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Feeling crazier than ever lately. Emotions are all over the place. I guess I am just a weak, fragile person. Last week AH and I were arguing about the house situation. I made a decision and he didn't like it. Then we were being civil. Then we went out to dinner with our daughter. The next thing I know...he wants sex. It's just crazy. I said no. Now that my older kids are away at college I think he is thinking we can just do whatever we want because they won't know about it if we sleep together. My older kids would be really upset if we got back together. Anyway, being honest...I will tell you there's a part of me that feels some excitement and I was considering just sleeping with him for the hell of it. But I didn't follow through. But it makes me feel crazy that I even consider it because I feel lonely. I think I need to weigh the pros and cons of our marriage and examine things!! He isn't drinking, but we all know there are no guarantees with that. I guess I am so sick that I would sleep with him for my own selfish need to feel wanted. Even if it was given to me by an A who is still unemployed and acting irresponsible. Ugh. Help!!
Hey NLG. You seem to be beating yourself up because you are human and need to feel intimate human contact. WE all need to feel we are loved and desired. Your plan of weighing the pros and cons of your marriage seems like a good idea to me. It might even be beneficial to put the pros and cons on paper. There are no guarantees in life for any of us. We just have to take one day at a time and trust our HP.
Keep working your program.
((Hugs))
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I do not see you as being weak or fragile. You have taken many steps to indicate otherwise. The massive amount of evidence that you are strong is clear. You moved out on your own with your 3 girls, are paying your way, sending the kids to college, still taking care of your little one...working full time and you did all this while separating. You did not come unglued. It is normal to have emotions all over the place in a separation and potential divorce.
You also have mixed feelings about your AH. That is not unusual either. Part of you is still on the fence with him and that is okay too. It's just where you are at. It's normal to have needs, get lonely...etc. I can see that while you are on the fence with him, you probably aren't looking to date others yet, so that leaves you in limbo. Romance, sex...etc are fun....and most people desire validation and a sense of belonging/feeling wanted (if not intimately in other ways). Of course you want these things. But you don't really want it from him and aren't ready to have it from anyone new (aside from maybe feeling validated and wanted in Alanon and other platonic settings). It's just an uncomfortable place. Stop making negative inferences about yourself from that.
You haven't moved on and made a firm decision about him. Part of you seems to be waiting for drastic enough change that you could validate some ongoing romantic relationship and not divorce. For today, you are fine. You made a good decision for you. The thought about having sex was just that...a thought...a desire and one that shows you are human...period. Doesn't help you to beat up on yourself for being human.
Dont be too hard on yourself, it could be that you havent fully let go yet or maybe your not ready for divorce or a complete end of the relationship. I felt a bit like this too, although, I got to the stage where there was no way I could be intimate with him. I struggled to let go too and kept him in my life on the sidelines for a good while but I realised that it was keeping the chaos and mine and his disease alive. I didnt feel good about myself because I knew it wasnt the right thing for anyone but I had fear about letting go. I got clarity and relief when I decided to make a complete break, no contact unless it was to do with the kids, no trying to be friends or anything at all. It was just over. From that point on the whole family seemed to do better, including him. Limbo land is too hard, maybe you need space to decide what you want. Its not impossible for everyone to stay with their ah, theres lots of people on this site who do it but you really need to work the program every day to keep your sanity or regain it. It can be an intense situation to be in and there are no rules, everyones different and whatever you decide you can still change your mind, you can also give it to your hp, ask for help and keep it out of your mind for a while, take a break from it. It might give you some clarity.
I felt the same way at times in relationship to my x. I didn't act on the feelings or the thoughts and I noticed they happened most often when I was experiencing some really scary stuff in my life - one of those things being my son in a closed head injury clinic where the feedback on what we could expect was awful news. My HP intervened at times when I confused my need for comfort and security and reassurance with the belief that he could supply it for a time. It sounds to me like your HP might have intervened, too? I tended to regress in my mind to when things were fairly good between us when I was struggling for balance and then something would happen that reminded me of why I couldn't enter into any type of relationship to him that was intimate on any level. You are doing just fine being a human being with a lot on her plate and a lot of unknowns in her future. We're here for you and I'm fairly certain we can most all relate to what you've shared, sister.
This is why I come here. Everyone is so understanding and helpful. I guess I am human after all. Ha. I do feel in limbo at times. I get reminded very often actually of why I left. One example is today my AH is borrowing money from his god daughter because he doesn't have a job! That's just not ok. I feel like telling her she shouldn't feel obligated to help him. But I won't. They have a complicated relationship and if I said anything it would just cause more chaos.
For now I will just live in fantasy land and dream about the man I really want to hop into bed with. Ha ha. Enough said...can't say too much online.
Liam can exist in fantasy land for all of us at once G2B...As can Gerard Butler...not that I fantasize or think of anyone that way other than my newlywed husband.
Well if your crazy so am I! Have felt the same feeling of wanting some intimacy or caring or anything and was going to act on it one night this week-end, but by time kids were in bed he was snoring on couch, thanks HP! Sending support and hugs!
Not in my fantasy land, Pink. Gerard? Well, I don't care there although I'm totally over the top about your decision not to fantasize about anyone other than your beloved.
And on the subject of crazy: I don't think anyone makes it through life without at least a little crazy.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of September 2014 09:23:41 PM
Well if your crazy so am I! Have felt the same feeling of wanting some intimacy or caring or anything and was going to act on it one night this week-end, but by time kids were in bed he was snoring on couch, thanks HP! Sending support and hugs!
Oops. Sorry about that. Maybe it was better that it didn't happen after all?
I can so relate to this share. My dry ah is on his second aa gf, this one is more serious and
I still miss him on some level( because he is my husband of 29 yrs) Life will be easier
for me when i move out and divorce gets settled. I will Go no contact with him. I have too
many deep emotions right now. I am crying As i type this. The healing process is long
and painful one. No idea what he is feeling. We have not talked ftf in over a month. I
Don't think he can face me. We skirt around each other on the property.
Notebook in kitchen,lawyers and Texting for immediate stuff only. I called him last week
about something he needed to take Care of (lights on)and it was a mistake. We chatted,he thanked
me, i said i am your wife and he Said i know,and i burst into tears and hung up. I will just
send a text next time something Like that happens.
Having all of these feelings makes us colorful and interesting...who wants to be beige? It is what we do with those feelings that will empower or disempower us. My feelings can lead me to wonderful insights if I keep them in a no judgment zone ( sounds like Planet Fitness). Keep moving forward with your recovery....
Well if your crazy so am I! Have felt the same feeling of wanting some intimacy or caring or anything and was going to act on it one night this week-end, but by time kids were in bed he was snoring on couch, thanks HP! Sending support and hugs! 
Gerard? Well, I don't care there although I'm totally over the top about your decision not to fantasize about anyone other than your beloved. 
