The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I always find that sharing with you all helps me to clarify my thoughts and I always feel better afterwards. My mind is reeling again. I had moved to my own place, have found a happy life for myself, its only been a few months. I still love my AH, very much. He has asked me to come see him, and I did. It was good. (not magic, but good enough I was relaxed). He was trying not to drink but putting off his commitment over the weekend to take his librium. I asked him what he was waiting for? He decided to take it Saturday instead of Monday. Wow. I supposed that I had refilled my sanity by being on my own with my own thoughts so I comfortably stayed with him until about thursday morning. I had an activity planned and went on my way. But the chaos that comes with two minds not deep in recovery was stirring. It blew up in my own face that evening when *I* was getting ready to leave for my DEEPLY needed "Family group" meeting of addicts and my own Alanon meeting. He said something that just ticked me off. And I began to argue with him. Needless to say he argued right back, later apologizing for antagonizing me because I was right (at least in concept I was right, although I am having a hard time understanding my emotions).
I realize that when I am away from him I am peaceful. But I am NOT recovered! and it kinda pisses me off! I do not want to be this way! lol I mean really. I am pretty ticked off but at the same time, there is really nothing I can do about it. [Well, there is..and its alanon] I have caught my own disease and I can't escape it. It lays dormant for a while and then rears its big FAT head when I am at my weakest.
I have all kinds of negative feeling towards my AH for all that he has done and all that he has put me through, and in a way I do still blame him for (some) of the chaos in my head. For example, friends came to visit for the holiday. (I left again..too stressed out). In the back of my mind I kinda think they talk trash about me, I told him this and he encouraged me that no thats not true they want me to come visit, and that it is in my head. Which it is. no doubt about it. BUT BUT BUT I feel like the reason it is there is because the last time they came to visit he flat out TOLD ME (lied) that they thought I was awful. SO I recognize that I have misinformed negative thoughts in my head, but I stlll hold a bit of a GRUDGE against him for putting it there.
I have come sososososo far in my recovery, there is no doubt about it. But I do slip, because I am human I suppose. So on top of this anger and resentment and mistrust and BLAME of my AH (whom I want to rebuild a relationship with), I have anger and resentment and frustration at myself. It is like having an out of body experience. I can see this other side of myself that I just flat out DO NOT want to be like...I see her doing all of these dumb things. Its like "stop, it" but I am compelled to be chaotic. BLEGH.
Well at least I am smart enough and courageous enough to Ditch the weekend plans that would be stressful, to take care of myself (thank you Alanaon!). And my higher power has taken it upon Himself to (finally) get me started working the steps with a sponsor. My group began working a steps workbook a few weeks before I came back, and one of the lovely women (that I feel best about) has offered to meet with me to work through it. He is so gentle with me.
Thank you for letting me share.
-- Edited by sadsusie on Saturday 30th of August 2014 10:44:21 AM
I can really relate to your post. We are often our most harsh critics. But I wanted to say that what this reads like to me is a woman very in love with her partner, able to acknowledge & recognise her mistakes and committed to making herself better! All of that is pretty inspirational to me! Keep working that program! X
Sadsusie, you are writing and describing my life's story. The chaos always catches my off guard and sends my world in a tail spin of doubt and anger, especially when my AH starts berating and beating me up on a personal level. The Al-Anon teachiings of loving detachment, my HP and the sharing of this boards membership and serviceworkers have saved my sanity!! Thank you for sharing and you are not alone!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I understand completely. I am separated from my AH. I still try to convince myself we can go out and have dinner or do other activities and get along. It only lasts a few days then we sink back into relationship chaos. I need to work the program too. My AH doesnt think he needs AA. Its hard. I know.
Hi sadsusie. I know exactly what you are saying. I slip a lot and IF I don't work my program every day, I find some of that same ole distorted, sick thinking slipping back in on me. The resentment and anger can find its way back into my life so easily, and I literally have to back up and tell myself to STOP. You were aware of what was happening, and you took steps to take care of you. GOOD FOR YOU! Thank you for sharing. We are all in this together with a common goal>>finding serenity and living more healthy lives.
((hugs))
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I sense that space and time between you guys is healing. However, in most circumstances when something is damaged, hurt, or broken, it is human nature to spend time trying to fix it, to focus on it, and spend time on it. It is counter-intuitive that perhaps the most healing thing for your marriage is time apart. I sounds like you guys both need to work on self more and for longer and that, at the moment, you can only be healthy around each other in small doses. That is okay...
It also sounds like your recovery is more advanced than his of course and that is frustrating. Time apart is not going to necessarily heal the marriage because you are powerless over whether he chooses to work recovery during your apart time, but it is something that can help heal you. And...if he does choose recovery - he will need lots of time (months or maybe a year or two) to work intensely on himself so that, if you do move back in together this time, it will be as two adults that can each take care of themselves....Not one adult that over-cares for the other, and one man-child that runs around like a playboy/juvenile delinquent, hanging out with thugs while drinking and using and you are like the scolding parent with the business and the job that he uses to meet his needs while bent on self-destruction (ick). He will need a long time to settle into adulthood if he chooses recovery.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of August 2014 07:33:39 AM
Hi Sad Susie You are doing well and thanks for your honesty and share. I found that the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that I felt towards my husband and myself lifted when I worked the 4 th to the 10 Step, You have shared a big part of your 4th step here so you are on your way.
Progress not perfection. Keep on showing up
I noticed that the more program work I did, the less I could tolerate being around "all things alcohol." Not just in my loved ones but in me. Growing uncomfortable with some of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors and making the changes that were within my power to make for me helped me see the benefits to working the program and leaving my loved ones to do it for themselves or not. If I keep entering into situations that are harmful to me, I notice that the fight or flight response happens frequently. If I stay away from situations or people who are using, I experience myself and life so differently. I like seeing how comfortable you are in your own skin and how easily you are able to craft your life into one you are both proud of and content within.
