Hi, I'm new - Al-Anon Family Group

Cat lady · Member

Hi, I'm new

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cat lady, welcome to Miracles in Progress. I'm glad that you reached out for support and I appreciate that you could share your concerns with such clarity and honesty. Since you are concerned with another's drinking. I would like to suggest that the Al-Anon recovery program would be very helpful.

In Al-Anon we believe that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. Many of us living with the disease become irritable and unreasonable trying to force solutions and we need a program of recovery in order to regain our self-esteem and learn to focus our energy on ourselves and our well-being

AA is the recovery program for people who have difficulty drinking and Al-Anon is the recovery program for the family members.

It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, , live one day at a time ,take constructive actions for my life and to trust that there is a Higher Power that can guide my life jnto making right choices right decisions. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.

Please keep coming back and connecting there is hope and you're not alone

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Cat lady and welcome.
I can relate to you specially the part when you say you feel as though you are living with a teenager and that you are not sure if your husband is an alcoholic or not.

I am new to Al-Anon but I can tell you that regardless of the label you or other people put on your husband, if his drinking is affecting you, then you may find Al-Anon very helpful indeed.
Find a face to face meeting near you and see for yourself. Please report back.
Take care

Cat lady · Member

Thank you for the responses. I will look into a meeting, but it is so difficult to attend anything like that as I work nights and weekends. :( I'll have to research locations/times to see what I can manage and have my spouse not know where I'm going.

Luiza · Senior Member

Here where I am there are meetings in the morning, afternoon and evening.
Hope you find a meeting that you can attend.
For me it is hard to go to meetings. I don't drive for start, so it always involve bus journeys, sometimes two buses to go and two to get back (like today) or I have to use train/subway.
I have a small daughter and my husband work shifts, I work too, so trying to fit a meeting on my spare time can be challenging, but it is totally worth it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Cat Lady
We have 2 on- line meetings here each day .
Here is the schedule and the link to the chat room

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat RoomMeetings

9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CL and welcome to MIP. Most of us here are living or have lived with what you are living with now. Regardless of whether or not he has a drinking problem, it's obvious his drinking is affecting you. Al-Anon can help you find YOU in all the insane mess. I suggest focus on getting you help. Sometimes those of us living with active drinkers don't realize just how distorted our thinking has become or how unmanageable our lives have become. Al-Anon can help you find your way out of the "fog."

I noticed that you don't want your husband to know where you are going when attending your meetings. Is he abusive? Are you afraid he will be abusive if he finds out?

Thank care of you.

((hugs))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. Glad you're here. I hope you attend meetings for your sake and come back here, too. Its a nasty disease and we need the support and help of others who are going through it and learning how to work the Al-Anon program for themselves. There is hope and there is help available in Al-Anon.

Cat lady · Member

No, he is absolutely not abusive. I am grateful for that. He just won't discuss his drinking in any capacity because he doesn't think he should have to give something up that is a "hobby" and it causes huge arguments. If he knows I'm going to this because I "created an issue that doesn't exist" it will create more arguments and tension that, honestly, I just can't deal with.

Thank you for the info on the online meetings.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of meth addicts cook up meth in meth labs in their house. I guess by the same logic, they are not addicts as they just have a "hobby" of cooking meth. I'm only highlighting this so that you see how insane the disease is. A diagnosis of alcoholism is usually self-made because, every person in the world could tell a person they are an alcoholic and it won't matter until they believe it. Clinically speaking, alcohol abuse and dependence are defined by continuing to drink despite negative consequences (marital problems, dui, financial problems), excessive amounts of time and money spent on alcohol, other people telling you that you have a problem, not taking care of responsibilities due to alcohol....those types of things. You are certainly describing enough of those symptoms that there does appear to be a problem. You are not "imagining" or making a big deal out of nothing and this is far beyond "a hobby." A person could be a brewer or have a winery and drink one or two drinks at a time and stop. Then it would be a safe hobby. If a person drinks to excess and has the consequences that you describe surrounding their drinking, they are an alcoholic with a hobby that is probably the worst thing for them.

Alanon has many tools for you and I would encourage you to go to meetings. I know it stinks to feel like you can't go because he'd get upset that you are "creating an issue" that to him "doesn't exist." However, to you, this is a problem and that is all that matters. Hence, your response could be "It's not because of it being a problem for you. It's for me." This is your life and the things you might learn in alanon could save your sanity. I'm hearing some of the chaos that is typical in alcoholic marriages with the checking, and obsessing, and snooping on him on your part and also the bullying, lying, and justification on his part. Active alcoholics in denial will always bully and justify that they don't have a problem. The also attempt to hold you hostage to their problem so that the disease stays protected. Bullying and intimidating you to not reach out for support is another symptom of alcoholism. If he didn't have a drinking problem and if it didn't exist, then he shouldn't have an issue with you going to alanon meetings for you. Fact is, he does have a problem, doesn't want you calling it a problem and is pulling typical alcoholic bullying and hostage taking behaviors (making you hostage to their disease and calling you "crazy" for even suggesting it s a problem).

Rather than fall deeper into this pattern, I suggest going to Alanon for you...It's not because of him that you go...it's for you to cope, get support, not feel isolated and trapped....

