The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There's not an anniversary card that says "I'm only still with you as I can't trust you not to harm the kids on visitation". Was our anniversary today, surprised at my emotions - we haven't been more than co parents for months now and thought I had come to terms with it but found myself so overwhelmingly sad. My friends don't understand how lonely it is, yes we still live together but I can't tell you the last time we even hugged or i told him about my thoughts or day as he doesn't listen or care.
Since talking to my last resort, the mediator, and hearing visitation would not be supervised, decided staying with the kids was best option right now. Then I started thinking that I was exaggerating things and he wouldn't drink while with the kids and was using it as an excuse not to move forward due to my fears. While I am still fearful of making the move, he also showed me that I was NOT exaggerating the fears for the kids. While he is still controlling his drinking, as far as I can tell he's not drinking during the week, he is binging every couple of weeks. The last time he was drunk at 7 AM, and continued to drink all day. When the control slips further, as I know it will and am surprised it hasn't yet, then will follow through with separating and hope and pray he won't fight the supervised visitation. I am conflicted with this though, it seems deceiving to me to be planning this and continuing to put money away - I hate how many lies he tells me is what Im doing that different? we have talked of separation before....
it has been freeing to let go of all expectations of him and therefore resentments and I was doing well but I started back to work full time last week (teaching) and am overwhelmed keeping up with cooking dinner, dishes, laundry, soon homework, etc. some anger resurfaced last week and I was resentful that he does nothing with helping with kids other than playing and giving a bottle at bedtime (though he doesn't even hold the baby, props it up beside him! That drives me crazy as an early intervention teacher). I know we will get back in a routine and it Will get easier just SO hard not to be angry at AH.
I'd feel angry, too. This is a baby and his child that he props with a bottle next to him. Underneath the emotion of anger might be some feelings that are difficult to feel that hurt? Anger doesn't hurt and it helps us feel powerful to some degree. Yet, we are totally powerless over the disease and our loved one and its so hard to accept that and to surrender to what we can't change and to do what we can change. Once we can get there, feel our feelings and let go of what we want/wanted and do what is revealed to us is necessary, it does get easier because our focus changes from them to us and to our HP.
I can certainly relate to the feelings of sadness that you are experiencing, Kerry. This isn't the life you planned for you or for your children. And it is what it is. I also can relate to your feeling deceitful in making plans to separate from him and squirreling money away. As one of our members used to say: "If this were your daughter who is going through what you are experiencing right now, would you tell her that she should tell him everything that is on her mind about separating from him? Or would you say something else to her?"
Sending you tons of support and understanding. Keep coming back.
Thanks grateful, I hadn't felt anger for awhile, actually didn't feel much at all towards AH, so it surprised me. But yes I am realizing that I'm not going to have the life I wanted for me or the kids and likely never will from him which is a waste as he was wonderful with our older nieces and even volunteered in my classroom but can't get that engagement for his own kids. As the alanon book reads transform our losses, it will get better
(((KM))) I numbed out for awhile with mine. When I started coming out of the denial, I began to notice feelings that surprised me, too. They helped to wake me up and move me on.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of September 2014 09:26:54 PM
This was my biggest resentment, how inept at being a father he was, what I didnt realise was while I was obsessed with him I was a pretty lousy mother. I came to realise that my ex couldnt give what he didnt have to give. It wasnt that he was holding back all this love and great arenting skills, he never had it ever. I stayed for the kids too and it was part of the denial for me. I couldnt face up to the reality of my life so I didnt look properly to see the damage being done. Its a hard situation and I understand, your meetings and your higher power will help you. Also, keeping money back and getting a plan b in order is the right thing for you and your kids, whats the alternative?
