Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dilemmas
Post Info TOPIC: Dilemmas
Mattie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:
Dilemmas
Permalink  

Being a single parent is a high-wire act, especially with a demanding job that requires a good deal of travel.  Until recently I had relatives in town, but now after a crisis of their own, they have moved away, so I am lacking one more piece of back-up.  A low-paying, high-travel job - not a good combination!  (Actually the travel is a perk, or would be if I didn't have the childcare considerations.)

I was due to leave town in a couple of days for a two-week trip.  This trip is particularly important because there is a hearing out of state that I need to attend.  I won't spell out the details but if I do not attend, things could potentially be disastrous. 

When he is sober, the ex-AH has always been reliable in taking care of our child, with heavy back-up from the relatives who are now gone.  And he stays sober for months, sometimes years at a time, so things have been made to work.

But CrazyTown is back on the schedule. I talked to the ex last night and this morning he has no memory of it. He has been making crazy decisions.  He even somehow got a copy of my car key - I guess he came across the spare - and has started 'storing' junk in my car.  (He doesn't live with me!  It is just completely bizarre.)   I mean anyone could predict that I would not be okay with this, but he's mortally offended that I mind.  He's a hoarder and I think the hoarding is just getting even more out of control.  It's just CrazyTown.

He told me about a lot of health problems his doctor has diagnosed.  Our arrangement was that he would pay child support if I kept him on my health insurance, but he has stopped paying, so I am going to take him off my insurance.  I tried to tell him this in as non-judgmental a way as I could.  My prediction is that he will blow up, however.  Blowing up means a binge.  Which of course does not make things easier.

Anyway that's just background.  I have to figure out what to do about this trip and my stress levels are through the roof.  I could cancel for right now, which would be potentially catastrophic for several reasons.  I have to go on this trip sometime in the next month, I mean it's really not negotiable if I want to keep my job and my life running.  I could take our child out of school to go with me.  This is not a problem as far as the job is concerned, but there have been big school problems (our child has some learning issues) and obviously this is a massive problem.  I am not seeing a way out of this that does not cause almost as much trouble as it solves.  I do need to rearrange my whole life better now that my relatives are no longer back-up.  The high-wire act is very stressful.  I am just beside myself with anxiety.

Thanks for listening again.



__________________
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

Im sorry mattie, thats difficult. The onky suggestion I can make and it seems to work for me is ask your hp for help, let it go, out of your mind for a short time and come back to it with a fresh perspective. The outcome whatever it is may be what you need in the long run, well this is what I tell myself when I have that impending doom feeling and no solutions.

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

I'm with el cee on this, Mattie. When I can't see my way clear with something, both my sponsor and my HP have both been great helps to me. We aren't meant to figure everything out on our own and sometimes we are put in situations where we get to turn everything over and wait for an answer in faith and trust. I've thought at times that my HP just loves to let me get to a place where it seems like I'm hanging over a cliff by my size 3 pinky finger and then all of a sudden - whoosh - something I couldn't have manufactured happens that turns everything that was upside down right side up.

On the subject of your X, he may be a hoarder and he certainly is taking advantage of you and your generosity from how this reads to me. I'm surprised he could get a copy made of your key? And I'm not surprised that he is sooooooooo insulted by your very insensitive and unrealistic expectation that he of all people should not be able to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.wink I've worked with all sorts of people, Mattie, many who have problems similar to your X. They know what they're doing most of the time. They like to push the edge of the envelope.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 3rd of September 2014 08:15:44 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Sounds like being a single parent who has to work is plenty with out any of A's influence on your life.

For me it is an ez answer, take his stuff to his place dump it and ask for key. If he won't give keys up, call the police and have him charged with whatever charge that is. One theft of key, two trespassing, etc. I had to learn we all need to answer for our behaviors, even A's. You might want to go to the police station with his junk, take pictures to have the proof he did this before you take his stuff back. Tell police what you intend to do. But have a record of it, you and them.

I wonder about a nanny who would stay at your home and watch the little one? Is there anyone you know? Maybe a senior in school or a college student taking young child development. Many times one can use this type situation for a independant study to get credits. Get to know them first.

Just throwing out ideas to help problem solve. Of course there is the changing type of career since you will be a parent a long time.

For me it was not worth my time to be raising my two kiddo's and thinking about the A's boloney. Only time I got money was when he was on unemployment!

You are such a bright, intelligent woman. I know You will figure this out. Maybe one needs to be extra nice to yourself.

As far as taking kiddo, homeschooling can actually help them more with the one on one!

lotsa hugs and faith in you!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
SerenityRUS


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs Mattie and you are right it is so hard when they are in crazy mode and there is no one for a backup plan.

Do you have any close friends that can help? If I have to leave town I have 2 sets of other parents I can count on in regards to my daughter. If it's just an over night maybe 2 days they step up big time. I have left them when I went to St Louis this last year. Thankfully their kids go to the same school. If I had to leave the state for a week at a time I already know my youngest will just have to come with me which will be difficult for him with school. He's in grade school so I guess I don't get to concerned as we can get his schedule and homework and it's something him and I can work on together. One of the things I hate most about being a single parent is feeling like a I can't manage my own life and here my STBAX is in town and just can't be trusted with the kids adding to the complication .. they don't want to be with him when he's in crazy town mode and trust me .. he's living there and I have no desire to visit him even for 5 min. It's one more way the kids and I are at his whim and of course he has no regard for other people in general.

Child care just isn't an option for me that kind of round the clock care wouldn't even be worth the trip for me my entire check would be set to child care. I can't afford after school care and I'm soooo grateful that the kids are able to walk home now.

Hugs P :)

If I am able to just pray and focus my mind consistently on the present usually I can at least relieve whatever anxiety I happen to have going on. That whole fear of the unknown sucks bad.





__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

Great responses to a situation that seems overwhelming, maddening, impossible...I remember those days when my kids were young.  I wish for peace for you, Mattie.  Stay close.



__________________

Paula
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Dilemmas