Ultimate crazy making day - Al-Anon Family Group

Madecrazygirl · Newbie

Ultimate crazy making day

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In Al Anon we learn it is not the other person it is us. We learn how to live with the A or leave the A or whatever.

Only you know what you choose to do.

A plan of recovery is like a map they go by to make changes, and become a better person. He is very young in his recovery. Sometimes it is worse than when they were using.

So its more what are you going to do? A good read is Getting Them Sober by toby rice drew volume one. cheap on amazon.

There are options to not lose your home. If you did not divorce there is no reason you have to sell. Or get a refi and buy him out. Prove his work history and how you have supported him.

Can you afford an attorney?

he is going to be who he is no matter what. Cannot change that. I learned I had to take care of me, had him go away. NO way was I going to support him.

Its been up and down but that is how life is. We can have no expectations of someone like this, none. They cannot even take care of themselves.

I know how it can make ya nuts. Once you decided to drop the rock and let it go, you will be sick. WE do not have to put up with or take their stuff. Some put up boundaries, some ignore, some leave or have them leave.

We will support any decision you make. hugs

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We've probably all lost it from time to time. The disease is crazy making. Al-Anon and the fellowship helps. If there's a movie you'd like to see, maybe you could treat yourself to a nice dinner out and a movie, too? Maybe you will lose your home, I don't know. It does sound as if you've been able to finance it for 3 years without his help? So, maybe you can keep it with or without him? I can certainly understand your wanting him to take financial responsibility by finding a job and contributing to the household finances but after 3 years and his refusal to discuss finding a job and making his behavior all about you, it doesn't sound to me as if he is close to even scratching the surface of job search. You don't have to support him although it is something that you might think is necessary to do? It is still a choice that you are making and there is nothing saying you can't change your mind. Sending you lots of encouragement and support and hope that you will find or continue Al-Anon meetings for yourself, too. Keep coming back here, too.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Heya. Welcome! What you are describing is not that unusual for a person just 9 months sober. I am not making excuses for him at all, but someone who drinks them self to the point of not being able to work or even come close to an equal partner for years is going to be functionally and emotionally retarded for a while. I don't know if the patterns of him seeking enabling and then resenting you for his own deficiencies are so bad that he will be able to break the cycle while still living with you. More will be revealed for you and I guess him too. In the meanwhile, I think you've done well to recognize his behavior is still alcoholic residue. I also don't know what kind of program he has. If he only goes to meetings and is not really working the steps, your explanation of him seems pretty standard as he would be still mentally sick and only sober due to being meeting dependant as opposed to really working the steps.

Madecrazygirl · Newbie

Thank you all. Just for a moment it's good to feel I'm not totally alone. I have always been the financial backbone. He has, sometimes, done his part, but I have always taken the big jumps (like working away from home for 4 years to make big money). Sadly, I was in denial myself about the problem. I didn't recognise the alcoholism for what it was. It wasn't till it progressed that it became obvious. He always told me that money was such a big stress point for him that when we had enough to be secure he would be able to function properly. Stupidly, I believed him. We did a big business deal that took 4 years, took years off my life ItWithout the stress of it all, and finally came away with enough to take a year to re-evaluate. I started a new busienss, and he the bottle. Instead of it freeing him to work for the right reasons (making a contribution to our future and to serve others - that's what I think are the right reasons) he just drank himself into the ground. Started drinking in secret. Blacking out. Embarrassing me in front of friends and family with sarcasm and a total inability to read social situations.
As someone who has been faily successful myself I didn't know what to do. I covered up. Stopped taking him with me anywhere. But now our cash is running out and my paid for house is under threat. I'm so angry that everything I have worked for is being sabotaged.

I appreciate the chance to vent. I know I ultimately need to make my own decisions. I was stupid not seeing all the, what I know now to be, classic signs. But they aren't classic signs until you know what to look for.
Thank you for listening and I will keep coming back. I did do a couple of al anon meetings but felt resentful at being told I was part of the problem. All I have done is be responsible, hardworking and kind. I felt blamed for that. Maybe I just went to the wrong meeting or was to hurt and angry at the time.
When I'm on my own, or with other normal people, I'm normal again. I feel socially accepted, happy and self confident. When I am at home, in my sanctuary, I feel crazy. Like I really am going mad. It's all so sad. He tells me he is doing the steps. That his sponsor tells him he is dog really well. But to be honest, I think he is pulling the wool over his sponsors eyes. I know the sponsor has probably seen it before, and I have met him. I really think he believes he is getting better. But he isn't. With me he is a vile, manipulative and emotionally sadistic nightmare. Venting is helping - and thank you all for allowing me to do that. I need some sort of momentary escape from the madness. Thank you for listening

Madecrazygirl · Newbie

Oh, forgot to say, we earned a pot of money at should have been enough to set us up for life if it was used properly. But most of it has gone. My business has taken time to get going, and is only now showing signs of becoming profitable and it's hard to run it alone. Lack of practical support or a little money dribbling in from other sources has massively increased the time it's taken. It's hard to put in a strong face to the outside world and make sales when at home it's a 16 hour a day guessing game of missed meals, meeting times changed at the list moment, pacing the room handwringing when I'm trying to make important calls, "forgetting" that I have meetings or have to film promotional videos and "accidently" turning up in my studio to look for lost phone/wallet/keys etc and disturbing me. I even have had to cancel money making events because he told me my stuff wasn't good enough or needed more "refinement". I didn't have to cancel, but my self confidence goes down the toilet when everything I do is picked apart and I'm told how it could be "better".

Passwords to the important business stuff have been changed and withheld. Fines from the tax authorities because he "forgot" to post the returns. If I try and keep him away from the business he accuses me of sabotaging his efforts to "help".

Crazy making, left right and centre.

He's due home any moment from a meeting. I'm dreading the next instalment.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.