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I told him many times but I made it crystal clear on the 30th August that marriage is over, there won't be any more 'last chances', I just CAN'T do this anymore. It is not that I don't even want to have another go, I just CAN'T.
Even though I was convinced it was over, my head played tricks on me and I considered quietly if it was the right decision, while researching my options as a single mum...I nearly convinced myself I was wrong and creating problems where there were none and I should give it another shot but my H managed to make me see that separating is the right thing to do (and apparently he was trying his hardest to make things work), it is just too much to write here right now, but even he can see now there is not other way.
Yesterday night all hell broke loose. Now he wants to separate too but his anger is something I have never seen (from him) before. For a person who talks so much about love, how can he be so nasty? I know he is hurt and I know how it feels to be rejected, but he is solely blaming me for the break up, saying that I am a bad evil person and so on.
Prayers for my daughter please. He told horrible things to her (about me) and she is having a hard time. All I want is for him to leave her alone and deal with me only.
And prayers for him if you can. I pray that he can calm down, think/act rationally, be careful with our daughter and be glad he is free now to seek happiness the way he wants. He is free to find someone who can love him for who he is. He knows I can not love him and he deserves to be loved. I pray that he comes to realise it is not the end of the world and things will get better for everyone involved. I pray that he can manage to be amicable with me for our daughter's sake.
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:06:00 AM
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:07:25 AM
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:09:13 AM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Thanks. I need to write here because I don't keep a journal.
He spent the whole day sending me angry txt messages. I have over 100. He keeps insulting me and wishing bad things on me. I am quiet surprise by the extent of his anger tbh. I know it wouldn't be easy, but we have been talking about relationship not working for so long, I really thought he would accept it better.
And I had a bad divorce is the past...I was younger than my H is now, my xH took me completely by surprise, asked for divorce, shoved a ticket back to Brazil on my face (we were living in Japan), I had to travel on Christmas eve alone, and I took a lot better than my H is taking now. And I was blatantly being cheated on too. But I still had enough respect from myself and my xH to accept. He didn't want me, it hurts, but it is what it is. I know, different personalities and experiences, also there is my child involved now, the emotions are high, but my H is so immature that he is using my child against me. He told her I don't love her and never did. How crazy is it?
I told him after the incident during the holidays that I have had enough. All this time he was still trying being intimate and pretending nothing happened and everything is ok. Yesterday he came drunk and late after promising he would be early and cook dinner. I was fine, I was very calm and happy even, but he caused trouble and suddenly realised there was no coming back...but I have been telling him this since the end of August and was completely clear even, no room for misunderstanding, how come the penny drops so many days later on? All this time we have been meaning to arrange time to seat down and talk, in my mind it was to make a plan so we can live separate and in his mind it was to make up. All I wanted was to have a normal conversation but if he wasn't working he would be drinking at a convenient time to talk and I refused to talk to him under the influence and he respected this until Sunday.
He has been blaming me the whole day, insulting me by txt messages, I don't understand how he is getting away with it at work. He can't see properly, or think rationally. In his mind, he just drinks a couple of beers now and again, and be called a b**** is something so normal that every wife should put up with and I am massive overreacting. After all I made my vows for better and for worse and now I am running away.
I have putting up with this since 2005. He doesn't understand how I feel and why I can't live with him anymore.
He spent nearly 2 hours on the phone with his mum yesterday. I need her to look after my daughter on Sat so I can go to school. Offered to take daughter to hers but she is coming to stay with us instead. Not sure if this is a good idea or not. Hope my HP shows me the best option by Friday so I can change arrangements.
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 8th of September 2014 04:19:11 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
He is trying to make me guilty with the txt messages and he even succeeds sometimes but also his behaviour makes me strong enough to carry on with the separation.
I have a lot of phone calls to do tomorrow. At the same time he says he is moving, he changes his mind and says he isn't and I can go to a shelter with our daughter. And if he doesn't move, that is what I will have to do.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I can relate. Before I told my ex it was over, really over he was drinking daiky, he was unreasonable, abusive at times, chaotic, no physical contact in any way, leading seoerate lives, living apart and even the he acted surprised, couldnt believe it was over, couldnt understand why I was ending it. I was cruel, mean, who did I think I was to decide this without consulting him or warning him. I mean who on earth wohldnt want this amazing relationship? Crazy. He even said if I had told him before that I was thinkjng of ending it he wiuld have changed.lol. right and I was born yesterday.
The end for me wasnt a decision, it was a feeling deep down in my soul. It was just a fact, like other facts like the earth is a sphere. I had no doubts or second thoughts, it just was. Wow, his crazy, non real ego cohld not cope with that. Somewhere In his pea brain he thought we still had a relationship. He tried the guilt, the anger, the shaming me, anything that worked in the past, anything. My suggestion is if your done then make it done as soon as you can. Being around him or trying to have any relationship is too hard especialky for your wee girl, I would tell her that daddy is sick, and everything he says is coming from his sickness. Hes acting like a spoilt child whos been told no for the first time ever and hes throwing a big baby tantrum, your wee girls the main thing here though, I wojld get her out of the line of fire asap.
