The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am just sick and tired of hearing repeatedly that I have to be patient, understanding, caring to my AH and his needs. He once again this week did not progress from his 4th step onto his 5th. He is now 4 months in at the house and is the only one that hasn't move forward. I have heard from him that is was because he got off restriction in talking to me and then he couldn't do the work, so he put on another restriction, then he lifts that and now still hasn't completed the work, yet I hear how he is helping everyone in the house do their worksheets, finding out if they need to talk with him, help them with problems whatever. Last nite when he called he started off with his aches and pains and that they didn't get a ride to a meeting and had to walk....blah, blah, blah...I finally said to him that I am really tired of being a 2 hour a weekend wife, talking with him on the phone when his busy schedule allows it and in mid-sentence he hollers I gotta go now and hung up on me.
He tried to call me this morning repeatedly, I didn't answer I just couldn't deal with it and decided to not answer. He is going to call at 12 today and I am contemplating on answering or not. He left a feeble I am sorry I hung up on you last night message and I don't accept the apology. I am trying too hard here to hold a marriage together that is in a desperate state. I can't work it on my own, so I am just giving it up, no sense on banging my head against a wall.
Sometimes I think even though he is in a recovery house they encourage him to not take responsibility for handling his "real" life and I don't accept that. It's time to man up and quit using the house as an excuse as to why after all this time nothing has changed for our life together. I swear if I hear one more person tell me that it's all my fault anyway that I put up with his behaviors, I need to own all my faults as to why this marriage is rotten and that I need to feel empathy, understanding, patience for his needs...I might just hit the person saying it to me right in the jaw so they can't speak to me anymore. (JK) When is he to step up and feel empathy, understanding and patience? I guess never because he whips out the old crutch of I have a disease I can't do that or his buddies saying he has a disease and he needs extreme help he can't do anything because the poor, poor fellow is such a victim of the disease.
I feel defeated and just over it. I am laying this marriage in Gods hands and not going to put forth one ounce of effort into it or feeling anything any longer for my AH and his recovery. I don't care if anyone likes it or guilts me into being more patient, understanding, whatever. I can honestly say I don't even care if he makes it or uses or goes to jail, homeless, hungry I just don't care anymore. Thanks for letting me share. ((Hugs)).
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Sounds to me like a beautiful place of surrender to me....when I was where you are, my recovery and my life began to flourish. I let go of trying to manage and began thriving. I say bravo to you.
Linda, I can really relate to your anger. When my AH was in the recovery unit I was so mad because he got all the counseling, food, help, patience, and understanding. I got nothing. I had 3 kids at home and couldn't feed them, utilities turned off, eviction notice, no gas for car, everything unraveling and he's being treated like a king because he finally admitted to his addiction. Bah Humbag. I was told I need to better understand and not dump on him. I couldn't handle it. He almost left the unit because I was so mad. Finally I let go of my anger like Paula said and released my resentment. I was a lot better after that.
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Especially the blah, blah, blah part. That's all it is, and once I came to understand the blah blah blah out of my AWs mouth was just that, I was a lot better off. I could also tell once it stopped being blah blah blah, so I found that there was no need to obsess about AW in treatment, once she was ready she lost the crap. When she wasn't ready, I just let her do her thing, nothing I could do about it anyway.
Been there...done that...don't do it anymore. I didn't cause her, cannot control her and will not ever cure her and it isn't my job. All the time I loose focusing on my peace of mind and serenity when I focus on others I think are responsible for it. This isn't recovery...the opposite is.
Good job detaching from the alcoholic and the alcoholics drama and king baby behaviors. If his mother didn't do a good job... ohhhh well. You didn't sign on as mother.
Keep practicing detachment that's a major tool in YOUR recovery.