Cat lady · Member

Oh, pinkchip, you have no idea how much your words meant. I do often feel like maybe I did create an issue but then the bills show it. I've started documenting things here and there not for anyone other than myself to prove that I'm not creating things in my head. I have a physical next week and was considering seeking anti-depressants so I can cope better because I am honestly so unhappy.

Thank you all again.

Robean · Member

Hi, Cat Lady. PLEASE go to a face to face meeting. Your husband and mine are very similar - he is not abusive, but he DOES have an alcohol problem (although he does not think so). I don't hide the fact that I go to meetings, but I don't "throw it in his face" either. When he has gotten defensive about it, I told him that I was tired of being angry all the time about his drinking, and I was going to AlAnon to find some peace. And oddly enough, this turned out to be true. Initially, I went so I could find some "secret way" to "make" him stop drinking (no such thing exists), but now I really do go to help me manage MY behavior and reactions to his drinking. He has since quit getting defensive, and I think he plays a "denial" game with himself that I am just kinda nutty and going to a "support group" or something. The thing is, it doesn't really matter what he thinks about it. It matters that _I_ have peace, and that _I_ am not upset and angry and worried all the time. I used to worry that I would have to decide to leave him once things got "bad enough". That may be the case someday. However, I have no way to predict exactly what "bad enough" is, nor can I predict if and when things will get there. I have decided to wake up each morning and ask myself, "Do I want/need to leave today?" If the answer is no (which so far it has been), then I accept that and stay for that day. If I ever wake up and the answer is yes, I will deal with that when the time comes. I know that I have the resources and capability to make it on my own if I ever DO decide it is time to leave. But I'm done trying to predict the future and worry about when/if I will make that decision. "One day at a time" is a really helpful slogan. Also, I like the AlAnon info on "detachment". It is possible to detach from someone and still live with them and love them. We are not supposed to give advice, but I am going to give you some anyway: find yourself a face to face AlAnon meeting. Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether or not to continue. AlAnon won't provide answers for you (sorry!), but you WILL find a way to peace and serenity.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Just wanted to add to the welcoming. Please keep coming back. As far as Alanon meetings, I hope you have luck finding some daytime ones. I have a few favorites that I make a part of my routine on days I'm off from work. They don't just happen at night. Glad you found us. TT

Cat lady · Member

Thank you

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Cat Lady,

This is a wonderful place and I'm so pleased that you've joined us. MIP has helped me so much, to be able to communicate with others who so completely understand what is going on is a fantastic step. I've spent many a night worrying about whether or not I am going crazy, questioning the reality of what is going on. Alanon has helped me to unravel these thoughts and it has also helped me to find ways to take better care of myself. I hope that you will stay with us, and also find a local meeting if you can - I remember the first time I walked into a meeting and was enveloped in the love, acceptance and understanding of others. Take good care of yourself - you deserve a few treats!

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Cat Lady:

You've had some wonderful responses; you will feel lots of support here from people who understand your situation because we have lived or are living it. Meetings are highly recommended; I also would not tell my now EXH about them, then I wouldn;t make a production of it but would tell him I was going for my own support (which is true). THe online meetings here twice daily are also very helpful and are convenient when getting to a face to face is difficult.

Keep coming back--you are not alone.

Mary

NL14 · Veteran Member

Hi Cat Lady,

Welcome to MIP. You'll find lots of help and support here, as you already have. Like you, I had to "prove" to myself that my husband had a drinking problembecause I thought that I was the crazy one, that I was creating an issue that wasn't there, that it was just my problem. I started journaling his moods (not my own, but his! how nuts is that? keeping a journal for someone else...sigh) then at one point listed day-by-day how many drinks he had (that I knew of). This did two things...it did prove to me that he drank A LOT...and it proved to me that I was just as sick as he was...and that I needed help...which is what got me to Al-Anon and MIP. I still struggle with thinking that it's all my problem (especially because, like yours, my AH denies that he has a problem and turns everything around on me...says it's my perspective from growing up with an alcoholic mother, that I'm over-sensitive and a control freak, and that--wait for it--instead of worrying about his drinking I should drink more!) but I'm learning and getting healthier and stronger with the help of Al-Anon.

Of course, none of us can tell you what to do. But as others have said, if your H's drinking is a problem to you...then it's a problem. No need to label it. And Al-Anon can help you with that problem.

Keep coming back!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha CatLady...I love reading the responses and support you got from the MIP family because this is what I also received when I first arrived at the doors of Al-Anon. Self doubt is one of the largest stumbling blocks for those who are negatively affected by someone else's drinking. Its okay to face it as it is not a sign that any of us are "less than" in anyway. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease at the start for us novices and then when we start learning about it and how it has affected our lives often with our own permission it looses its power. Alcoholism is abusive in every aspect; to the drinker and to those associated with the drinker. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and affects everything it comes into contact with. While you invest your best into the relationship he invest deeply into the disease. That he is so "hooked" into the disease is a sign how much it "owns" him and it will try to own you and the rest of the family also. Keep coming back here to read and post; to learn and to change the things you can to get better outcomes. He's got an affair going with the booze and booze gives to him that which you cannot. If he tries to moderate or stop it will even cause him pain that too often the alcoholic will continually attempt to drink out of. I won't work. As it has already been mentioned...this is a progressive (always gets worse never better) and fatal disease. I learned that my alcoholic/addict had but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. She finally chose sobriety last time I looked after we had lost everything. Thank God for Al-Anon...I was able to save my self and my sanity with the program. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.