I spoke to the council today and they can see me only on Monday.
I will get all the paperwork down there and explain my situation and they might be able to help me with some sort of accommodation.
H won't talk to me about anything but throw insults, so I don't know what his plan is or if I should contact our landlord all by myself.
Yes he has been used to getting his way for so long now that he can't just think straight. And for him is a matter of me not honouring the vows just because he drinks few beers now and them and gets a little bit abusive. I am causing the abuse and I make him an abuser. I am destroying my daughter's life because I am breaking up the family but when I point out he is setting her up to be an abuse victim by treating me the way he does and minimizing it, it's my fault as well because I make him abuse me.
I just feel sorry for him and his twisted mind really.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Well, Luiza, you aren't causing the abuse and you didn't make him an abuser. You may also be saving your life and your daughter's life, too. Trying to reason with his disease will probably just wear you out. The disease just wants to keep on doing what it has always done. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. Continuing to do what you need to do for you and for your daughter and getting the attention and interest of outside special helps is more conducive to you being able to protect yourself and your daughter. He can want what he wants and you don't have to argue with it. JADE is an Al-Anon suggestion that might be helpful to you if it feels right? Don't justify, argue, defend or explain yourself and any decisions you are making to the disease. It will simply try to best you in every conversation. This isn't about who is right or wrong. It is about what you can't tolerate anymore and what you see is necessary for you to do to move forward. I do hope you have a safe place to go with your daughter before you meet with the council? A neutral setting like a shelter is set up to protect you better than a family member's or friend's home.
I really don't know what is going on with me right now, I am so mixed up, my feelings are all over the place.
I came here on this board not long ago, full of hate but I can't feel hate towards him anymore. Hate now would be very useful, would be fuel for me to sort this issue faster, I look at him and I feel sorry for him....I fell like reaching out and saying sorry, I feel like giving him the last chance he wanted (I don't even know if he wants anymore) and I feel like believing in everything he is going to say: he won't get drunk again, he won't name call/swear at me again/he will seek help.
Is it love? The love I always thought I didn't feel for him? Why is it coming now? I need anger right now.
I am even thinking that I could have avoid all this if I had detached properly and just accepted the disease. If I hadn't been so angry/cold/unavailable for so long, maybe he could have been better. I am wondering if it is all my fault after all.
I feel like trying to rebuild everything again, despite already telling two friends and my daughter's teacher about what is going on.
I feel so so ashamed of writing this here but I have to, otherwise I will go to him and say all the above.
If I just could be sure he would seek help and work a program and stick to his kind/generous/sweet personality....but I know I can't control this, I can't control HIM.
And I know that maybe this is my disease talking...is it what is called co-dependency?
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Luiza, you sound really confused and panicky. You dont have to make any big declarations when your feeling this way. Maybe you need a wee break from it all. Can you write all this out, fold it up and give it to your higher power then take a bit of time to not think about this. I know its hard but the harder you push for the answers the farther away the truth and the answers get. If you react while feeli g this way you may say things or do things you dont really mean in order to get the short term relief.
If you give in to him, then the next time you tell him its over for you - which would/could happen - then it can be 200 texts and worse because you've taught him you don't mean what you say. What will you rebuild, sister? If he drinks to excess, rages, storms, frightens you and upsets your daughter - what do you think you can rebuild with him who is not working a program, thinks he just drinks a little and only abuses you a little.
Thanks. I made it through the night. Putting my life and the situation in my HP's hand.
Will make lots more of phone calls today specially to Woman's Aid.
I used to post about my marriage and H's behaviour on a parenting forum and people always point me to the direction of Woman's Aid but because he doesn't phisically abuse me I am always reluctant.
I know abuse take many forms, but I am condioned to minimise the abuse I suffer because there are no visible signs.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Your feeling fear in relationship to him can be your intuition saying: "He is not safe for you?" So many folks pointing you to the same organization sounds to me like your HP's instructions to you and the next right step to take for you. I know a woman who was in relationship to an A who she thought would never hurt her. She tried to end the relationship and his disease ramped up. He hit her, stole her car and drug her on the door through a parking lot. Fortunately, it wasn't on a public thoroughfare. I'm fairly certain her intuition had warned her and she ignored it. Following through on getting all the outside help you can get before you make a move is something I see you doing. Dealing with yourself and your life one day at a time might help to quiet down the panic and anxiety you might be feeling because you're trying to see into the future? An assets and gratitude list, the Serenity Prayer, doing at least one fun thing for yourself today, and maybe downloading and printing some of the free literature at our World Service Office of Al-Anon can help you relax a little, too?
