As I read this what comes to me is this: I have allowed myself to get upset about what other adults are doing with other adults. What I have learned is that other adults can handle their own thoughts, feelings and discomfort without my help unless it is requested. I have also learned that if a person's behavior in relationship to me is troublesome, it is important for me to ask them to meet with me privately for a conversation that is face to face or over the phone. I do have to remember that I am not perfect and that I can make judgments that may be due to facts I simply don't have at my disposal and some of those facts can include me being blind to something I might have done or not done that contributed to a negative relationship that I need to hear and make appropriate amends. In taking the first step towards reconciliation (the other person is usually troubled, too, or they truly don't have an understanding of how their behavior impacts other), I have no expectations of the other and I am fully aware that there might not be a "meeting of the minds," but I have done my part.

I have also learned that I won't and don't have to like every person in my groups and they won't and don't have to like me. What I do have to do according to my own value system is at least try to talk openly and honestly with the person whose behavior affects me negatively and I must be willing to hear them out, too. Talk things over, reason things out is a program principle and I have found it helps to practice it even with folks who are stepping on my toes or seem to have a resentment towards me. If the other person reacts or responds negatively unless I've contributed to their reaction in some way (which normally doesn't happen), their reaction is none of my business. My business is to do what I would want done in relationship to me.

There are some meetings I didn't attend - one due to a person I sense is very dangerous and the group wasn't strong enough to deal with him; another due to a situation that I wasn't directly involved in and chose not to become directly involved because of the harm it could have caused an innocent person. Both situations were one of those "bigger than me" kinds of things and I chose to attend other meetings for awhile. I could and have easily returned to the meetings since the membership and the situations have changed since I made my decision to miss those meetings for awhile.

I don't think leaving Al-Anon altogether would have been in my best interest. On-line is good as a supplement to our meetings and I won't do on-line alone since face to face is where we truly do practice program with others in an up close and personal manner most of the time.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 31st of August 2014 07:23:53 PM

Aloha Zeroh and welcome to the board.  The MIP Family is much much less contentious for me than the face to face groups so being here is very supportive of the recovery I have enjoyed.  My relationship with people in the program comes from a lot of learning and practice along with compassion and empathy which are important for me cause if I don't use those two I end up using fear tactics and its behaviors.  I do fight instead of flight and because of that have had to learn how to fight fair mostly that being with the understanding of where the "other" member comes from; basically the same sick origins I was born and raised in.  I have never liked the fight and fight fair tools and still I use them with care otherwise the Al-Anon member can exercise the same behaviors the alcoholics and addicts did in my life before program.  I can change the process and relationship with a simple "Stop" or as has already been mentioned "come lets sit and talk about some stuff".  I am a former (still) behavioral therapist and so when someone is attempting "manipulation and control" tactics with me I can go into diagnosis quite quickly and make the situation involved.   I like the slogan "keep it simple" as that is best and for me to do that I have to be in the right program with the right intentions looking for the best consequences.  Power and control tactics are easy to see and hear from the Al-Anon fellowship...those tactics which we attempted to use on the alcoholic we also attempt at times to use with others.  They obviously didn't work then and will not work now.  I am not leaving the fellowship because of another persons lack of Tradition practice and for me this is about the traditions because it involves two members so I can take the opportunity to turn my back and walk away...saying what I mean, meaning what I'm saying and trying to not say any of it mean or attempting a 12th step or therapy session.  HP is always with us...HP gets to decide and supervise me along with my sponsor.   Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))

I would raise it at a group conscious meeting. She may be presenting you with practice. Detach with love, courage to change the things you can. If all else fails another meeting  may be the answer. Online is good but not enough for me, I tend to isolate and online encourages this for me.