The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Al-Anon, but not new to recovery. I have been in AA for a little over a year and a half. I work a program, go to meetings, have a sponsor, work the steps, etc. I started dating a fellow AA member about 8 months ago. If I didn't qualify for Al-Anon before, then I definitely do now. We've already have a rough patch where he wasn't working a program and we almost broke up because of it. Things are much better now and we are both working a program.
However, this has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in recovery. I accidentally read some of my boyfriend's 4th step. I have over a year sober and my boyfriend has over 3. Here it goes-
I read my boyfriend's 4th step. I went to get a piece of paper out of a notebook sitting on the kitchen table and it was his 4th step. The first thing I saw was a resentment toward another man that he had "gay relations" with. I slammed it shut. I didn't know whose it was, he has roommates, so I acted on old behavior and I went back to identify whose it was. I was sure it was his roommates. Then I found proof that it was his. I was shaking and ran out of his house. My old self would have ran into his room and confronted him, shaming him and breaking up with him. I immediately called my sponsor when I left. She didn't answer. I called my old sponsor and thank God she did. I didn't tell her exactly what I saw but she knew it was bad because I was crying and really shaken up. The first thing she said was " You read his private reading?!" Then she told me how selfish I was being for only thinking of myself and how his past effects me. She said, "Where do you think you met him? You met him in AA. He's going to have a past." I never thought of it before. I tried not to. Any time he brought up sexual/romantic things from his past, the good and the bad, I stopped him. I didn't want to know. I didn't think I could handle it. I am still too jealous, emotional and selfish to deal with it. He's the same way with me. The past is the past and we choose to leave it there when it comes to knowing about each others.
I have put myself in a horrible place. I never want to have secrets in AA but I can only tell my old sponsor and current sponsor about this, and I don't know if I can bare to tell them that it was about him and another man. So, I have chosen to come online anonymously and ask for help and support. I know I did something awful by reading his 4th step but it really was an accident and then once I saw what I saw, the old me took over with the insane actions. My old self would have been gone already by now. I would have blown up on him, called him disgusting and never spoken to him again. I don't want to be like that. I want to stay with him and I want to be able to understand him and his past. I am really struggling though. I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I think he would get so upset at me and I think that I could potentially hurt him really bad. Now I feel like I have this huge secret from him, and most of my network and it's eating me alive. I have already had thoughts of using to make it all go away. I am not going to do that but the thoughts alone are a sign to me that I am on the wrong track.
I want to talk to him about it. I don't know if my motives are clear though. I want to know it was during his addiction. I want to know that's not really him. I want...I don't know. An explanation I guess. I need some relief of this huge burden. I don't know what to do. My obsessive thinking is in full force. It's all I can think about.
He makes gay jokes to his friends all the time and has even jokingly (so I thought) said "have you seen my 4th step?" when someone was joking about him being gay. I'm just scared. No clue what to do.
I know I am probably going to get bashed on here a few times. So be it. It's worth it to get it out. Thank you very much for reading this and any experience, strength or hope you have around this would be GREATLY appreciated.
llvngsobr, congratulations on your sobriety. Welcome to Miracles in Progress, I can hear distress and your concern and would never consider "bashing " any actions taken in the past.It is a waste of time and energy
When my husband passed, I found his fourth step note book. It was clearly identified in red magic marker so that I knew what was inside when I found it --I was still tempted to open and read all that was hidden , but I realized that I had a hard enough time dealing with the reality of the life that we had shared and I did not want to open another can of worms that I could not close. I burned the book in the incinerator and never regretted it. The reason I'm telling this is that we can find a fourth step and accidentally begin reading it. It can happen to anyone.
What it has triggered in your mind, is very normal and human. I do believe that under the influence of alcohol many people experiment sexually in many situations where they would not normally participate. Sexually transmitted diseases would be my big concern and if I were newly dating someone , I do believe I would need to explore both our sexual conduct. Keeping an open mind on the subject would be very helpful in this situation as your sponsor suggested
Now that you are dating an alcoholic, Al-Anon could be a program that you might explore as well. Check out the face-to-face meetings in your community and try to attend at least six different meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. At my step meeting last night we had three members from AA attend for the first time and they promised to come back.
Al-Anon is a gentle program. We use the steps and look for progress not perfection. Please keep coming back
Aloha Living and welcome to the board. I probably would have some what of the same reactions and responses you are going thru right now however when I found this program and learned that if I worked it I would never ever have to go back to living the way I use to I turned my life over to it. The honesty that is required for me in both programs is absolute...in all my affairs and thoughts and actions. I learned to live by purpose and intent and the "accidental" I use to claim went away. I can and would be able to identify something that wasn't mine to participate in so it became automatic to "just drop it" MYOB was one of the early acronyms in the program when I arrived which of course meant Mind Your Own Business...Stay out of others. I was in so much trauma from just doing my own thing that this was an easy lesson. The language of Al-Anon states that we hold in "confidence" that which is said to us, that which we overhear and what is mentioned in the rooms. It is part of the tradition of anonymity which mine and another persons recovery depends upon. I cannot "accidentally" defy that tradition and practice. The end of the 9th step has the exception "Except when to do so would injure them or others" and so in program we learn to suppress our egos and prides and elevate the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical importance of others beyond ourselves. That is working unconditional love and acceptance...the God character in us.
