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I want to thank you for the response I received to my last post. I can not begin to explain how much it helped.
Since my last post, my husband is acting worse. I keep telling him we need to sit down and talk. He keeps avoiding me. I cant stand it when he is using he becomes a different person. I know I should be so proud of myself. I have kept to my boundaries. I do not leave him money. I do not call and ask where he is, or when he is coming home. I do not make sure he is eating like a baby. I do not yell or scream when I know he has used.
I am so disappointed because he was doing great. He was 4 months sober. He was so happy.
I know I have to let the crisis happen. His parents have been very difficult because they do not understand the disease, and are usually enabling him.
Now, I know I cant just sit around and watch him do this, and not take action. I know I have to ask him to leave the house, or for us to separate.
I have been avoiding this for a week now, because I am scared, and I do not feel ready. I am worried because what if he leaves and does not wake up? I have stuck to all my other boundaries and decisions, but this one is just too hard.
I just need all of you're support! I know I can no longer enable him, or help his disease. I have to detach, and allow him to face the crisis awaiting on his own.
There is a suggestion that we follow: When in doubt, don't. If you are scared and don't feel ready to ask him to leave the house, then you aren't ready. I didn't move my x out of the house until it was crystal clear how and when to do it. Until that clarity came, I continued to live my life as it was and did what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children to the best of my ability. As far as his leaving and not waking up - you have no power over what he does or doesn't do. That is in his hands and his HP's hands. You do have power to attend meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps and come back here, too, one day at a time.
Hi Yazzy. I talked with my Al-Anon f2f group about this topic once, and they told me you just know when it's time to go. There won't be any "buts" or "what ifs." Until you get that peace of mind, I would keep going to my f2fmeetings and coming here. Take care of you and keep your focus on you. Like G2B said, "You have no power of what he does or doesn't do", but you do have the power to take care of you.
Keep coming back.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I missed your first post, so forgive me for not knowing the details. From this post, it sounds to me as though you have put some good boundaries in place for you and know that you need support to stay strong, these actions are great. There is uncertainty, which is normal...it will become more and more difficult to maintain those boundaries unless your recovery is worked with everything you have. If daily meetings are the answer, then so be it. Through your recovery, you will know, as the others have aside, when you are ready to take action. If you are not safe, that is a different matter.
By the way, sitting down to talk with an active alcoholic or an A not in recovery, in my experience, is useless. Unless you are ready to deal with lies, manipulating, spell casting, etc etc. If you can say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean, then go for it....have no expectations. Take care of you and leave your husband the dignity to figure this out. Hugs!
I think giving him the dignity to figure out what he is doing on his own is such a great idea. I have been taking care of him for so long I no longer feel I have a husband. I feel I have a child, and it's not fair to him for me to keep taking care of him.
I'm having a huge problem with his parents. They are in complete denial, and every single time he went into treatment, and told them he was fine before completing it, they told him three was no problem for him to come out.
They are also In Denial that he has relapsed. Every time we discuss it I end up arguing with them. What should I do about them .
My husband has been gone for three days. I know he is sleeping over his cousins house whose husband is am addict as well. I am trying as hard as I can to focus in myself and my recovery. His parents are a huge problem and they are constantly enabling him.
They are his parents. You don't need to do anything about them. If you split and they enable him for the rest of his life...that is not your problem. If he never gets sober, that is also not your problem. It will be sad and a tragedy, but this is part of the Alanon program. The alcoholic/addict has you believing you are their only shot at healing, that they need your support to get better, that they will just die without you. That is BS and even if it was the case, it would be the drugs that killed him not you and your decision to be healthy and free. If you move on from him, move on from his sick parents too. Sounds like you are recognizing some need to detach from all of it.
Were it me, I would either say nothing to his parents and just do what I needed to do or I would tell them "You can choose to believe what he tells you but I know what I am experiencing and its not something I'm going to argue with. This is what I am doing for me (insert choice)" and then they can respond to him, help him, enabling him however they do...that's on them.
You are not responsible for his relapses, his getting worse, better, or his screwy parents. LET GO
You are worried about what bad things might happen if you were no longer around to save him but keep in mind that your being around assures him that "It's not that bad, 'cause she's still here." You might be keeping him from hitting his bottom. Not that you should leave in an attempt to make him hit his bottom. You should leave or stay based on what's right for you. But don't be influenced by thinking that your staying is keeping bad things from happening. As far as that's concerned, leaving could be more helpful to his recovery than staying. So focus on what's right for you and take care of yourself.
