The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi again-I was thinking this morning how much respect and admiration I had towards my (not yet) spouse when we met almost 23 yrs ago. I remember telling my mother I met "someone of quality." This person was (is) a gifted musician and taught children and loved it. I saw no signs of addiction and thought I had arrived. My previous husband, and 3 boyfriends inbetween, all had addiction. I thought I had this down now. I was doing it right. Then the food addiction showed up, and for the last 9 yrs, alcohol, lying, and some gambling. I think I was in denial for years because I wanted my perfect partner back. At this point, almost all my respect for my A is gone. I get it's an illness and I am powerless over other's behavior, etc. But people need to earn my respect and my A is lost, on a path of self-destruction. All is not lost however. My respect is gone for my A. My respect for myself is alive and well and growing everyday. Lyne
I get this. I put my husband on such a high pedestal when we met and for years really. He seemed strong and brave and an alpha male type guy, I felt safe with him at first. I was terrified for years that he would leave me, so weird when I think of that.
His disease took away my respect for him, I find it hard to see his strengths and I have struggled for a good many years now. Its my memory that I dont use properly because when I think of something from the past I can mull over his drunken antics and focus on his shortcomings when the truth is he has strengths. The more I practice forgiveness the easier it becomes to see him as a flawed human like I am and similar in many ways. It was hard for me to forgive but it came with accepting people are flawed and I could lookfor anyones shortcomings and see them, its a choice. I want to see people for the good and bad and be able to acceot them as I accept myself but I do struggle with acceptance and intolerance and self rightousness are still there within me. So until my hp takes them when im ready I just need to remeber that for every one finger I point at someone elses shortcomings then 3 more point back at me.
I can relate and definitely agree that respect must be earned and once it's lost, it's right up there with trust in my book: requires time to earn back. A few short weeks ago I absolutely could not separate the man from the disease, and I'd lost all confidence that there was a decent person tucked in there anywhere. He took off late one Saturday night and I had no idea where he was and couldn't reach him for 2 days, when he suddenly showed up at home in a rage to get his clothes and tell me he wouldn't be around for a couple of weeks. I didn't say much, just stood out of his way, but I did stay calm and that was huge for me. A few hours later he decided he was coming home and "we" were going to work this out.
We'll I can't work out the garbage in his head, but I've learned that if stay calm and stay out of the way, he might come around. After that he developed a trace of humility and was actually a decent person for about a week. I suddenly remembered what I saw in him when we were dating.
I don't respect him and I definitely don't trust him. In fact I'm still quite disillusioned as I am coming to terms with what he really is. I'm very hurt by his actions and I still take much of his behavior personally. I'm angry with myself for marrying another alcoholic and being too....naive? Trusting?
I have begun taking steps to protect myself. I have started working more, am building a great rapport with my employer and am putting money away, and also bought a reliable vehicle (I didn't have this when he disappeared, and was also left without a way to get to work! Not going to let that happen again.)
I told him that next time he decides to leave, he should stay gone. And I do mean it. I had high hopes for this marriage but the longer I stay in denial the longer my own road to contentment. It's been very trying, but I've actually been able to apply what I'm learning in al anon, and it's making me stronger. Not the kind of strong I'd hoped to have to be, but as life changes and reality becomes clearer, it's the best thing to force myself to do. I cry less and less, and his behavior affects me less and less. I believe he can change, but I'm not holding my breath.
If some day he earns my trust and respect again I will embrace it and be glad. Meantime, as you said. Self respect is available to us, and there are a lot of amazing people that we CAN surround ourselves with to help us get through the toughest days of this disease.
I'm just starting this journey so it's hard for me to even consider forgiveness for how my AH has ruined our relationship and deprived my kids of a functioning, engaging father. When he is at home he's drinking. I don't let him drink in the house so he sits in his shop. If the kids want to talk to him, they have to go out there because he won't come in the house because he can't drink in here. I'm over being angry and I'm over being hurt. I have no respect for him in any facet of his life. Yes, he works hard but at the sacrifice of family time. Yes, he's a good provider, but money hasn't bought us happiness in any shape or form. He's a Workaholic as well as an alcoholic and both are diversions for other things in his past. He's a narcissist and doesn't care about my feelings or our kids. You just can't respect someone who is so selfish and self centered, I don't care what his disease is.
The one thing I have learned to respect out of this mess is long engagements and taking the time to get to know your boyfriends family before you walk down that aisle. If I had realized how dysfunctional my A family is, I would have been running the opposite direction. I fell in love with a kind and gentle man who liked to do many of the activities I enjoy, only to have him turn into his father as time went by. I saw the big red flags of alcoholism and dysfunction when we spent time with his family after we got mArried. If only I knew then what I know now.
I have pounded this into my kids though. That they really need to date someone for 3 or 4 years and vacation with their family so they know what they're getting into.
