Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Help.. he is trying to manipulate me
Post Info TOPIC: Help.. he is trying to manipulate me
shosh18


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:
Help.. he is trying to manipulate me
Permalink  

So last night I got on alanon chat and my A  went and slept in another bedroom yelling out that I don't care about him anymore and I am game playing. 

 

This morning he said he was too sick to get up and come with me as we had planned to go and get out grandson. I asked him if I could do anything for him and he said that I didn't care about him and so I said that wasnt going to bring our grandsoon home to this, and if he wanted to stay in bed all day, so be it, we will go and stay somewhere else. 

I tried to get dressed and stay calm. I was feeling so upset as I knew that our grandson would be very upset; he hasn't seen Pa in a few weeks and has been asking for him. 

anyway, I keep telling myself it is the disease, not him and I ask him if I can get him anything to help his sickness and suggest we go to the pharmacy on the way and get him whatever he needs and i encourage him to get up and have a shower. 

Well he moans and groans and says that I don't care about him and I am just game playing (because I am no longer pleading with him to stop and to think about everyone else for once etc etc etc) so he sees my new ways  of acting as another game. I must play a lot of games is all I can say! I kept saying to myself that this is his disease, and to not react, stay calm let go and let god, and focus on what i need to do which is to go and get my grandson and stick with the plan to visit our friends and have an awesome day with them.

Not sure what to do to manage this next, but he is showered and down the stairs so I will head out the door, as if nothing happened, I think.

OK so I think that  today I have to let go and let god, and keep reminding myself that I respect myself and that I didn't cause it, cant control it and cant cure it and have some real fun with my grandson and family....and try not to react to his insults and attempts to bait me into defending my choices....

Any suggestions anyone can give to help me with strategies in this situation would be most appreciated as I think that it is going to be a very common one now that he knows I am serious about alanon. I can't help but wonder if this Is what my life is going to be like if I keep seeing him? Me constantly trying to work the steps to? I am a long way off being able to just accept nonjudgement but I suspect that is where I need to head as fast as I can and then it won't bother me. How do you stop loving someone in pain though? We are wired to nurture and care for our men. I suppose this is just a different way of caring, detached love...but does it every get easier or will it always be so much effort breaking free of this disease?

Light and love to you all,

it is humbling and so incredibly supportive to know you are there. Hugs to you all. 

thanks for reading this and letting me share

Shosh

 



-- Edited by shosh18 on Friday 22nd of August 2014 05:13:42 PM



__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

Its up to you if  you want to live like this.

He is an adult. Myself if he knew we were going to get g son I would have seen he is in bed, ignored his boloney and went and got kiddo. If the A wanted to get up to see him great.

Not made any issue out of it. I sure know what made ya do so! But look what drama it did you could have avoided.

I know it is hard and I feel sad for you! I believe for me learning not to react to drama and boloney from someone has made me a better person.

I figure it is their problem not mine.

Al Anon has such cool tools we can use to make our lives better. As love attention. they want it all and will almost always demand it in some way or another. I won't give it any energy or thought or attention.

After awhile they don't bother anymore or get worse to the point we decide ok that's enough of that and say byebye.

hugs and was great to see you share!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

I'm glad you went to get your grandson and didn't allow the drama to stop you as you continued your plans for the day. That's a healthy Al-Anon response. You didn't allow the disease to interrupt your plan for the day and for your grandson. It is not unusual for the disease to ramp up when you enter Al-Anon. Continuing your meetings, your readings, reaching out to Al-Anon members can help you get through the flak. I knew the program was working when my exasperated son said: "Nothing has changed but you." That was true. I had changed. I had stopped buying into the disease's threats, manipulations, self-pity, and guilt trips because God forbid I said "No," to being played and "Yes," to living my own life without justifying, arguing, defending or explaining my no's to the disease and my yes's to living my own life that wasn't going to be controlled by a disease with destruction on its mind. That doesn't mean I don't slip. I do. But, I get right back up and do exactly what I'm suggesting to you.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 22nd of August 2014 08:52:14 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

It's not necessarily just ignoring. It's boundaries then detaching. I will never put up with insults from someone I am in a relationship with. I wouldn't argue, but I would say things like "you may choose to believe what you want, but I do not agree." Then disengage. Letting yourself just get insulted or told how you feel is demeaning to your self-esteem. Yes...don't engage in futile arguments, but keep your boundaries also and find your line about what you have to consider unacceptable behavior vs. what to just ignore. And yes...He is trying to manipulate you but that's been going on for years...This may just be a new tactic. Keep up the work!

__________________
shosh18


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks for your words of encouragement and wisdom. whqt you all have said makes so much sense.  

indeed, I have learmed so much about myself today and i feel much more peaceful! Debilyn, You are so right that I did play into the drama  by not doing my own thIng. However, he did come along and by the time we were almost there the lesson was not lost on me. We were sitting at a traffic lights  Just neqr to dqughters house when he suddenly got out of the car telling me more of the same old stuff rather than just having Nice chats about what funstuff we will do with our ggrandson. I just drove off and left him telling myself anthrift telling myself  to work step 1 and Step 8 cause if I had done what I used to Do I would have turned around  and tried hard  to convince him to change his mind for the sake of the family and friends etc. I  went  on my own merry way and didn't give him another thoUght. 

he eventually called me and asked what my plans were. I told him and said nothing more. He then suggested I pick him up and we move forward from there. I agreed to this providing he was happy to wait until we were headed back in that direction in about an hour or else suggested he could come meet us as by this time we were seated and having a coffee. He decided to meet me at our friends place later in the day which was finE.

but since we have Been home he has been very sarcastic towards me and passive aggressive in front of the kids. I have not reacted at all as that  seems like the right thing to do. Have just come upstairs to get away from it. If I say something then it will make tension and he won't get it anyway. He won't stop but i am feeling  a bit annoyed that I am now missing out on being  with the family.

time to let go and let god

going to go back downstairs  and if he does it again telll him to stop speaking to me inappropriately and just get on with having a fun time with the kids. 

shosh  :) 

 

  



-- Edited by shosh18 on Saturday 23rd of August 2014 02:05:03 AM

__________________
milkwood


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:
Permalink  

When my husband told me that I didn't care about his needs anymore I figured that I must be making progress! I like the way you handled the traffic light evacuation.

__________________
shosh18


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:
Permalink  

thanks milkwood. I lwordy our use of : evacuation! Very poignant. 

 



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Help.. he is trying to manipulate me