I learned that I was as powerless over family members who thought I was "just wrong" for divorcing my husband and "just wrong and mean" for not bailing my son out of jail. Some of those family members have alcohol problems themselves or are classic codependents not in recovery who actually began to step out of the picture in relationship to my son when they saw all their help (mainly money although one brother gave my son a job) was getting them nowhere. Of course, they wanted me to take him back in since I was his Mom and I didn't and they didn't get it. It didn't matter to me what they got and didn't get. It mattered to me to establish boundaries between me and the disease as it progressed. Not easy. Incredibly painful. Necessary. Talking to folks who don't understand alcoholism and how it affects us or the alcoholic I've learned is like talking to a ball of rubber and asking it to make itself into a tire. Until they recognize they need help themselves, nothing will change on their side of the coin. Your choosing to focus on you and the next right step you can take to save yourself - perfect. The other adults are responsible for themselves.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 01:29:29 PM
Wow. I feel so much better about all this. I was speaking to my husbands sponsor the other day, and he too told me I needed to let go. That I have threatened my husband so many times about leaving he no longer believes any of it.
His parents are just really horrible though. I don't think I have every seen anyone in as much denial as they are in. His mother told me yesterday oh he only used once. Hopefully, he gets it and stops. I told her that if he GOT IT, he would call his sponsor and return to treatment. I know I have to let go, and stay strong. I think its just really sad how little self esteem I have. I keep telling myself I wont find anyone else, or anyone better. I know that's crazy talk because my husband is never even around to begin with. Im still trying to figure out how to detach without being mean or talking down to him.
I appreciate all you're support so very very much!
Aloha Yazzy...the disease of addiction is very very cunning, powerful and baffling and trying to use "good" sense in non-sense situations I have been told is like trying to eat jello with chop sticks and I get the picture of grateful talking to a ball of rubber too...lol. It is that nuts and I did it until I could not do it any longer because I didn't know how and didn't know what I was up against. Like what you are doing now; reaching out and listening, I also had to do this. I was led to the face to face rooms of Al-Anon and found a seat and then just sat and listening with an open mind to those who came before me and learned form those who came before them and who were now passing it on to me. I learned that if I could just do what they did I would have different results which is what I really wanted...different than what I was getting that was making me sick and suicidal. I listened for and watched for the suggestions and then I practiced them. I learned what they knew and practiced that and got outcomes so different and positive that I was not able to do on my own. I learned about alcoholism and drug addiction and came to understand I could no longer live in that world and had to leave it entirely which not only included my alcoholic/addict wife; it also included my family of origin and I wanted to live sanely so badly that I was willing to do that and anything in order to get it. I needed to change me, my thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors so that I could live sanely and peacefully outside of the disease of addiction. I still do it on a daily basis because it is what I know that works. Al-Anon and all of its tools and MIP with all of its love, support and ESH is a huge part of my life now...there is no such thing as not needing to live this way. Keep coming back here and to the face to face meetings...get the literature and practice detachment from the disease and those affected who would draw you back in. If you have a negative reaction from those affected that usually means the disease has got a hold on you and wants you to struggle with it. "No" is a complete sentence...say that inwardly and outwardly...practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back. In support ((((hugs))))
Yazzy - Adults get into relationships KNOWING there are risks - the other person could leave, cheat, become a drunk, pass away...whatever. You may be married and I think that merits making an effort (which you probably have already made 100x over on your end). So, when it comes down to self-preservation over the relationship, it may feel mean, but you might reach a point where you have to do things that feel mean but are really just protecting yourself.
When I left my ex-A, he thought I was being mean, horrible, all sorts of bad things. I'm sure his family agreed....my family did not like him and they were getting more vocal about it. People's parents usually side with them. Truthfully, we were both being mean to each other and ourselves. We were fighting almost daily, the arguments were getting worse, and both of us were bringing the worst out in each other. It was kinder to leave than stay with someone I was almost starting to hate. In fact, I can recall screaming in public once towards the end that I hated him and he ruined my entire life - so loud that someone had to rush me away so I didn't get arrested for disturbing the peace.
Now - I am not specifically talking about leaving - Just giving you my example of putting myself first. As far as the parents go, boundaries and then detaching happen at once. Like "I know you guys love your son and are doing the best you can, but I can't speak with you about his using right now. Click." That is not mean. That is saving your sanity. His parents have an agenda. More like both them and him know that HE is the one that wont find anyone better, so they are going to lie, manipulate, and minimize to keep you with him. There is a term for when the addict or their enablers literally try and tell you that what you are experiencing is not real. I typically don't like this term because people sometimes use it to play victim, but in this instance it does seem clear and applicable. The term is called "Gaslighting" and it mean that the addict, or in this case, their parents will just outright tell you that what you are seeing and experiencing is either exaggerated or flat out not true. It is probably the worst "crazy making" tactic and it does a lot of damage to your psyche. So I'm telling you this so you can protect yourself and find support (like here) and F2F alanon to maintain serenity and calm.
There are so many tools in Alanon and with the 12 steps that can help you. The steps, meetings, having a sponsor, reading literature all work together. I know you are busy holding down the fort and working but, it's worth making time for. It really is.
