I need advice please before I go nuts! :( :( please - Al-Anon Family Group

Yazzymedo86 · Member

I need advice please before I go nuts! :( :( please

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't tell you if you're doing the right thing for you. I can say that ultimatums seldom work, boundaries we set for ourselves are moveable, changeable, and that it takes awhile in the program to learn the difference between setting a boundary and sticking to it for ourselves and uttering ultimatums with the expectation the other will follow through on what we want to see happen. Refusing to check up on him and enabling him by giving him money if you have earned it sound like reasonable choices for you to make today.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Yasman I do understand and can identify with your situation and feelings It is not unusual for an alcoholic to walk out of hospitals or rehabs ,my son would do this regularly after a week or so there. It is painful and difficult for everyone.

I made many decisons not to help him but could never follow it up. That was when I picked up my alanon tools in earnest and found how to continue to love him and take care of myself. What a gift !!!

I am pleased that you reached out and shared. Alcoholism is a dreadful, fatal, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Even if we are powerless over the disease we are not helpless. The best we can do with the situation is to seek out a program of recovery and support for ourselves. Al-Anon and MIP can be that support group. Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, learning new constructive tools to live by will not only help to replace the anger, resentment self pity and fear that come from living with this disease but will also help you to regain your self-esteem, your self-worth and focus.

Al-Anon is a worldwide organization and since I'm not sure what country you're in I cannot direct you to a hotline number. We do have online meetings here several times a day here is the schedule and the access link. I urge you to keep coming back there is hope and help

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Yazzy,

((((Hugs)))), it is difficult isn't it, but from what you have written in your post I would like to salute your awareness and good sense.

You said 'I told him he was not a child and he can do whatever he wants but he has to be ready to handle the consequences'. I have to say, it took me years to arrive at that realisation and to have the power to say it. Thank you for the reminder because I remember that when I reached that point it was a huge relief for me. I also turn that sentence around and apply it to myself from time to time. It is a reminder to take care of my own needs and to live life in a way that makes me feel good about myself at the end of the day.

I hope that the 5th graders provide a positive distraction. You are not alone.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome dear one, you are doing wonderful. Allowing him the dignity to make his own decisions is perfect. He has a right to make his own decisions, as you do.

You made a boundary about leaving him if he chooses not to go back right? So we must stick to our boundaries or they mean nothing. The disease loves it when we are wishy washy as it has control then.

Not all of us choose to live with this disease. But if we do there are tools you can learn to see if you want to stay in the relationship. Most the time people cannot live with an A. From what I have seen, A's stay longer with another A.

I am sad you are having such a hard time. Being a teacher is a great career but very hard when we are dealing with an A!

What I did was only think about work at work. I taught sp ed and was a tutor for all kids. I especially liked my gang type kids.

Anyway keep coming, your thought processes sound good. If you can give yourself what you need to be ok. Treat yourself kindly.

hugs honey, debilyn

Yazzymedo86 · Member

Thank you all so much for you're response. It is so hard to talk to anyone here, since I am in a different country. I know how manipulative he can be. I also know he knows what my weak points are. I did tell him what I needed to say very calmly. I know in order for me to expect change, I have to change my own behavior and actions. I don't think I can last any longer. Dealing with him has been exhausting. It is very hard being a teacher, because I have such a hard time sleeping and concentrating when I am at work.

He keeps using such dramatic excuses. Is drama a part of this disease? I haven't called to check up on him all day today, and this is the first time I ever do this. I am proud of myself. I hope I can stick with it. I have to keep reminding myself I have no control.

Thank you all again so much

:)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yasmen-- Yes drama, chaos and confusion are all part of the insanity of the disease. That is why we need support .
Keep taking care of you.

Yazzymedo86 · Member

Didn't sleep much last night. I haven't heard from my husband until now. I'm just hoping I can focus on work.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Yaz it sounds like you have your head still on straight and can still remain in reality. Took me a long time to be able to express a clear awareness and response as you have done here. Maybe you teach it to the kids and are including him in the lessons. Drama absolutely. Expect it and it will not surprise you. It is well known that when the alcoholic is into the addiction they stop growing on all levels and drama is one of the expressions. I hope the drama doesn't get dangerous for either of you. You got a lot of very valuable feed back already including the on-line meeting times here. Hope you can make those. Check into afgwso.org and click on the literature page...the literature in the program CAL (Conference Approved Literature) is priceless in help and support. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs)))) smile

Yazzymedo86 · Member

Thank you all for you're response . My husband is an addict and he was doing so well and really growing. He finally came home today when I was back from work. He was so cold and obnoxious. I asked hi. What he was planning on doing about returning to work. He told me that was none of my business. He also told me I was wrong. I assumed he didn't have money which is probably the only reason he would come home.

It hurts so bad for me to not give him anything. I always feel he is going to find someone else to take care of him. I am trying so hard to stay strong. Please pray for me.

