The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just feeling sad tonight and recognizing my urges to use other people to feel good about myself and validate myself, mostly other men who apparently, according to my sick psyche, are the most important people out there to tell me just how worthy I am or am not.
I'm in a situation right now where I feel like someone is showing me exactly who he is after I've slowly tied many, many threads, one at a time to this person. He's not an A, amazingly enough, but he IS an emotionally unavailable person. At least unavailable in the way I feel I want it most. Not his fault. He just is who he is, but lately it's been even more clear how unavailable he is and it's throwing me into an emotional spin.
"He doesn't want me. He doesn't love me. He's probably seeing someone and just won't tell me. Screw him. I'll just blow him off like I feel he's been blowing me off. We're just friends anyway. Whatever. Oh, he's talking to me? He DOES want me. Oh... never mind, he's back to being distant again."
My big problem in all of this is my denial through it all. I thought I could try to stay platonic with this person, but my core illness already stacked him on the "soulmate" shelf with a little sign that says "one day..."
I'm upset. I want to jump out of my skin I'm so uncomfortable with these feelings right now. I want my denial to just SHUT UP and stop leading me into these situations that only leave me feeling the way I am right now.
Ironically enough I'm on my 6th step... been praying to HP to help me to be ready to have my defects of character removed. Prayers answered, huh? Wish I could feel joyous and grateful about it, but right now i just want to give HP a big middle-finger.
Aloha: This might sound strange to you based on what you've just shared and this is what repeatedly comes to me in reading your share: Are you feeling afraid of being in a relationship? Could you be pushing him away? Is it him who is emotionally distancing or is it you because you're familiar with that and not with intimacy in relationship to a man? Or could it be a contributory thing? Where both of you might be afraid in some ways?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 23rd of August 2014 03:02:10 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 23rd of August 2014 03:10:37 AM
I could write a novel on all the fears I have. Undoubtedly fear is there, but I have had a conversation with this man in the past, asking if he was wanting something more - and at that time quite a long time ago, we both said we really didn't know what either of us wanted.
I've made it clear to him that I care about him a lot, but yes, I won't tell him I want more because of two reasons: 1. I'm a basket case and I'm unsure if what I want really IS good for he and I or not so I generally won't let myself "go there." 2. I only seem to "go there" in my mind when I feel things are drifting apart and then somehow it's a relationship that I want because why else would I behave this way. But at this point I fear rejection so I won't say anything.
I so value this man's friendship, but when he becomes distant and throws off what has been predictable routine to me, I end up going through the aforementioned emotions.
My locking down is like one of those other reactions to a scary situation. People say it's always "fight or flight" - for me it's "freeze"... shut down - don't say anything... if i don't say anything then I at least don't risk being hurt, rejected, let down because of what I had to say.
I have been with those distant men, for sure, and I have put them on the soulmate shelf with the "One day" sign, unquestionably! Love that image.
In every case, after huge pain, I get to a point where I think, "I wish I had listened to what my instincts were telling me early on. This man is not available and I keep throwing myself at him." Every time he'd let down the barriers I'd take it as a sign that "He's changed! He'll be available from now on!" But every episode just served to get me hooked with hope and excitement before he put the barriers back up.
Realizing it early in the game is the most essential thing. It sounds as if you're at that spot! So hard to turn away from the struggle - but so protective! I wish I had seen what you're seeing now so clearly.
Mmmmm, this resonates with me! I did a lot of reading about Transactional Analysis, which is a study of relationship types, and this helped me to spot the games that I play with others in my life. Being a specific type does not mean that we will always be that type. Our circumstances change, although sometimes I forget that they have changed and go back to reacting in ways that have protected me in the past. I love the phrase 'timorous beasties'. It pretty much describes me sometimes! But then again, stepping out when we are feeling fearful, taking that risk, is as brave as brave can be! I ask myself what is the worst that can happen if I say how I feel, and it is not nearly as bad as I imagine.
I, too, have shut down and frozen up in relationship to others, Aloha. I still do at times. It helps me to write out what I'd like to say and then go back to the person and say it or say it when what troubles me happens again. I've learned that when I shut down, I also shut people out. Some people truly aren't right for me or me for them. Others are and can't do a thing in relationship to me if I don't open up and say what is on my mind and heart. They might go away, but they would eventually anyway.
Hugs .. I find your awareness refreshing .. seriously .. at least you see the core issue and can apply the 3 A's! I can remember a girlfriend of mine saying for the love of God stop showing up to the second date with your wedding dress on! I have picked emotionally unavailable men because on some level it is safe. I don't have to take any emotional risk. I know going forward I will risk the hurt to have a real emotional relationship. I'm so not ready and the wedding dress is put safely away. Hugs and thank you for this share!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your post. I've felt some similar feelings this evening after dealing with my on-again/off-again marriage. I've learned to have my own life, because I cannot live on the emotional roller coaster of 'loves me/loves me not'. But I don't think I've been fully working the program or experiencing the promises of the program.
Sadly, some of my recovery meetings over the last year had devolved into just a 'checking in' session or sometimes a gripe session about life, rather than seriously working the program
Thank God that I'm not living in the same horrible circumstances as when I started the program, but I don't feel like I'm really enjoying life much. It is a serious drag. Thankfully we don't have police situations and runaway kids and all the other stuff anymore, but I am not happy. I just feel like I'm getting by. I'm scraping along.
I'm trying to keep doing step 1 again. That is where I need to start. I keep wanting to fix myself and fix everything else. I feel so bad for so many things. I regret all the wasted years, my children having to grow up in that wretched environment, and everything else. It is so hard to give up and to just surrender it all. I feel like I'm in a stalemate, where I can't move or do anything. I can quote myself all kinds of things or try to give myself some motivating thoughts. But like I say, I'm just not fully experiencing the promises of the program, and I want to.
This program is sort of difficult for me the second time around. Admitting my powerless may have been a little easier when I was struggling to survive through each day. Now that things are 'better' in my life, I'm guessing that there is less urgency to work the program, and perhaps I think that I have more control over things now.
Anyways, thank you for helping me consider a few similar issues that I am dealing with here. Thanks for letting me share.
