Guidance for sponsor selection - Al-Anon Family Group

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Guidance for sponsor selection

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have chosen two women as sponsors. Neither is like me in many ways and yet we all have things in common. I am grateful to both women because they taught me more than I could have learned with someone "just like me." The fact that somebody is a group rep would appeal to me just because of his knowledge and experience that is beyond mine. I like to learn. The jovial person would be a great fellowship member to cultivate a relationship with for the softer side of things when I need it. I'd also want to know if either person sponsored a lot of people because I wouldn't want to get lost in the shuffle when I was first going through the steps with a sponsor. Later, that wouldn't matter to me as much.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 22nd of August 2014 04:25:41 PM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Catherine. So you have dual sponsors? Nice. I hadn't thought of that. I may have to investigate.

Kenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

No. I've had two sponsors that I chose at different times. I do have people in the fellowship that I relate closely to, too, and think we kind of co-sponsor each other, but I have only one sponsor at this time. Sorry I wasn't clear enough. I chose each sponsor based on what my needs were at the time. My current sponsor is perfect for me. My first sponsor was, too. I hope you find a sponsor perfect for you, too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kenny It is important to feel as if you can relate to the sponsor and that you admire his program and has manner Pray about it and see what HP suggests.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a special relationship for both parties....you will be guided to make the best choice. And if doesn't work out, you can ask another aww

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I read an essay from Lois W. that I found on the national AlAnon web site and she was pretty clear that a sponsor is a "friend". A friend that helps you figure out how you relate to the steps. A friend that talks to you about the steps. A friend. Think of who you want to sit down with and talk seriously about the steps. Have you listened to each of them and how they talk and phrase problems and solutions? Do you understand them easily? Are they people you would want to be a friend with? You will know when you need to know.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the input everyone. Betty I will talk to HP about it. Paula thanks, I agree, nothing is final gor a while. Maybe never final.

MJ thsnks for the questions to ask myself. I'm not sure of the answers to them so really, I think I need to dive in. Our family group gives a talk at a rehab center every couple months, and the jolly one goes. I will plan on going with him and finding out more about him and see where things go.

Thanks!

Kenny

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I'd prefer the matter-of-fact one for me. Its not easy having someone point blank tell you something, but I lean towards wanting to cut through the bs, tell me i'm dying and let me deal with it head on. But that's the way I am with my counsel to others so I like it when people are that way with me, it can be painful sometimes, being forced to look where I didn't really want to, but in the long run better help for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I've never had a sponsor I couldn't laugh with. "Don't take yourself so seriously" was a comforting caveat for me and so I went with what my sponsorship had regarding recovery growth...how much they knew and how much experience they displayed. Did they have what I wanted and if they did I asked.. I chose sponsors also for different qualities I needed and I trusted everyone that said yes because obviously they were willing to give me what they had with the best that they had it. I've never had a "perfect relationship" with a sponsor...or a sponsee for that matter. The similarities which were shared with me kept me serene not the differences. The differences served to cause me to question and questioning is a gold digging tool I learned. Self awareness was the gold. I loved my sponsorship...all of them and the family that came with them if one came. Sponsors are angels with bruises and scars and a relaxed smile on their face. They don't face life with fear...they face it with love and that is what I need to keep learning. Asking HP for direction is a must and temperate your expectations cause often times both the sponsee and sponsor grow at the same time. ((((hugs)))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I can share how I got my first sponsor. I used my meeting phone list and tried out a few people whose program I had admired. Calling them gave me an idea of how willing they would be to listen and share with me personally. Some people sound great in the rooms but don't make very good sponsors. I wanted someone who would make time for me, be open minded and not try to clone me to their own recovery image. I was looking for experience strength and hope, to mutually share, listen and trust with one another's life details. I wanted guidance concerning stepwork and I wanted a say in how I was going to work the steps and what I hoped to gain from working each of the steps. I wanted to participate in making a plan with the sponsor toward that aim. I didn't want to bring the unhealthy behavior of the past from living with alcoholism into a sponsor sponsee relationship. I had lived believing I didn't have choices. Alanon was showing me I could in fact make choices. I didn't want to choose someone and then follow or be expected by that persons to follow anything and everything they suggested. I wanted to make decisions for myself.

When I felt I'd found a person who might be right for me, I asked them if they would be my "temporary" sponsor with the understanding that if it didn't feel right for either of us we would be honest with one another and remain on good terms. We both agreed and with time I asked her if we could make it a permanent sponsor/sponsee relationship.

When I moved I found another sponsor but I was able to make that decision from hearing them in the rooms because I'd been in recovery for some time. Also, both my past and current sponsors are atheists and I am not. These days I reach out to a handful of people both in the program and out for experience, strength and hope. I have a little network of people who I can call on given the situation. My sponsor is still the person I call on and trust with the most personal details of my life, the one I know will listen without judgement. She asks if I want feedback, doesn't automatically respond to my sharing with feedback. She'll share her experience with the topic of discussioin but will openly admit when she has not had such an experience. She offers suggestions only if I ask for some.

I found it took time to find someone but if you know what you're looking for in a sponsor and what a sponsor is looking for in a sponsee, it helps. Mutual trust is essential. Without it you've got nothing. Hope our responses help you in your search. ((hugs)) TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.