The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I fall and try getting back up. Getting up seems pretty hard, but that is why I'm here.
Divorce is in process.
Soon to be ex mom-in-law, although "well meaning" made a comment I did not feel like hearing today.
It brought up my resentments and again, I do not want to hold any. It's not easy not to....
but I really don't want them so I have to find a way to calm down and change my perspective.
I've been a little more social though. I had been kind of socially awkward the passed 6 or 7 years due to my isolating
from normal society...and going out with an understanding friend has helped, though I still feel a little timid
because I feel some might not understand.
Work is also a tricky place where personalities may clash. A couple of my coworkers don't care much for me and can be outwardly mean sometimes
...so I have to put my sensitivity aside and understand that each pair of eyes sees things in their own way, how they want to....
My job is to change my perspective and own uncomfortable situations like a grain of sand and be cordial anyway.
Single motherhood is not easy. Have supporting relatives. I'm lucky to have a fulltime job where I have summers, holidays, and weekends off....but why do I still feel a tad overwhelmed....like something is missing? I have my spirituality and my "religion" but sometimes I feel so pressed for time. I've seen my psych and have explained these things to her...but I'm so afraid of having a history of inconsistent jobs for the passed 6 years.
However, I feel that if I quit my job, I would feel a great sense of relief, but I remember the feeling of being unemployed as well and it wasn't pretty either.
Then I think of all the debt I've accumulated...finding a solution seems overwhelming at times. I wish I could say "this too shall pass" but :)
The best thing I can do is love myself and acknowledge what I HAVE done right. That I'm strong and resilient, and take ownership of the situation I put myself in.
That I loved with all my heart and fought for a marriage that failed, but at least I know I fought.
Perhaps my story can help someone else. My children are amazing, the people that love me, and my friends in alanon are amazing people.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my rant.
One day at a time. Gratitude for today.
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 7th of September 2014 11:19:35 PM
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 7th of September 2014 11:21:38 PM
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Sunday 7th of September 2014 11:26:18 PM
I didn't see that as a rant at all. Your ESH is clean, very clear for me and I understand it because that is how my own journey has been. Others have had better journeys and still I don't compare and/or judge I accept my own and with gratitude understand that others like yourself have walked it in a similar way...program way. You remind me of some of the lessons I got along the way which were very invaluable. "When in doubt don't" was gold for me because there was so much doubt back then. I could slow down and take better perspectives and then ask the question "what do I want out of this" before moving on to arrive at that. The slogans were and are huge for me...all of them are like light posts on an otherwise dark evening street...I'm grateful for the slogans.
You sound like you have good tools Rose and good experience using them. Practice, Practice, Practice...it is your program and no one else gets to plan your program. I like that because now I arrive at where I was heading without interference by the disease. "Time takes time...take your time" this is now Rose''s time and plan and program.
Go sister...grab your HP's hand and step out. (((((hugs)))))
Good to see you again. Love that beautiful rose. Thank you for the update on your life. Acknowledging that you feel overwhelmed at times and asking for help - good program work. There were times I felt overwhelmed as a single parent, a wage earner, an employee and my issues. A mentor of mine suggested I turn all that was bothering me into my HP's hands and to ask my HP to make everything a positive experience for me. Great wisdom applied that gave me positive results and mitigated my fear. Living life on life's terms and living one day at a time was a big help, too.
Thank you for that Rose - it felt like a heartfelt poem. I'm especially grateful to you for the reminder to acknowledge what I've done that is right, its so easy to forget that sometimes.
I notice now, that what triggered my resentment was knowing about him. And the hard part is admitting my feelings are still there because I think the man I loved is there deep inside. But addict or not, his actions by now...I will not let slide and are as clear as day to me of this other person he's become...and that I have become myself.
What has been helping me before work, is not turning on the radio at all and have complete silence on the ten minute drive to work. I pray profoundly....but I have to be as undistracted as I can, and my day was better today.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it! (and you are worth it)
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Tuesday 9th of September 2014 08:45:22 PM
