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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> my first post - story of my life and my mistakes
Post Info TOPIC: my first post - story of my life and my mistakes
phiphi


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my first post - story of my life and my mistakes
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Dear MIP members,

How  good it feels to find someone else too is going through what I m. I live in a remote place where there is no organized AA or al-anon meets. So finding you all is such help to me.

I am a married  with four lovely children , three of them in their teens. Fortunately, my teens do not give me any problems as much as my alcoholic husband has.

The last 16 years of my marriage, my husband has been drinking daily after work to unwind. He usually has a can of beer. There were few problems off and on, but the home atmosphere has mostly  been peaceful (also because I am a  v.v.patient person). But recently there were certain things that happened at home that forced me to have a hard look at my life, my family and my husbands drinking habit. And now I realised how foolish I have been all these years.

First mistake I tried to hide his drinking problem from those who cared. Sometimes, I covered up for him like when he would be stinking of beer or having a hangover, Id keep away visitors!

Second mistake I tolerated every bad behaviour of his. And so by the end of 16 years, he would get away with shouting Useless woman or u r a failure in life or I wish I had never married you.

Third mistake I believed all that he said. That it was okay if he felt up some bar girl, it wasnt sex. That I should not get upset when he shouts at me that would amount to self pity. And so many other lies.

Now I realize all the peaceful atmosphere at home was just a farce- it was only a volcano about to blow up  a lava of bitternes and suppressed anger. Finally the inevitable happened a showdown with my husband. I told him I was leaving if he was to continue mentally abusing me, disregarding the sanctity of our marriage and my feelings.

He has toned down his angry outbursts and night outs since then but has since been trying to drown his hurt  and anger in his drinking. Sometimes, when he gets some clear thinking, he drinks just half a can of beer a day and convinces himself that there is actually no problem with drinking.

And this is what makes me even sadder. For as long as he thinks he can control his drinking and his anger, he will never reach out for help. As long as he is not accepting responsibility for his behaviour (he blames me for breaking the family peace), he will not change.

But I have decided to change my life and the way I have been fighting the scourge of alcoholism. That is why I have reached out to friends and family for help and to you all here at al-anon for your help too. Reaching out has been such a liberating experience, I feel as if half my problems are over. But I know the reality this life with alcoholism is shorn with problems, its never going to be easy and worst of all my children may pay for this later in their adult life. My deepest desire is that  they will not have to bear the consequences of their parents  mistakes. Is there a way out?  

 

Thank you all for hearing me out. 



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grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello. Welcome to MIP. Thank you for your honest share and trust in us. As to your question: Is there a way out? Well, I don't think there really is a way out of it and there is a way through it. I understand you can't attend meetings where you live and we do have on-line meetings here twice a day. The information appears at the top of the board. The World Service Office of Al-Anon also has on-line literature - both free and for low cost - that can be downloaded and printed or purchased and mailed to you.

I can understand the denial you have experienced. Once the denial starts to slip and we begin to get a glimpse of our true thoughts and feelings in relationship to our loved one it is my opinion that we've become strong enough to deal with the reality of our lives in ways that won't be easy in Al-Anon and will make a positive difference for you even if he continues to drink.

Keep coming back. Glad you're here.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of September 2014 07:11:11 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP!  I support all that grateful has shared.  Your recovery is most important so you have a chance to live your life the way it was intended to be lived.  Staying all tangled up in another is the opposite of what our life is intended to be.  Hugs



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Paula
singingnick377


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Hello,

 

Thanks for your nice long share and sharing your story. It helps when I share just to get it off my chest and know that others will understand how I am feeling and that I am not alone. I can only imagine it must feel hard now but if you work the program for yourself it will really help you to know the right things to do for yourself and your family. The realisation of the real situation will only lead to better things for yourself even though when in it it feels very hard. 

I am not married but I was. It was my father who was the alcoholic and I only realised about 3 years after I left my husband when I went to al anon that he had been alcoholic. I didn't have children thankfully so I just walked out and left him. He was drinking every night because he was so stressed with work (he said) and I was getting called a 'cunt, being told 'I was nothing special' and 'look at me, I'm stuck with you now'. I know I had a higher power at that point but wasn't aware of it and I just thought this is not right for me. I deserve better so after 11 years of being together I left. I will never let somebody abuse me like that again. I will always prefer being single to dealing with that kind of abuse, which was an extension of what my father and mother had said to me as a child. At least now after working the programme I love myself so much more and will not accept his kind of a busy in my life. What I love about al anon is that once I started the process of having the courage to change, it was like a carpet being rolled out in front of me of what was the right thing to do for myself and with the help of the meetings I found a safe place to be who I wanted to be without being judged I could say whatever I needed to say and every emotion and thought was valid and worthy of something. I owe a lot to al anon and the fellowship of the programme. My higher power hasn't give me anything I can't deal with even though at times it has felt very hard but I wouldn't change my moment of realisation for anything. Good luck with everything. 



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Nicola Mills
cloudyskies


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi phiphi and welcome to MIP. You are among wonderful supportive friends here. I understand your denial, as I lived it for years. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that progresses with time and it affects everyone it touches. Your awareness is your first step to your recovery. If it isn't impossible to attend face to face meetings, then please try to attend the online meetings here. I also support everything grateful said. The more you know about alcoholism and how it effects you, the stronger you will get.smile

Thank you for sharing and please know that you are not alone.

keep coming back.

((hugs))



-- Edited by cloudyskies on Wednesday 10th of September 2014 03:01:43 PM

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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-
phiphi


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Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
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Thank you everyone for your warm welcome and encouragement. It is so heart warming to know someone truly understands my situation. I look forward to more time here at MIP. Thank you reminding me that I have to live my life for myself and not for my A. By the way I learnt recently about codependency and everytime i read about it i go "Wow, that is me!". I never realised until recently how much I am also contributing (am using the present tense bec. I still am codependent) to my own misery. I also did some soul searching and I realised in many ways I too have been abusive and angry, but in a less aggressive, "hidden" manner and this may also have aggravated my problems. I have also shared this with my Ahusband and told him I was sorry about my past behaviour and was going to change that. Whether my AH changes his behaviour or not, I have decided I am going to root out all that is not right in my life (with the help of a higher power) and face the rest of my life with "a new heart and a new mind". I am still discovering this new life. Is MIP the right place for me to be? Should I also look for help elsewhere ? Thanks once again.

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