.
Setting appropriate expectations, meaning I wouldnt expect a 5 year old to change the tyres on my car, thats ridiculous, well so is expecting an active alcoholic to behave in a reasonable thoughtful mature caring manner. It is like going to the hardware store for bread and thats our own problem to work through.
One thing i have learned through having alcoholism in my life is that what others think of me doesnt matter. Having this fixed idea of what mothers, fathers, grandpa's, grandma's ect are supposed to do, behave in a socially exceptable manner or my own interpretation of these roles kept me trapped for a long time. Im much more free now because these roles have no real fixed ways of being. Its ok for the granma to be the one watching the sports. I was the mother watching the sports, all the while resenting it because I saw it as his job when I could have been enjoying it, even glad in a way to get that opportunity to experience it. It wasnt him who ruined that for me that was all me and it was all unnecessary. He never had it to give.
Alanon taught me to let go of unrealistic expectations, we cant always get what we want but we can appreciate what we have despite it. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Your son isn't obligated to go to alanon. You have chosen alanon to keep you sane and you are dealing with the A more. If your AH ruins relationships with others, that is not your fault or even your business persay. You can tell your son alanon helps you, but he isn't obligated to understand any more or do anything unless he wants. Ultimately, having alcoholism doesn't make up for being a bad father or grandfather...even if you do understand the disease...
My AH hasn't been to my son's tennis tournaments in 4 years now; he makes every excuse in the book. I stopped asking and my son stopped caring a long time ago if his father came or not. Yes, the disease is sad but it's not just A's who do this. My son has a tennis friend whose dad (not an A) doesn't even ask how the tournament went nor has he even attended the tournaments( he also doesn't go to their daughter's fencing matches either, so it's not just about the boy), etc. At least when we get home my AH asks son how things went. Every family dynamic is different and my heart goes out to those who are affected by dysfunction of any kind. I can only do the best I can for me and for my son, I can't change my AH or force him to participate in things that he doesn't want to participate in.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Elcee I agree that I've spent a lot of time on 'if only'. Wow how this is so like I feel.. I truly need serenity.
Pinkchip i do understand that my Son is in charge of going to Al-anon or not. I have told him about me going. I just want to give him advice about trying to understand better. I can only offer advice to my children so they can better survive this disease.
Andromeda I just need to get to a place of acceptance. He is in charge of his own decisions. Too bad my Son and Grandson has to get caught up in his decision to help others instead of being a part of our family.
I just got back from seeing my counselor. He agrees with you all in that I need to go on with my life without counting on him participating. Too sad to contemplate. I am angry now about his lack of wanting us in his life. Others seem to be his focus.
It is sad, no doubt about that and I got so angry, the anger passed though when I stopped seeing it as a personal rejection of me and my children. Its reality and themselves they are rejecting, in my experience. I understand how you feel. Alanon was my answer to get rid of the pain of this.x
The family of alcoholics learn to deal with disappointment, sadly what makes it harder is we keep "hoping" this time will be different, yet the same sad scenarios keep repeating. You will never be able to force/guilt/bribe/badger/beg/pressure or influence grandpa into doing anything, what is important to you, your son and grandson isn't as important as alcohol is to grandpa. Yes it's sad and frustrating, but it's the reality of life with an alcoholic.
The only control you or your son have is how you react, you can make grandpa aware of the game but that's it, if he shows great, if not that's on him. Don't waste your energy watching the parking lot for his car, don't make excuses to the grandson why he's not there, don't keep calling or texting to see if he's on the way.
I am new to Al-Anon but one of the lessons I am learning (after a lifetime of dealing with alcoholics) is "I" have absolutely no control over the alcoholics choices. Being angry/frustrated/disappointed over the alcoholic doesn't affect or change the alcoholic one bit, those feelings only affect me.
Honestly I am not to the point of offering any prudent advise to help you other than to remind you it's not "grandpa" skipping the game, it's the monster of alcohol that has invaded his brain and doing his thinking for him.
Thank you Cooper you are so right. It is the MONSTER not grandpa. I am having a hard time with this monster. I don't like him one single bit. I want loving, involved, considerate, dedicated grandpa back.
((Hulilbee)) I can relate! The disease progresses and effects everyone in contact and I'm so sorry you, your son, and your grandson were disappointed. The 12 steps helps cope with these disappointments; we can individually choose to practice them and improve our own circumstances. Although there are no guarantees, I have noticed that sometimes my working my 12 steps has served as a role model for my daughter.
Thanks Bud, I was thinking the same thing that maybe it would help my children to see me strong and taking care of myself. I just wish I could be that strong confident person that they want me to be. Little do they know I was this mess when they were small growing up in the alcoholic nightmare. I have resorted back to that scared, unsure, person that I was then. This disease is truly a family disease.
You can only be the best you can be at any given time. We can't live according to other people's expectations just like they can't live according to ours. Be gentle with yourself as you are today and keep working the program for you. I experienced feeling scared and unsure of myself when my son was presenting as a full-fledged alcoholic because how to deal with an alcoholic son was new to my experience as a Mom. Al-Anon and a good therapist helped me make it through some really difficult years.
