The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whilst I was on my vacation, I did everything I could to retain serenity. Despite the drama, I made a point to have fun and enjoy myself as much as I could.
It worked. If wasn't for Al-Anon I would have had an awful time.
Coming back home, my H thought everything was fine and he was acting as though we were the happiest couple alive. I had to remind him that it was over, that I had enough and there was no way back.
So he cried, he begged, he pleaded and made promises...I told him my mind was made up and the only reason why I am still living at the same address as him is because I can not afford to just move out at the moment. Everything would be pretty easy if he did (he has somewhere to go to, I don't), but he won't so I need time to save money, find a place, get help from the government and etc...it won't happen overnight. Specially because my main source of income is from a job I do at home (childcare). I need special license and need to be close to the client / school. I can't just up and leave and move.
So, H is pretty tame as he know I am not going to move tomorrow, he is behaving himself. I don't want to relax and get comfortable. He will be back to work on Wednedsya and I know that after a hard day work and pressure everything can change quickly.
He also showed me a chart he did for us before I told him it was over. We have to write 10 changes we each wish the other to make. Then there is some sort of scale where we have to rate each other on feelings like love, trust, attraction, jealousy, respect, etc
I was very surprised and I told him it seems like a very positive action from him that I have never seen him do before however, I don't believe we should change for each other and I am already changing for myself not for him. I may not be able to change the way he wants me to. He should do the same, change for himself not for me. Also, why stay in a relationship where you have to insist upon the other one to change because you can't accept them they way they are? Isn't clear that the match is just not good enough?
Also I told him I don't want to rate him...(how can I rate him 0 when it comes to physical attraction? Won't that be very hurtful?)
Anyway, I am living one day at a time but kind of waiting for the next storm. Meanwhile I am researching my options and making a plan. I just can't get back to the old habit of pretending everything is cool and there is nothing wrong. Can't do this anymore, thanks to Al-Anon.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
A plan b is a great idea, it empowers you and takes away that trapped hopeless feeling. You sound as if you are firmly in reality rather than the pretence that we slip into. Lean on your meetings and other members for support if you can.x
Luiza: I'm going to be blunt. This list thing sounds a big set up for trouble to me. It's one thing if the list is to be comprised of the ways each of you want to change yourselves and how you are going to do that (and 10 at a time would feel like an ambush to me). Its quite another to make a list of how you think the other should change. That sounds to me as if the disease is talking.
Your making a plan for yourself and your life sounds good. Its that list that he proposed that sends about 1,000 red flags up the pole for me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of September 2014 05:46:23 PM
I know the list won't help. That is why I refused to do it. Thank God I am not under the impression I can't change anyone anymore (a part from myself of course).Besides, I told him so many times over the years the changes I wanted him to make and didn't happen so obviously writing it down won't make it happen either.His idea of his just shows me how much more mature and emotionally/spiritually advanced I am comparing to him. It just makes me to want to run even faster.
I wish I could do daily meetings. I can do once a week, sometimes twice, if H comes back home early enough after work.
I was getting really desperate when I realised moving won't be as straight forward as I want. But now I will work step by step towards it, there is help and there is hope. I need to turn my life over to HP and trust. And start believing in miracles.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
(((L))) Good work, sister, and two meetings a week (or one if that is all you can truly make) will help you doing that step by step work towards your goals. I am glad you didn't agree to doing that list at all. Hurrah! Changing ourselves is the only power we have and I'm glad you recognize that and saw the problem in his idea. Whew!
