My buttons have been well and truly pushed. - Al-Anon Family Group

singingnick377 · Member

My buttons have been well and truly pushed.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Nicola))) First things first - Happy Birthday! Secondly, I was grieved to read that you have lost a brother to suicide. Thirdly, saying what you mean and asking for what you wanted from your Mom - good stuff. Unfortunately, she is deeply affected by the disease and cannot respond to you in ways that would honor you and help you know you are cherished by her. I was not allowed my own voice in my FOO either. I had to think, feel and behave as if I was my Mom's clone. I loved her and longed for a closer relationship to her but probably unconsciously, my Mom was competing with me. She was an untreated ACOA and doing the best she could with many talents and much wisdom to share but she didn't like me and didn't take the time to truly understand me for reasons of her own. I was fortunate in that a woman about my Mom's age stepped up to the plate to do what my Mom couldn't or wouldn't do for me. She nurtured me as I nurtured my own children to the best of my ability. I can't imagine calling my own daughter the names your Mom called you for speaking your mind and yet there have been times when my being there for my daughter came up short for her, too. I do hope you are blessed with a woman who can mentor and nurture you in ways your Mom isn't and wasn't able to do - maybe an Al-Anon sponsor? You are slowly coming into your own and that question: "Who do you think you are" will be answered beautifully by you as you continue to work the program and find people who can give you healthy feedback and cherish you for you and not for what you do.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Nicola (a beautiful name), happy birthday. I felt sad reading your post, sad for your pain and grief. It took courage speaking up to your mom and it was a loving act on your behalf. I am glad you found MIP and al anon, places where you can speak freely and be supported by people that understand.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Nicola, you did what you felt was healthy for YOU and that was what mattered. I grew up in alcoholism where my dad was the alcoholic, too, and my mom was just not there for us. She was battling her own demons and not dealing well, even though she looked super perfect to the outside world. Luckily, we were able to repair our relationship as adults.

I'm sorry for your losses, life is never easy but throwing alcoholism into the mix makes things exponentially more difficult even after we have lots of recovery. I pray that you have a fulfilling and beautiful day today! Sending you lots of virtual hugs and peace.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you in an acoa group?

I am sad you are in pain. Loss is the worst feeling.

I know for me when I forgive someone it helps me so much. I hope you can forgive your mother for you.

As far as serenity, for me it is my foundation. Things can be the worst but that foundation is always there. One can be serene thru most things if they cling to HP. He is my rock.

glad you shared. Now what would make ya feel better? a new pretty nightgown, a soft blanket? a feather bed? flowers, candy, go give to someone else.

I do know when I give to others that makes me happy! hugs honey,debilyn who knows her serenity is always there....

please remind me of this when I feel down! (c:

deacon · Senior Member

Nicola, what you want and should have had is a warm and loving mom. What you have is a flawed human being who hides behind a pretense so she does not have to self examine. My sister believed to my dad's dying day that he would change and become the father she wanted him to be. He never did and he was a constant source of disappointment to her. We all saw how this adversely affected her life- the rest of us saw his limitations ( and they were many) and accepted that we could not change him. We also stopped his manipulations in pitting one against the others . You are in the process of acceptance by establishing boundaries and distance and good for you. Wish my sister had been so wise.

singingnick377 · Member

Hi,

Thanks for your sharing and taking the time to send something to me. It really helps to hear other people's experiences. I am glad you found someone to support and nurture you. My mother was and is unfortunately not able to do it and I know that. She is just not capable because of her own story so I look to others to support me. My grandmother was wonderful. She really spent time with me as a child and I was very close to her but she died when I was 13. I have had to nurture myself really and I get tired of it sometimes. Always being strong, making decisions for myself but I have a good set of friends now who do nourish me. I was married at one point and even though it didn't work with my husband I had 11 years experiencing his mother who taught me a lot. She was a wonderfully giving lady who showed me a lot of love. I really learnt from her how to care for others as she was always interested in what I was doing. When I left, I missed her more than her son. I do feel sad that I will never know what it's like to have parents even though I have them. I see friends with their parents and sometimes it breaks my heart because I see the things I wish I had had.

Anyway, I keep going. I don't have a sponsor. There are not many meetings in Antwerp, and the ones that are are in Dutch. I can speak it but this stuff is so personal that I don't want to do it in Dutch. I think it might be good to get a sponsor but I'm not sure where to look. Time for HP to help I think.

It was actually my birthday a few weeks ago but my brothers today. I made the mistake of thinking my mother once hearing what I had said about wanting a personal happy birthday would maybe do it for my brother, but she did exactly the same for him. God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change. On my mothers birthday earlier this year I flew over to see her and my sister in law also visiting so I could see everyone and spend time with my nieces and nephews. I am proud, because I do good healthy things for myself. Tomorrow for the anniversary of my brothers death I am having some lunch with some friends who know the situation and my good friends who are away are on call should I need them.

I am glad I have found this website. I hadn't done any al anon or ACA stuff for a while and coming back to this has brought me back to the programme and the need to keep working it.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy brother's birthday Nicola, and happy late birthday to you. I hope everything is going well in Antwerp, I've never been, but have been to Amsterdam a few times and yes, it is beautiful! I tried to take dance lessons when I lived in Germany once. I had lived there about a year and I knew just enough German to be able to tell kinda what she wanted us to do in some new step, but I couldn't even begin to tell the moves to my wife, who had just moved there. So I feel for you trying to do this in a foreign language. I couldn't imagine expressing some of these feelings in any but my native tongue. I'm sure HP will come up with some solution for you. Probably MIP is part of that, I'm glad you are here!

One of the best things I ever read on here, I don't remember where, but it went something like this: it's no wonder your family of origin is so good at pushing your buttons, after all, they installed them! Part of our mission is to figure out how to uninstall those buttons.

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.