You're words are very encouraging and I know I can no longer enable him if I want him to get out of this hole he is in.

Wish me luck

Yasmen

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Just remember most Addicts/Alcoholics are cold,obnoxious, mad and blame the people around them because of THEIR failures and don't want to take on the responsibly and need the out.

Be kind and love him but don't give him a out when he relapses. Let him own it completely.

((( hugs )))

Yazzymedo86 · Member

How do I be kind and love him and not enable him? It's so confusing. :(

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't have to enable to be kind and love someone. You don't need to tell him your going to stay calm...just stay calm. You don't need to deal with him went he's off...let him be. When he's bring you into the fight don't go there and just say no I don't want to say anything but I love you and take care of yourself. If you want, enable by take care of you, your home and let him know your are OK. Kindness sometimes is letting go and letting him deal with his problems...let him work it out no matter how bad it gets.

Sometimes letting them suffer is the true love they need to seek help.

Yazzymedo86 · Member

I am trying my best but I know he is using me weakness and trying to hurt me. I keep worrying that he will never reach rock bottom, or he will find someone else to take care of him :(

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yasmen, Your fears and anxieties are all part of the "disease" we develop as a result of living with this disease. Please try to attend meetings for the support you so need.

Being powerless over alcoholism frees us to begin to take care of our needs, wants and dreams. He may never hit bottom, you are correct and waiting around for him to do so is a waste of a life.

Focusing on living your life to the best of your ability, being kind and courteous to all while nurturing yourself is a true gift to give yourself. You count!!!! Your life (unattached to him ) must be considered and cared for .
Keep coming back

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Worrying that he will "find someone else to take care of him" is a stumbling block right there. Do you really want to care take a grown man for the rest of your life...in this relationship? If you believe caretaking in ways that a person should be able to care for themselves is normal, then I suggest really digging into Alanon. If he does find someone else when you stop "caretaking"/enabling, then the relationship is based on his neediness and not mature love. Hence, whether or not he finds someone else to enable, it's kind of selfish to caretake for someone and keep them childlike and needy just because you are afraid of losing them. So...it is more loving to let him go whether that means no enabling...or let the relationship go. Why are you so afraid of losing him? Sounds like he doesn't do much for you now. That is also something to work on. For me, that fear of letting go of a relationship (even a bad relationship) was rooted in sickness and codependency on my part.

Yazzymedo86 · Member

You are all so right!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't take care of my husband which was a bone of contention between us. I didn't want to be his mother. I did want to be his partner and that, too, became a bone of contention between us since I couldn't trust him on many levels. I finally saw that who I wanted to be in relationship to a man was never going to happen with him and this insight came after 8 years of living in an abusive marriage with a man who I realized later hated women beginning with his mother. His alcoholism and drug addiction just made his issues worse. My staying and thinking I could change him made my issues worse. Of course, I didn't see all this prior to our marriage and once I did and could work through the fact that although I'd made my vows in a church, it could be very possible that God did not join us together but our underlying issues did. When I took my focus off him and put it on myself and my own issues, I was able to start to live life again with a lot of freedom and a lot of joy and he had nothing to do with that either way. My issues were there long before I met him as were his. Focusing on me and changing what I could about me helped me move through my own self-imposed prison. I'm sending you lots of encouragement and support as you enter recovery for yourself and discover what holds you back and what makes you beautiful and worthy, too.

Yazzymedo86 · Member

You guys are all so wonderful. I went away with a friend for a few days. I wanted to clear my mind. He called me the first day and became extremely angry and I think he was just doing that because this is the first time I let go and put myself first. We need to sit and talk because he is ignoring th fact that we have a huge problem.

I know I have to stay strong nws stick to my boundaries. I do not plan on giving him any money, but his mother is enabling him.

What are other ways I can avoid enabling him because I am a bit confused on how to love him and let go without enabling.

Do I make sure he has ate? Like what happens if he is sick. Should I avoid talking to him completely. Until I build up the courage to ask him to leave the house?

Thank you for all you're advice.

Yasmen

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things we learn to do in Al-Anon is to detach. One of the ways we detach is to allow our loved ones the dignity to do what they can do for themselves. He is an adult who can feed himself if he's hungry or to skip eating because he's been drinking. "Sick" can mean a lot of things with an alcoholic and I don't think there is a one way fits all circumstances? Refusing to talk to him again has multiple answers to fit each situation. If my loved one is drinking, drugging, screaming, yelling, cursing or looking for a fight, I refuse to engage or to listen. We all have to come to our own answers for what works for us in creating boundaries for ourselves since each of us will experience the consequences of those decisions when we act upon them. Boundaries are for us and not for the alcoholic. Al-Anon at its World Service Office website offers free literature that can be downloaded and printed. There is a brochure available on detachment, Just for Today program ideas, the Merry-go-Round Named Denial and others. All of that literature can make a big difference for us in addition to going to meetings. Keep coming back here, too.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.