Two faces of the disease - Al-Anon Family Group

hdftby100 · Senior Member

Two faces of the disease

deacon · Senior Member

You have this board and its wonderful, caring people to talk to. People who listen without judging and understand as no one else can. Boy can I understand the anger and the deep sadness you feel. However I do think you need to talk to someone face to face. Don't know if it is your son or daughter who is the parent of your beloved grandson but maybe it is time to talk to your child. You might be surprised that they are not and realize your wife's drinking problem. God bless!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi hd
Welcome back! there are online meetings here if you want to try, and there is the forum here as well. Keep coming back, it sounds like you are keeping yourself isolated and the disease feeds off that as much as anything else you cited in your post.

I look forward to hearing more from you!
Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

hdftby100: Run, don't walk to the nearest Al-Anon meeting and stay there, brother. You aren't getting by, you are doing what you said - you're deteriorating. If you don't want to go to a face to face meeting for awhile, we do have on-line meetings here twice a day although with your wife at home, you might find it distracting? You can find the help you need and you will feel hope again.

No, you didn't cause the disease nor can you control it or cure it in her, but you can get help for your sadness, your despair and your frustration. I cried, too. I cried a lot. It was good to let some of the built up emotions out in my tears. I didn't feel like I fit in at first either, but the more I stayed, the more comfortable I felt and the more at home I became. Sometimes, I've heard male members feeling uncertain about being in a room that is often populated by women. Later, other men join them and all the men say how glad they are that they came to Al-Anon and kept on coming.

I also understand you not wanting your grandchild to be exposed to this disease. Unfortunately, although we can minimize some of their contact with the alcoholic, we can't protect them totally from the affects of the disease. Our going to Al-Anon helps us be better parents and better grandparents because we get the support we need while we receive the education we need, too. In my groups, there are many grandparents there who love their grandchildren as you do. You may find a supportive environment with other grandparents, too?

I am so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. Many prayers for you, your grandson, your wife and the rest of your family. Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your pain, too. Men telling other men the truth about their lives is such a great service work.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

H...Welcome back. Remember, inappropriate guilt is one way we are affected as persons in relationships with alcoholics. Feeling guilty or bad for crying in front of your grandson is not reasonable. It was not wrong, bad, or a mistake. You were sad. You had a reason and it's okay to cry. I don't think that's a bad message at all. Plus it's way better than families that just try to normalize alcoholism and leave kids all confused. Also, it's never too late to renew your Alanon program. It was good you reached out here again. Yours was a human reaction. She was the one getting her drink on while looking after a 3 year old yet you feel so bad? Not encouraging being angry at your wife but putting the disease in perspective...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((("Pop pop"))))) that is very close to my own story. I know what the sense of hopelessness and powerlessness feels like, sounds like, tastes like, smells like and all of the other likes. I came thru the doors of Al-Anon twice myself only the second time I was led there by my HP after calling out for emergency help from Suicide Prevention and Help in Emotional Problems. They were not able to come to talk with me and then I got a live voice on the Al-Anon hotline and came back into the program. Part of what I heard the second time around was "Listen to the similarities" between my story and those who were sharing about their own in the rooms and when I was able to do that I knew they knew where I was at and I knew they understood much more than I could.

Go back to the rooms and listen for the similarities between what the others are sharing and where you are coming from. It will make a difference. I never learned I could cry until I got to Al-Anon. Keep coming back smile

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Hi hd. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I can relate to some of what you're saying. My A wife also rarely gets fall-down drunk...just intoxicated. Almost daily. Some people have to deal with overtly aggressive alcoholics and while that's a terrible thing in it's own right, the alcoholic that seems to "walk the line" of alcoholism can be truly maddening. When our own mind is already confused about the information coming in, it makes us that much easier to be manipulated by our alcoholic. I feel your pain in that regard my friend.

I also agree with the other posters...there's no substitute for a real meeting. I spent months in individual therapy that only got me so far, but going to a meeting is what broke through for me. It can be especially difficult for a man to go...we live in a society where men are taught to hide our emotions so we don't look weak, handle our affairs alone, and "man up" for just about anything life throws at us. It's all rubbish. The people in those rooms know you, and they already love you. There's strength in there. And I know this might sound crazy...heck as the father of a 3 year old and 1 year old myself I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe your grandson's exposure to the disease can be a positive thing in his life. Maybe it will introduce him to a facet of humanity that will make him a stronger man someday because of the experience. Or maybe not. Who knows?

But I'm surprised I can even see the possibility of a silver lining since it was only two months ago I was a sobbing mess myself. Like you, slowly deteriorating. Like you, isolated from friends and family and feeling utterly alone. Like you, feeling trapped and hopeless. God help me I even fantasized about my wife getting in a car accident to get me and my kids out of the mess we're in. Al Anon is showing me a different way out. I haven't figured out how to let go and embrace it fully yet, but that's okay. You didn't feel like you fit in before and that's okay too, and totally normal. One step at a time, one day at a time. I hope you give the meetings another shot...alcoholism is just too difficult an opponent for anyone to take on alone.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are back.

It's so sad knowing how much you love her, but are seeing her destroyed by her disease. Also sad your g son saw this.

She is going to do what she is. We need to learn to stop taking it personal and get into our own lives.

I loved my AH so very much. I know how you feel hon, he was so close to his grandson, but then when he relapsed after brain surgery, all that love went away.

Keep coming we care and want to hear from you. hugs

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.