You've gone to your sponsorship and addressed the problem with others in recovery. For me I would run the situation thru the filter of the Serenity Prayer and the mindset of my Higher Power. I would focus on the meanings of willingness, apology and amends and then also commit myself to practicing continuously the opposite behavior of fear...which for me is love and the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are (includes self).
I have learned to "forget", erase items of memory from my mind at will as necessary so that I am not plagued by those that are none of my business. I can forget the shortfalls of others because that I was I want them to do for me. That is the practice of being fairk, honest and just. That is a daily practice. I love the consequences for me of practicing forgiveness which is the opposite of resentments...resentments remind me that I have ego and pride both of which want me running for the position of God.
What do you do? How much did you accidently read? How much do you have to intentionally forget? How much additional step and tradition program work are you willing to commit to? You could do another 4th step on this or you can do a 10th...there is a difference.
You haven't hurt anyone at the moment...just yourself...have a good 11th step. In support ((((hugs))))
You seem upset by something he put on his 4th step. Perhaps it would be helpful to you to inventory what is so upsetting to you in what you read. There might be an uninvestigated belief that you will uncover that could be discussed with your sponsor before you make an amends which I also suggest you talk over with your sponsor? We all fall short of perfection in this program. I see this experience as holding a lot of opportunity for growth for you.
Old you thinks being gay is "disgusting." That disturbed me more than you reading the 4th step. And you are so desperate to find out he's not "that way." Just ask if you want to know that bad, but keep the fact that you read that journal to yourself as that is an amends that will hurt him if you try to make it. Sounds like you entered into this relationship too early in your sobriety. It has only been 8 months. You will be fine regardless of him and the relationship. Put your program first. You are sober! That is number 1 always! Take some deep breaths and put the relationship in perspective. If your sobriety cannot handle a relationship ending, you need to focus on your sobriety more and LESS on the relationship. Stop obsessing about this guy like you are addicted to him now. Work your program til you know you will be fine no matter what.
You did not "accidentally" read your boyfriend's 4th step writings. That's quite impossible. But what's done is done, and now it is time for you to accept or reject what he wrote, and either way move on. If you really feel that being gay is "disgusting" then I think you have your answer. Take care of yourself,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I guess I'm a firm believer that nothing really happens by accident. You may have opened the notebook innocently but I believe your hp led you to it for a reason. Ask yourself... what kind of relationship are you having if you can't be honest and open with one another. I'm not implying that you both owe it to one another in the present to lay out your pasts to one another but if what you saw in the notebook is eating away at you then you may want to discuss it further with the sponsor. If I were in your place, I would sort out my own feelings with my sponsor before anything else. You used the word "disgusting" when you referred to his choice and that you'd hoped it happened while he was actively addicted. If you want this relationship, you'll clearly need to examine your own motives and ability to accept who he is. What if he clearly chose that partner because of attraction and preference. Can you accept that he may be attracted to men as well as women? It will be difficult to have any kind of discussion with him until you sort out your own feelings.
If you decide you want to talk to him about it, I would suggest you decide whether you are speaking to him to make amends or you are speaking to him for further clarification on what you read from his fourth step. If you are making an amends you will need to be very conscious of your motive and very conscious of your words and actions as you do so. I would simply say I found your notebook on the table, opened it to tear out some writing paper and I read things that were none of my business, I'm sorry. I suggest saying this because it's what I said when I made the same awful mistake. I didn't realize it was a fourth step but I certainly realize it was someone's private writings. You see you're not terminally unique. Something that occurs to me me is that if your boyfriend's fourth step is a private matter, why leave it on the kitchen table without saying please don't open that book it's personal.
Well, I hope when all is said and done, this situation leads to program growth and enlightment for each of you. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I went digging and learned A was "experimenting". I was horrified that it was sneaking around and putting personal information that could possibly be harmful in the wrong hands for my children and myself. Sexually transmitted disease being one. Male or female, really the part that disturbed me is that I could not have an open and honest relationship and trust was missing entirely. If I am to love myself unconditionally I would start by admitting my feelings were hurt. The thought that A would find enjoyment in those acts that didn't include me was a painful realization. After some quiet time I also wonder if he actually found that he truly preferred another mans company but felt shamed b/c of others judgement. I somehow don't think that you may be disgusted with his acts at all. I found I was not disgusted by the act but the dishonesty that surrounded the act towards me. I also understood that the way I looked at myself in the mirror was where I was disgusted. I really had no reason to be. I found that when my "yuck" was fueled and fired up, anger and resentment raged on and I really needed to start hitting the program hard to find my own defects.
What I love about Alanon is the tools allow me to focus on me. I set boundaries and take care of me. Your sobriety is priority and I would like to say congratulations on choosing life. Please keep coming back you are not alone.
