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the STBAX would go away. We had another awful interchange actually I was out of it .. this was between him and our daughter. That kid is so her mother's daughter and he brought it on himself. She did REALLY well considering. Now he's managed to alienate the kids completely and they don't want to go on visitation at all .. I'm not going to force the issue at this point .. he's not following my boundary about the car .. what do you know .. he didn't follow through on getting it registered in him name this last week. I hope that woman knows what she's doing and what kind of financial mess he's in, especially when all of the fines start rearing up and I speculate that's what has happened and WHY he can't register the car. After all as everyone knows you have to have a title to register a car.
I'm sooo proud of myself because I stayed out of it and let her handle it. I trust her to handle it however so much is so much more than she should have to deal with and the manipulation on his part is just scary. The level of denial he's in ranks right with the manipulation .. he's desperate to convince someone else that .. so I'm back to Step 1 and making sure that I'm just letting it go. The kids safety isn't a question so really there is nothing to say about it. I DO NOT want him using the kids in this way. He got a taste of it in terms of his desperation to make sure he causes friction in my house. It's not going to happen.
Something I realized is that I'm trying to rationalize with a very irrational person. After all if I say the right words .. if I say the right thing .. he is going to see reason .. ok .. who is sounding like the crazy person now? I know better big time. So I have chosen not to respond.
My girl is convinced he's back to drinking. She may be right based upon the crazy conversation I had with him earlier in the week about the ticket and registering the car .. again that HE brought up and doesn't want to address the issues when they are presented to him. I told her let him shine his own special crazy and let him dig himself his own hole. We do NOT have to participate in the digging. This reminds me of the analogy I used a LONG time ago and I could picture him digging his own grave literally (I'm sure this has something to do with my working at a funeral home that's why I have this imagery) and screaming at the shovel as he digs it. That's exactly what is happening .. I just feel so sorry for him really .. he could make it so easy on himself and just absolutely creates more issues for himself and runs around blaming everyone else.
The tantrum throwing that he is doing is unreal. King baby doesn't cover it considering what he threw at my girl .. it didn't stick and THAT is a good thing. She just dodged it and responded respectfully however called him out. He's very angry about the boundary of the car, and he's now unable to fulfill his part of it and that's what I have to stand in .. I stand in my truth .. my boundary and my knowing what is and isn't ok. I'm only responsible for what I say .. I'm not responsible for how he takes the information in and processes it. He's a very sick man and that's his issue not mine at this point. I do lack compassion for him and I'm ok with that at this point because it's less confusing with what needs to happen next .. I will work towards that part of the program at some point just not today. There is also the issue that he forged my name to the title to sell the truck. NOW I get to deal with that .. UGH.
The one thing I think now needs to happen is the kids now need to address the issues in terms of stating their truth to him about not wanting to see him and why. He is not going to listen so for them to have a low expectation of him actually hearing them. At least if they speak their truth that will be a good thing. They can say in their own words what IS and is not ok. He lives in a world where they either tell me everything or they tell me nothing .. so it is as if he's actively drinking with his response. It's like I told my daughter it really is none of our business what he does on his own time .. even though it's illegal by the courts for him to be currently drinking at all. That's just not our problem he will have to deal with the courts on that issue.
I just pray my atty gets the dang offer in the mail already!! Looking daily for a court date!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Special prayers for both your son and your daughter as they navigate this terrain with their Dad. Many prayers for you and for him, too, Serenity. Standing your ground on the registered car issue isn't easy and good that you are given all the ramifications of his driving somebody else's car and possibly drinking, too.
What was REALLY scary about the whole issue of his dialog is his lack of information in terms of what is and isn't going on with the kids. Of course when he talks to me there is never any mention of how they are doing it is ALWAYS about some crisis issue he's created for himself. I laughed to myself as he exclaimed your mom needs to stop living in the past .. umm .. the current tickets on the car he no longer owns because it's totaled have NOT been dealt with so I'm NOT talking about past issues .. past issues are RESOLVED issues .. if it's open it's current. It doesn't matter what year it happened in .. get it resolved and he'll be right .. I will be living in the past. My daughter had the best comment to me about that issue .. and said OMGOSH MOM .. if he would just DO what he needs to do we wouldn't be living in purgatory hell at the moment OF COURSE WE are dealing with the past because HE refuses to acknowledge the past in HIS life he doesn't want anyone else bringing it up. She's spot on without question.
He also pulled the whole you never contact me and she said nicely .. Dad, you contacted me the second day of school (he thought it was the first day) and I contacted you back so saying that I never contact you is not true. Now I do not initiate contact as we have already had this conversation multiple times that is on YOU. This is absolutely the case and why she chooses not to initiate contact as he would leave it 100% up to her and that's not happening after he just flat out disappeared the way he did. He's going to have to earn the trust back. Plus .. it's not like he even asks her how school is.
I'm absolutely not going to buy into the manipulation of what he's pulling now .. and that's a good thing. I'm just glad the kids aren't either.
I am ready to move on .. however I have boundaries, .. I am going to hold him accountable for his actions or lack of .. AND so are the kids. He doesn't have to like it .. however so not my issue. It's definitely NOT the kids issues and I will not allow them to be used in this way so I told my daughter if the texting gets to be bad we will and can block his number so he is forced to go through me to contact them. It's all very legal and I have a right to do. If they don't want to talk to him or have contact with him .. he can't force them to.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It's what you said in the previous post: Trying to have a reasonable conversation with an unreasonable disease - impossible. I am glad your daughter has learned to say what is true for her and not let the disease confuse her. My daughter could see what was going on with her Dad most of the time. My son could not. He was confused a lot. Sad stuff for kids to have to endure and good they have you to rely on.
I think for my son it IS harder because he's younger and hasn't always seen this side of his dad and now the freak flag is flying. He sees it, however it doesn't mean he's not confused. There is a LOT he doesn't remember or wasn't a part of when it happened so that part is hard on him. He got angry last night because both my daughter and I tried to protect him from what was going on. He had a right NOT to be pleased with us .. lol. I did laugh to myself and go .. well you have very smart kids and they know themselves better than I do. So we talked today and I did ask him how does it make you feel to know this about your dad? You are right you have a right to know however as the parent I have to be able to draw a boundary about what you need to know vs what you think you want to know. He agreed and said it didn't make him feel good about his dad and I told him that's not the goal .. the goal is to understand and accept, and not to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I think that helped however he's a wise little man and he sees far more than I know at times. I also told him there are MANY times he only hears a smidge of the story and fills in the rest on his own. That is NOT a good thing either. So it's ok to question understanding that maybe he doesn't know the whole story either.
I'm so grateful for the kids and their understanding of the situation. It is hard on them .. I do not like that they have to deal with this .. then I realize there are a lot of crazy behavior out there that they have coping skills adults don't have and they are healthy coping skills.
I have been going back to that statement this afternoon and I'm grateful for that awareness and the laughter that came out of it ..umm .. DUH .. hellloooo .. LOL! I get irritated at myself .. I'm soo grateful for the therapist the kids see .. she reminded me quickly .. umm what are you doing .. LOL!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
