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I have been in a relationship for over 9 years... 7 of those years he was sober and he relapsed almost 2 years ago. He has been binge drinking basically every month that i know of but i suspect much more.
Most recently we have had arguements about money. He heas not been able to maintain stable employment since losing his company due to his drinking just over a year ago. I have been our main provider since. We have made multple arrangements for him to be accountable to pay his potion of the bills but it often ends with me needing to pay his part... or I will also suffer the consequence of his poor choices ie electiricty and gas bills.
More recently he has been giving me all of his money when he does get paid and i take care of the bills... but i also recently found out he has been lying about how much money he has been getting... as in says he got paid $800 when it was in fact $1000. I have made the decision to allow him as many oppertunities to pay the bills that impact me, knowing eventually i will pay it if i need to but they are still in his name and his responsibility. The bills of his I have decided to not pay are for gas for his car and his phone bill... and since i have not offered or been willing to help with those bills ( 5 days now) he has been without gas and without a cell phone... also very hostile andangry about my choice to do this. Saying that i am holding him captive and preventing him from going to work by not buying him gas. I feel terrible about this and need to know if this is even a boundary worth keeping.
Anyone have any experience with a similiar situation and can anyone offer any support or advice?
Hi KRae Welcome to Miracles in Progress It certainly sounds as if he has you in a "Catch 22" situation. He claims to give you all his money and then he claims that he can not look for work because you will not give him money for gas to look for work.
Handling money with an alcoholic is difficult at best and attempting to force them to be responsible can be very painful. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. We do however have power over our choices and actions . So focusing on what you can do is very important
I really do not have a solution to this serious dilemma but would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend The hotline number is in the white pages and it is here you will receive the support you need to make positive choices in your life.
Could you offer to fill his car up so he can go to work? Personally I found that giving money to the A was futile as it never went to where it was supposed to go. Finally we would fill the car once a week ourselves but we stopped giving cash. And yes, he will blame you because alcoholics are just so good at that game.
Like Betty, I have no suggestion to offer you other than to attend Al-Anon meetings and do the best you can for now with what you have to work with now. Given the reality that the bills are in his name and he probably won't pay the bills with it - whew! He probably will not use the car to look for work either even if there is gas in the car. I spent a whole lot of my time taking my AS to look for work or to work and he'd lose every job or quit it for reasons he thought were the reasons when the real reason was alcoholism - a thing that he was powerless over as I was and chose to quit AA recovery for himself, too. Al-Anon helped me make choices for me that I could live with although very painful to enact at the time. Years later, I'm comfortable with my choices and know that separating myself from him, his disease and the consequences of that disease while working on me and what I could change with the help of the Al-Anon program were the best action steps I could take at the time. There is no easy answer to any of the dilemmas that alcoholism presents and Al-Anon offers us the help and support we need in this one day at a time program. Keep coming back.
I would echo the sentiment that you get to an Al Anon face to face meeting, where you can sit down with others and find out how many similarities are going on between you and others affected by this disease. You can also get a sponsor with whom you could sit and detail what is happening and perhaps help you work through it.
Having said that, I see you have put good boundaries in place given your situation. He only has to pay the things that directly affect him, and he isn't even managing to do that. You may end up wanting to change all the bills into your name if you think you will be paying them anyway. Including the rent. This would also give you some flexibility down the road.
