The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, I spent some time in one of my favorite places in the City. A gal who I had been close to several years ago was in the same place. We'd had not so much a falling out but a parting of the ways when her behavior changed in ways towards me that I simply couldn't understand. We'd known each other for so long and she surprised me. I looked for my part in the change. I looked for what I might have done that had contributed to her negative behavior when with me. I asked my HP to reveal to me what I might be missing. My self doubt was all over the place for a bit. I called to talk my experience in relationship to her over with her. And.....I couldn't come up with one thing that might have resulted in her behavior's changes that had anything to do with me. I still wasn't sure about that though. I know I'm human. I know I'm capable of saying things that can put somebody off at times.
After the reason for which we were both in the same place ended, I sat quietly in the space as others left the room. I had no desire to reach out to her although I knew she was there about several rows over and away from where I was sitting. As I sat quietly minding my own business, I felt the presence of someone behind me and then saw her standing at the end of the row where I was in solitude. She had a big smile on her face and opened her arms for me to hug her as she shared how often she thought about me and was so glad to see me. She then invited me outside the space to visit with her for a bit. In the sharing, I learned things about her that I didn't know. I also learned that her behavior truly wasn't ever about me.
I thought about our QTIP suggestion and how helpful it can be to utilize it - especially in situations when a loved one's behavior changes and we simply can't put a finger on what our part might be in relationship to the change within the relationship - no matter how long we've known someone and no matter how much we've shared together.
Although I've given up trying to read other people's minds most of the time, I can still be turned upside down when a person I've been friends with for years suddenly seems distant, cold, irritable, neglectful and short-tempered. Remembering that other people's thoughts, feelings, opinions and behaviors are about them and not me is an area I've made progress in and yet today's meeting with this gal showed me I have a ways to go.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 02:33:35 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 02:37:43 PM
Thank you for your share. It was good to hear that. I was always taught from my alcoholic father that if someone upset you you would never speak to them again and I've learnt over time that it's ok to not have the same opinions all the time and know that that's ok and not a reason to reject each other. I have had to let some friends go over the years because of imbalances in relationships. I was doing my usual giving and giving and ended up exhausted but it hurt very much to let people go who were no longer helping me to grow and my mind would analyse every single thing that had happened, going over conversations I wanted to have with them that would never happen. I am learning over time to speak my truth with people and know the people who are for me will stick by me. I like al anon so much because it helps me to have a healthier relationship with myself and then with others. Thanks again.
Thanks so much for this topic. I've had the experience too. Seems natural to wonder what's happened to your friendship. I've used the slogan let it begin with me to reach out but sometimes there hasn't been a response and I've had to let go and leave it in hp's hands. It's nice when people come full circle and are willing to talk it out with you. Sometimes it has to do with us but often it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with things going on within themselves or in their lives. It nice that this had a good outcome. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks, all. There is a reading in what I think is Courage to Change that I'll paraphrase here: "All I need to know will come to me without any effort on my part." At some point in the baffling changes that were displayed in her, this reading helped me simply let go and let be. I love that sentence and it has helped me in so many different experiences when I just didn't have a clue as to what was happening or why. I struggled with the changes and then I didn't and I can thank the program for helping me do what I needed to do at the time and feel the way I did at the time and then let go. There was nothing else I could really sanely do. Working the program can definitely help even in relationships that don't involve someone who is actively drinking.
It is a beautiful truth, isn't it, Paula? Now, if I could simply remember it more often when my need to know gets in the way for me I'd probably be able to experience more of the peace that you are feeling now.
What a great share. It brought back memories of a parting of the ways I had w/ a friend years ago. I won't go into the details but I watched her two children when my son was young and they were like children to me. She did use me and I was warned about it by other friends, but dismissed it because I loved those boys so much. But, there was an incident that was over the top, and something that caused me to end the relationship altogether. Over the years she has found me on FB or some other venue and tried to reconnect, but I just don't want to be her friend; I don't trust her. I have forgiven the wrong, but I don't care to renew such a relationship as she was and still is a user.
I replied to her message and then decided to block her. She contaced my bff and asked, "what's up, I messaged her and then she was gone." My bff called me and asked what happened before she replied to her.
It felt good to make that decision and not let that back into my life. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that the relationship is restored or the right was wronged; I have just released the pain of the wrong.
I have thought about this often too, and do know that I have to remind myself that we are all coming at things from a different angle, I know many many times I have worried unduely, is that a word? I can think of many reasons for this, fear lack of communication, believing and making it all about me!
I really could do with a personal rule book that defines clearly what is? and what is not my responsibility! kind of like a personal life contract!
And? couldn't you just kick yourself when it all comes out in the wash and it really wasn't anything we did didn't do or said, because it wasn't ever about us!
I do this often grateful, I can be so sensitive and think everythings about me. I suppose its part of being affected or maybe even just being human. Im glad you got to reconnect with your friend and its so good that you allowed yourself to quit taking it personally. For me, I can go gungho and jump right in on the defensive and make a mountain out a molehill. I still have some maturity issues, Im so much better but sometimes an idea sticks even if its wrong, it is right in my mind too long until I react then I allow other perspectives in and its amends time. Im grateful the people in my life are patient and dont hold it against me. Im workjng on it.x
Thanks for the share, Catherine.