I agree with pp, sounds like surrender to me. Thats where I started from, a place of I give up, that place opened my mind to allow a different way of thinking in and that thinking has given me freedom from trying to control or change anyone but myself. Its a useless waste of energy that leads to frustration for me. Hes going to do whatever he wants regardless of anything you say. All you can do is put boundaries in place for yourself and defend them.
(((L))) I get it and I got there and it passed. Sending you lots of understanding and support. The good news is to me: since he is in rehab, you have so much time to do exactly what you want or need to do with and for you both in the Al-Anon rooms and other supports that might put a spring in your step and a twinkle in your eye because you're doing some of the things you might have put on hold when you were living with an active A?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 3rd of September 2014 08:01:17 PM
Yeah...you don't have to do anything in regards to him at the moment. Speaking for my own recovery, the first year was largely about just learning how to live without drinking. I didn't grow more responsibility or empathic til closer to 2 years and I recognize most folks don't even get to 2 years sober. Hence, you don't need to be patient, wait, or put up with anything you don't want to. Sometimes the damage done is too great to fix too. It's okay Flower and you are OK too!
I remember this really well when my ex was in rehab. He would do anything not to face his feelings. He'd been diagnosed with anxiety and other issues which today I realize complicated things further. He was always looking for things to physically do and wanted to repair things around the rehab that were broken. He was quite the little helper. He was sober but not emotionally sober. Of course they did the best they could to try to sit him down and to encourage him to write and share. I felt then like you do now. It seemed pretty straightforward to me ... do the program work and lets get on with living.
I'm not going to tell you to be patient or understanding just to keep living your life, don't put it on hold. To me, that's the answer even if we aren't married to alcoholics because life too short to live it in a holding pattern. Your husband may want recovery, he may not. I actually enjoyed the solitude of that came from having my ex somewhere else for awhile. Keep taking care of you. You're worth it. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Sounds like you are accepting reality. That's good. My sponsor always tells me even when the A stops drinking, it doesn't mean they suddenly become what we've wanted them to become. Sometimes they become dry drunks...still doing and saying crazy things, just not drinking. Take care of yourself!
Update, this afternoon my AH called and told me that he talked with his counselor about his 4th step and they had already decided he had completed it and will "let" him do his fifth step on next Tuesday and then burn all his writing on his 4th step. I am glad for him, but this is such a confusing mess. One day it's "I didn't get finished with my work" and then very next day it's Oh I am moving on. I was able to listen to him, not say anything except well that is good and moved on to another subject.
I think I am making some progress with my reactions, emotions, frustrations and learning when to voice my opinion and when to just leave it alone. Feelin' good!
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Great attitude and great job at detaching. I know what you mean about being tired of always being supportive of your AH's struggles and wishing just once someone would acknowledge your struggles. But sounds like you're really moving on in your own recovery regardless of how exactly he progresses in his. Hang in there!
Are you getting to face-to-face meetings? Have you found a sponsor?
I can only speak for myself in that I drove myself crazy trying to understand the alcoholic. Why did he do this? Why doesn't he do that? What's his problem? Why, why, why, why...? I eventually just had to come to a place and admit that I never would fully understand him and that every second I spent trying to figure the alcoholic out was a second of my life completely wasted. And yes, I wasted many many hours and days giving the alcoholic my full attention when frankly he didn't even deserve it.
I finally learned who really needs attention in my life. It's ME. And damn right, I deserve my attention. I can give myself the love and respect that I try to squeeze out of unavailable people. I don't need to wait around for it to suddenly happen from outside sources.
I only learned that, however, with the continual reminders I got from regularly attending Al-Anon meetings and watching my friends in the program grow and get healthy. I got it from reading the literature and continuous dialogue with my sponsor and working the steps with her. It took a lot of time, and I'm no saint, either. I have plenty of melt-down moments, still. Plenty of times where I once again decide to give my self-worth to another person because somehow I decide that THIS one's opinion suddenly matters.
Keep getting to your meetings. I guarantee you deserve that time for yourself. You are a worthy, beautiful, amazing woman.
