ABf drinks in the am - Al-Anon Family Group

JustJill · Member

ABf drinks in the am

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

When I have to communicate a boundary with ABF, of course words are pretty meaningless but when they are required I leave him out of it completely. So I guess in that situation I might say "I'm going to spend some time alone with my children at the lake next weekend". And no matter what he comes back with, I keep it about me and don't mention him in a positive or negative way. "I want, I need, and I am going to do". So if he says "Oh so you don't want me to come" I would say "it's not about you, I need to spend some time alone with my children this weekend". Repeat, ad-infinitum. I don't think there is any need to say the words "you were a jerk this weekend so you are not welcome" or whatever because he will know that anyway; if you don't mention him or his behaviour at all, you don't give him permission to make it about him and wear you down with arguing and nonsense.
Just my take

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 3rd of September 2014 11:42:20 AM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jill, Have you ever communicated this boundary to him? If so, then you might want to mention that you have told him before this is a boundary for you, and that boundary is for you and your needs, and that you intend to stick to it. Then everything else missmeliss said.

Kenny

JustJill · Member

Thank you Miss and Kenny. It helps a lot. I will keep it clear and simple.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess I wonder what is making you angry? What if a dog you knew was aggressive, when you put your hand out to it bit you every time. So is it the dog or you to be angry at?

He is an A. A's are insane when they use. It's not rational to expect any different. So who are you mad at?

He is sick, we need to have a pen only we can see and write on their foreheads, sick sick sick. So when they open their mouths, we look at them, see our reminder and not say a word.

He drinks cuz he is an addict, type, alcoholic. Am, pm, morn night, week ends, holidays, whatever, he craves it every moment.

So my dear what are you going to do? Sounds good, simply don't have him go with you. Tell him, ignore his response. Not like you have to accept the invitation to listen to his insanity. So what he gets riled or whatever. That is his problem.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I see it, it is entirely fair to feel that you don't want to be around him when he's drinking so hard. (I do feel bad for his son, though. What a dilemma to have a dad like that.) But if you're out at your lake place, trying to get him to leave when he's drunk is probably going to be hard. They get belligerent, resistant, in denial, they make trouble, and you don't have any leverage to get him out other than persuading him. It's easier when it's a situation where you can just leave, because of course you do have control over yourself.

I don't know what that means the solution is, just that it would be good to figure out a way that you can easily separate from him when he gets like that. A way that doesn't mean he has to agree to it, you can just do it.

For my part, I always found it useful to be able to say exactly what was happening as I understood it. "I have no idea whether you're drunk or not, but you're behaving like you do when you're drunk. I have a hard time with that, so I'm going to go do [whatever]. Bye." Case closed, no chance for argument. Some people find it more advisable to do it without stating anything. It all depends on the situation and the people involved. When my A tries to keep me from calling a spade a spade, I get resistant. But in my situations that's probably not the best way to go at all.

Take good care of yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can see how all the posts and ESH you received above would be valid and helpful. I also know that it's not that easy to just stop listening and caring about the ideas, opinions, and feelings of someone you have chosen to be in a relationship with whether they are an addict/alcoholic or not. This is why actual alanon meetings and sponsorship and step work will really help you. Your heart tells you one thing, your head another, and then we who are not involved or invested like you in the relationship can help you learn tools to bridge that gap. For me, I kept working at my program until my heart and my head matched up. It took time, dedication, and work. Without that, I always led with my heart way before my head and it got me in trouble. If not that - then I would torture myself in my head for what my heart was feeling. It was just all out of synch and robbing me of serenity. Alanon can help you get that back.

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