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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Staying sober w/o a recovery plan.
Post Info TOPIC: Staying sober w/o a recovery plan.
Temple


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Staying sober w/o a recovery plan.
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I started a new topic because I can't post to an existing thread, for some reason.

I'm married to an Alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in decades.  He got off the stuff without rehab, detox, anything.  We had a period when he was using Listerine by the quart (you don't have to drink it--it absorbs through the tissues in the mouth).  After we got that little aberration taken care of, he hasn't done any more drinking.

So, is he sober?  I'd say he is on a life-long dry drunk.  He never sought recovery because "there isn't anything wrong with him."  He drank too much.  Would black out.  He stopped.  End of problem.  He does identify as an alcoholic.  The Psychologist had him take the test.  He is lucky in that he has no desire to drink.  He can get really hard to live with when he is ingesting too much sugar or even fruit juice.  And he tends to "drink like an alcoholic" as my father described it, with sugary beverages.  

And he isn't as bad as a lot of the people I read about here.  How bad is bad?  He didn't jeopardize his career, didn't run through money, never stayed out nights.  He is still cranky much of the time--can go into rages easily.  Doesn't "remember" conversations.  Projects blame on me for anything he fails to do/screws up/avoids/procrastinates to the point of insanity about.  Manipulates/tries to guilt/obfuscates.  Acts sometimes like a defiant teenager and sometimes like a brain-damaged toddler.

I wouldn't wish someone like him on my dearest enemy.  On the woman who broke up my daughter's marriage (with lots of willing help from her husband)?  Oh, for her I would make an exception.  And she's bought her own particular Hell.  Want to hear a funny?  I was working on forgiveness, and I heard myself say, "And God, please bless Snake B***."  That's our pet name for her.  As is blazingly obvious, I don't have a whole lot of recovery myownself.

To the Original Poster--Good luck!  I think you'll hear that in most people's experience, the chances are pretty slim for the more typical Alcoholic to even be able to lay aside the bottle without Working a really good recovery plan.  As for having any kind of quality of life without seriously working a program/plan , well, even slimmer odds, in my opinion.

Temple

 

 



-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 6th of September 2014 04:24:50 PM

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
Cathyinaz


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Thanks for the post Temple....

My SO is not a alcoholic...hasn't drank, never will but he is just like dry drunk. He is just like your husband my many ways but without the poison. He's on medication now for his rage so that has gone away for the most part but still......

I can only take care of me and make plans for my retirement future. It's up to me.

((( hugs )))



-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Saturday 6th of September 2014 06:57:32 PM

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blessed


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Thank you for sharing, and for your honesty. Isn't is just amazing we can say things like BLESS the snake bitch? lol! But we do and then pat ourselves on the back for being forgiving. The positive I take from that is that the husband didn't sound like a good man anyway, and it is probably best that your daughter was spared from that. Blessings in disquise.

T~



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I've never regretted taking the high road. ~
Debilyn


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Well ya might as well say snake bitch out loud since he knows what you are thinking! lol lol

yep a white knuckle life. how awful. He is fortunate you are there.

All I know is the people who I knew were in recovery and had definite things they wanted to work on, and work toward honestly lived much happier. My own AH said more than once oh he is just not drinking. That it really is not the only answer.

I wonder why you cannot share? Did you restart your computer? Look in all the things on your page where you change avatars and stuff. See if something is checked wrong....

Let me know> I will go to mine and see where you need to look.

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Temple


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Thanks, Debilyn--

Apparently I am allowed to post to my own thread. I know nothing about changing avatars--as you notice I never have had one in the first place. If it weren't for DDH, my lap top would be a little fried mass of metal. I'm so non-techy it's pathetic. I read all of what Cathy posted about her job and it might as well be in Sanskrit. Bless those who can! DDh had a second career in Systems Analysis--self-taught. Even with how much of his brain affected by the 20 years of sporadic bingeing and one of heavy drinking, he's so far ahead of me on stuff like that that I could get to feeling really bad about myself. But no--that's just not my thing. I know a couple of things he doesn't and thank God we're not all the same anyway.

I think God knows what I'm thinking before I do. And anybody in a room with me usually finds out the same moment I do--when I've blurted something out.


Thanks, Blessed--

I wasn't patting myself on the back after that. I just laughed at how far I had Not come. Thankfully, my daughter is more past it all than I am. Somebody hurt My Baby! Two somebodies!
And yes, I knew the day he left that she was better off. AH is an atypical but garden variety A. Hers was disordered, personality-wise. I said that and yet, when AH is on a rage,he acts a lot like a Cluster B Personality Disorder list of symptoms and behaviors. In fact, Cluster B is one of my favorite pet names for him. This I do manage to keep to myself.

DDH was in AA for 6 months--my Psychologist and I coerced him, just to get him clear on Yes, you are that. And I liked the part in the Blue Book--or maybe it was his sponsor--that said you get to have a Higher Power of your own understanding. And I jumped right on that. Mine is very loving and very forgiving. When I grow up I want to be just like him.

Hugs!

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
hotrod


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Dear Temple Thank you for your clarity and honesty. Yes, the "isms" are powerful and even when the drinking stops, they are ever present without a program of recovery.
I am glad you are here and taking care of yourself. Prayers for you an your family . I love the prayer you included for snakeb***. You are a very kind person

ps you can add an avatar by clicking on your name and you will reach this screen.  Click on avatar on the left under posts and you can upload a picture.  Good LucK   

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Temple

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-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 6th of September 2014 04:33:18 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


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I so understand your post.  My experience with my sober husband before RECOVERY was much like living with him while he was using.  When he was using, generally his behaviors were the same, which caused me to really question if he was an alcoholic / addict.  He used alcohol and/or prescription pain meds.  He worked hard and appeared to be a pretty functioning human being. It was the dismissive, defensive, disconnected, depressive, negative, intimacy killing states of being that got to me.  I came to know that these behaviors were abusive to me.  I used to say, if he is ever verbally or physically abusive to me, I have the proof I need to walk out the door.....crazy, crazy, crazy.  Living with condescending, dismissive behaviors is abusive.  I did not see these behaviors as abusive to my essence until al anon.  When I saw them I got pissed...I saw the con, I saw the scapegoating, I saw how I disrespected, devalued and abused me which was worse than others treatment of me.  How bad is bad? There is an answer within you that seems to be eeeking out in your posts.  

 



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Paula
Tampa


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Your husband sound exactly like my abf when he is sober. He hates sweets when he's drinking but the minute he stops drinking he craves them like crazy and can go through soda and chocolate like crazy. I think all of it has to do with craving the sugar. Alcohol, especially liquor is loaded with sugar. How strange is that?! Thank you so much for your share. I can certainly relate and will be taking some of this with me.



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andromeda


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My AH was a dry drunk for 15 years. I remember thinking and then researching personality disorders, bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety in middle aged men, etc ad nauseum. When he started drinking again, I thought.....Oh yeah, alcoholism, that's IT!!! Well, maybe it didn't happen that fast, but it did turn on a light switch for me and I realized what I was dealing with anyway.


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