The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been away from the board for a couple of weeks while on vacation. And things have been pretty good. After a very rough July, my AH was much better in August, drinking very little, trying to take better care of himself, etc., and we really had no conflict. I've been taking better care of myself, too. My kids came back from camp, which I was anxious about, but everything stayed peaceful and happy, even during 2+ weeks of togetherness (which usually would have included at least a couple of days of serious drama from AH). It was one of those periods that made me think, "Hmmm...if it stays like this, maybe, just maybe, I can't keep up this life."
Of course, in the back of my mind is the other voice that says, "It's just a phase like any other...it's better, but the disease is still there and it will show itself again..." And I know that's true. Even though AH hasn't been drinking, the other addictive behaviors are still in full effect. For example, overspending. This has been particularly bad for the past year (it's always been a problem though) as he's racked up tons of credit card debt on toys for himself. He laughs about it and says "it will all work out," or "future me (him) will pay for it". This is true...he always does pay it off eventually. But, really, it's future ME and our future kids who will pay for it, since every time he uses his bonus to pay off his CC bills that's money that's not going into the college fund or retirement accounts. We're seriously under-saving.
So, Tuesday, he comes home from work with a big sigh. "I've got money problems," he tells me. I already knew this because when I used my debit card linked to his account to buy gas that morning it was declined. (Thank God I have my own account that he does not have access to; I work more than full time and pay most of our major bills myself...but for some reason we've always used his acct. for gas and groceries.) He gives me all kinds of excuses about various bills he'd paid and account contributions that had just been deducted. But the bottom line is that once again he hasn't watched his balance and has over spent. Problem is, he was leaving for London on a business/pleasure trip the next morning (yesterday) and needed some cash. So, I went to the bank and took out $500 so he'd have some money for his trip. What else could I do? I had the money; it's really half his. But I felt angry and resentful...at him for being so irresponsible and selfish, at myself for allowing this pattern to go on and on and on and enabling his behavior. Etc.
At least he left early yesterday morning for his trip, so I have a few days on my own with the kids!
But, then, yesterday afternoon, my brother called me. He never calls during the day unless there's something going on with my mom, so I knew it was bad news. It wasn't anything surprising. She lost her job about a year-and-a-half ago and her unemployment has run out. So, now all she has is her social security...not enough to cover her living expenses. So, we've agreed to start kicking in $500 a month each to help her get by. I knew this was coming and that I'd have to set up the direct deposit. But getting the start date yesterday just made me sick. The rational, loving, empathetic part of me is happy to help her. She's my mother and I love her and I know that her terrible financial decisions over the years were caused by her disease--even well after she got sober. And, I know that much of her spending benefited me: She gave me an amazing education and lifestyle, travel...you name it. But the sick part of me is so angry and resentful at having to take care of her. If she'd *just* been responsible and careful, we all could have lived a comfortable, reasonable life. Instead, she went from living on Park Avenue to bankruptcy to living in a 3rd-floor walk-up on SS with help from her children. It pisses me off to have to continue to take care of her, because even though she took care of me financially growing up, she didn't take care of me emotionally. YES she had a disease, was widowed, went through a recession, etc. I know it was really hard, rationally, I do. I know how hard it is to be a single parent and to want to give your kids everything. But I'd also just like to have a "normal" parent. Yes, I know I sound like a spoiled brat. And of course I will always help my mother, will not make her feel guilty for needing help, and in some ways I'm happy to do it. But I'm also sick to death of being the one to help and support everyone else.
And the cycle of being the daughter of an alcoholic overspender and the wife of an alcoholic overspender...well...yes, I'm powerless over this disease and it's made my life unmanageable.
The financial part of staying in or leaving the marriage is all wrapped up in this whole sick history. I'm afraid to end up like my mother...and not sure whether leaving or staying is more likely to get me there!
I've done things that on the surface that seemed easier to do than to say "no." My default is "rescuer" and I've had to learn how to resist this part of me that yells "save them, save them, save them." For me, its never really been about the challenges I see my loved ones encountering, but trying to quiet down that rescue ambulance that makes so much noise when it sees another in what could be their opportunity for growth and the rescuer sees it as their impending doom. Its taken time to recognize this part of myself and it has also taken time to learn how to keep it parked at the curb whenever the red light goes off in me. Learning to be responsible towards other adults rather than for other adults is a process. As an aging Mother, the last thing I would want is for my daughter to be financially responsible for me no matter how many financial mistakes I've made or the consequences of those mistakes visit me. I want to rely on my HP for guidance as to what to do with what I have from where I am and not strap my daughter who will also get older with my financial needs.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 4th of September 2014 08:24:14 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 4th of September 2014 08:24:43 AM
I dont think you sound like a spoilt brat, I think you sound like an enabler to your mother and your husband. It might be worth looking at yourself to see what it is that drives you to be the rescuer to people. I know I can do this and its partly fear based and partly a huge ego booster martyr type behaviour. None of these behaviours actually help anyone and can do harm. Giving in this way can cost someone their dignity and can steal away important life lessons that enable growth and progress. Your husband overspends, the normal consequence for healthy people would be cut backs, not a trip to london, so off he goes no natural consequence or life lesson to be had so it will happen again. Same with your mother. Working on your part is the key in my experience.
it's funny how the financial math works like that with alcoholics! the funny strange kind, not the funny haha... My recovering alcoholic wife is the child of a non-recovering alcoholic mother. Wife has wished many times that she would have just had a "normal" life. I think that is pretty common amongst ACOA. My wife has put her life on hold in various ways over the years for her mom. She is just now learning to put boundaries in place with her. And I think boundaries are good things. She has to let her know when she won't put up with when her mom puts out a 'woe is me attitude, etc. She doesn't want to put up with it anymore, and I was certainly done with it a long time ago.
So I don't think you sound like a spoiled brat either. And I am glad you realize you are powerless over the disease. So now time to work on yourself? And by working on ourselves, ofttimes this results in consequences to other people. As el-cee said your hubby goes to London without a care in the world after having overspent. You can have a boundary in place that says you won't give him money for business/pleasure events, or whatever else you think would be wise. By doing so, you are protecting your family from financial harm. The boundary really has little to do with him, other than the consequences he suffers if he crosses it.
Thanks, everyone. I agree with all of you, I really do....in theory. But, in practice, with my 74-year-old mother, it's a different animal. I can't deny that she needs financial assistance. Yes, she's made her bed and has to lie in it to some degree, but the money my brother and I are now giving her will be just enough for her to get by on...in a very bare-bones apartment on a very bare-bones budget. She's not living large by any stretch of the imagination. I still resent the situation, but I've also seen how she's changed in the past 30 years, and how in the past 10ish years she's let go of a lot of the old alcoholic thinking. So even though there's residual anger for me over my childhood/adolescence/young adulthood, I feel like she shouldn't be punished for mistakes and bad luck when I can help her (and she can't really help herself at this point...she's not able to work anymore, even if she wanted to). I truly wish I had the funds to help her more.
My AH on the other hand is a young, fully functional (supposedly), fully employed man, and there's no excuse for not managing his/our family's budget better. I do need to set financial boundaries. I do need to express my anger over this dynamic. And I do need to look at why I haven't done these thing yet (it's all wrapped up in my "don't rock the boat" approach, and my childhood-based fears of money and facing financial reality, I'd guess). Also, I need to stop wishing someone would stand up and take care of me for once. I don't really need that. I can take care of myself!
